Daryl Wood's Blog

That’s what I said in a recent conversation with a friend as she described the manipulation, lies and control that led to what her family felt was the very selfish behaviour of one sibling. She was distraught that his actions stole an estate meant to be shared and there was no apparent guilt or shame. My friend, like everyone who hears the details, was appalled. And I was too – for as long as it took for the shock to wear off and digest the ‘excitement’ of the unfolding drama. And then … I thought of this man, who evidence proved, had calculated his moves to undermine the original intent of the deceased loved one, and I heard my heart say ‘what a hard way to live’.

I thought of how awful it must be to make choices that destroy relationships and demand secrecy to hide information from others in order to get what you want at any cost. How it would feel to be looking over your shoulder to see who might be waiting to reveal your deceit, to never know if one day you will be stripped of your image in the world if ever the truth became public knowledge. Or how your health and wellbeing might always be compromised from the dread of meeting face to face with those you have wronged. And all the while holding your breath and lying even to yourself as you convince your children that you did nothing bad.

Its hard for me to imagine being so morally and ethically insensitive because my conscience is too overpowering. I have trouble even now living with mistakes I’ve made over the years (and there’s been many) while running from fear, anxiety and shame. I forgive myself over and over again when the memories come up of when I have cost someone else peace of mind or security in some way. The decades of living on the edge of drama set me up for all kinds of behaviour I regret. Forgiveness and atonement whenever I can is my pathway to inner peace.

It’s easy for me to see my poor judgement in comparison to this man’s actions and I wonder what happened to him that made him feel this was the right thing to do. When I read Dr. Bruce Perry’s book “What Happened To You” I felt a resonance with all I’ve studied these past 25 years, learning to see each of us as beautiful human beings struggling to feel safe in a world that sometimes feels dangerous. Left unchecked or to our own desperate devices we can be self-destructive and even worse, create miserable situations for others.

So I’m sad for this family that is dealing with this trauma and feeling so victimized. I’m sad that relationships that were already strained have now become ‘irretrievable’ in the siblings eyes. I’m sad that someone, somewhere, a long time ago didn’t realize the powerful role that making children feel safe and loved could play in how we live our lives. Maybe if we knew that, if this man and all of us knew that, then we could live more peacefully on a deep, cellular, heart space level.

Who in your life is ‘acting out’ and perhaps frantically searching for reassurance? How might you be a catalyst for healing an open wound? We are all called to serve the goodness of this world and those we share it with through kind thoughts, words and deeds. Today is a good day to help someone climb out of a dark hole of shame.