Daryl Wood's Blog

Fourteen years ago Doug’s sister passed away after a devastating illness. It was heartbreaking for so many and especially her adult children. I clearly remember being at the ‘wake’ after the official service and my Doug being overcome with emotion. He approached his nephew and said “I’m so sorry for your loss.” And then, a beautiful moment of reverence unfolded as his nephew took his shoulders and replied, “And I am so sorry for your loss too.” I have never forgotten the generosity of this young man who had unfailingly supported his mother through nine months of painful decline. For him to have the love and understanding to be with someone else’s grief while his own was suffocating was truly an act of some kind of holiness.

What I realize is that I have not been in that head space these past ten weeks. I’ve acknowledged the losses of Doug’s children but as more and more friends tell me how much they are grieving Doug I am realizing that I have not been able to hear what others have been saying. And for certain, I am not holding myself accountable because who knew what a tizzy this grief thing would throw me into.

It’s not that I haven’t been aware and empathetic to others. There are several losses this month from the past and present. I’ve done my best to let others know I am thinking of them but what is obvious is how much I have avoided hearing how Doug’s passing has impacted people who loved him. They have had to grieve alone or with each other. It has been too hard for me to be open to listening to what feels like a compounding of my own grief.

As much as I’ve pushed back on these conversations I realize they are coming. The few times people have said ‘he was such a great guy, a good soul, a kind man, a special friend,’ etc. makes me feel proud to have been his wife. And it also reminds me of what I have lost and what we will all miss in the weeks and months ahead.

There’s nothing to do about this right now. Time will come. It felt important today to say out loud and again that grievers need a very wide berth. We, myself, the people closest and those on the edge of a beloved person, can and will do their best. And long ago, a young man showed up with his best in a memorable way.