Daryl Wood's Blog

So here it is. The truth as I know it is in my face and I have nowhere to hide. I have set myself up as a Victim and my friend, a Rescuer looking for a ‘project’, has heard my call. Now, here I am feeling super resentful for the ‘overhelping’ and attitude of ‘poor you’ that is directed at me from someone who just has a really kind heart. Well, maybe a really kind heart and a desperate need to be needed.

I recognize the behaviour because I also play the Rescuer, but this time, it is painfully obvious that I have been waving the Victim card like a drunken sailor on night watch for a ship in rough seas. How will I get myself out of this mess?

It starts innocently enough with a little whining and complaining. I ramp it up a bit with a shot of humour (which I have to say is often well received) and build on both past grievances and imagined future impossible obstacles that could be as unlikely as the Canada Geese choosing someone else’s lawn to defile. Sometimes I use my whimpering when I’m overtired and rather than explain myself in an adult, grown up, mature manner, I give a plaintive, animal in distress cry with a litany of sorrows (accompanied by the prerequisite sad face and quivering voice); none of which, by the way, are life threatening or dangerous. I get some much longed for sympathy which, I am the first to admit, is temporarily satisfying, but doesn’t last any longer than a diet.

That’s when the real ugliness starts. People (like my current Rescuer friend) hear all this angst and try to help. Good people just trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it feels nice to receive this extra attention when I feel lonely in my misery and sometimes it doesn’t as in when we come together in an unconscious and impulsive dance called The Drama Triangle and the ‘problem’ parachutes my Rescuers right into the realm of ‘let’s take care of this poor pathetic soul barely surviving.’

I hate that. I hate being seen or treated like I am somehow on the edge of collapse (even though I showed up crawling and scratching at the door of anyone willing to listen.) I hate being spoken to in that patronizing way that says ‘there, there, you just need to let other people help you’ or ‘go lie down, we’ll take care of everything and you can hand over control of your biggest problems (and you entire life) to us and we’ll tell you exactly what to do’.

I know I could use a little help. I just don’t want YOU to help me; at least not right now because you are onto my game. You know, on some level, that I’m reeling you in and because you are such a kind and thoughtful bystander to my wailing and flailing, you joined the dance without considering how it might damage you and me and our relationship. It’s not your fault. Unless you know you have an overactive Rescuer gene, you are just playing the cards you were dealt.

The irony of this sinkhole we are in is that I set it the whole thing up. I played right into the hearts and minds and annoying hands of those who need to feel needed. Now I am mad at them! Absolutely senseless because in the end, nobody wins. Nobody ever feels inner peace playing a Victim or a Rescuer. We do it because something ‘historical’ has been triggered in both of us and rather than Pause, take time to breathe and feel, we react. And once the cycle has started it takes enormous courage (and a mega dose of awareness) for one of us to stop the boulder from rolling down the hill, crashing into the village and destroying every living thing along the way.

This time, it’s me. I put the brakes on. I am gracious in my appreciation and clearly state that while I am not capable of everything I need to do, right now I can handle the immediate tasks. And I promise to ask for help in a direct, respectful way when I need it. And I am also ‘outing myself’ by owning my pattern of complaining without taking responsibility for how it impacts those with generous spirits.

As much as I typically think I am the ONLY one who does this stuff (my wise mentors and favourite authors tell me I’m not), I believe there are others out there in my world and the big wide world who are lured into the mesmerizing disco ball of Drama, turning our lives into random colours and shapes that are seductive. If that’s you, I’d love to hear your Victim/Rescuer escapades, no matter which side of the seesaw you are on.