Daryl Wood's Blog

-1-
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

-2-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

-3-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

-4-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

-5-
I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson

In my deep grief it’s been hard to see that hole and even harder to avoid it when it was obvious. The hole is so big, the size of the whole street, the neighbourhood, the whole world. It feels so awful to fall into that hole and I have needed a lot of help to get back out.

Then, two days ago, I saw the hole before I fell in. I walked around it. Yesterday afternoon it happened again. I saw the hole and could almost feel it beckoning me, pulling me in. It’s very seductive and part of me wanted to be in that darkness. And the part of me that didn’t, quietly whispered in my mind “not this time”. I stepped back, made conscious choices and ended the day with a smile. Yes, a smile. I still ache and long for Doug. And I smiled.

That hole might always be there. I might fall in again. I might walk around it or choose a different street. Now I have evidence that I can. Let’s all remember to be gentle with ourselves when we discover we are not where we want to be. We are always at choice.