Daryl Wood's Blog

Written in mid-December: Not much of the hard work I’ve done over the past 30 years has fully prepared me for the depth of grief I’m facing now. Several weeks ago I said goodbye to the love of my life, my husband, best friend and the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. We were so in love even after 25 years together. We got through his cancer treatments and while our lives were compromised, we made it work. We had the best year until an abrupt, miserable two months with treatment for an incurable disease. He was very ill at the end and of course I am relieved and grateful that his long suffering is over. And now I carry the incredible pain of missing him every minute of the day asking myself over and over why I am still here. It makes no sense.

I’ve comforted many people through their losses and been as generous with my time and resources to support those grieving. Until now, I had no idea how ‘lame’ my words and actions were. And now it’s my turn. Now I am the one desperately longing to hear something, to see or feel something that will ease the ache in my heart. My body, mind and spirit are completely hijacked by grief. Every grieving person I talk to and every book I read tells me that this is a very, very long journey. And so far, it is way more than I believe I can handle. There are no highs as I was used to in the past. And the lows are so profound I am surprised that I am able to write anything at all. Maybe I am because I’ve been propped up by loving, caring family and friends tonight when I started the slide into emptiness.

And maybe I’m writing because that’s what I do. I write in my journal. I write in my head as I formulate the sentences that will somehow make this unbearable situation easier.