Every moment has it’s beauty and specialness or it’s dull and ordinary. But so it is. And when its gone – which by the way will be forever whether we like it or not – we will remember it with fondness or indifference. The special moments warm our hearts and soften our edges. Watching the otters fishing on the partially frozen lake is delightful but it doesn’t last forever. Sitting in the darkness waiting for daylight is temporary. We welcome and seek more of those happy moments to fill our days. And what if dull or ordinary or even sad moments persist and we judge them to be unworthy and still they happen? Do we lose sight of what is real because we long for something else or can we accept that this is a dull moment and continue to be loving and kind for no other reason than to be alive and present? To be in whatever moment is happening without judgement because we know that nothing on earth lasts forever and this is simply what is in front of us right now.
Doug died before me. I am carrying on because I am still here and no matter how much time, energy, emotion, thought and persistence I use, that doesn’t change my current reality. This is what the present moment looks and feels like. Will I weep for the sound of his voice, the touch of his strong hands, the smell of his head on my shoulder, his playful humour? Yes. Yes. Yes. That is all true. The thought that it would not last forever was abstract until it came to be.
As I read about impermanence I see that I have missed that initial lesson in life. Of course change has been happening since my birth and all the decades in between. I grew and learned even when everything around me changed, sometimes by my choice and just as often by circumstances around me. Exciting opportunities emerged and nudged things that once mattered out of the way to make room for experiences that continuously shaped my life. Friendships that seemed rock solid melted away creating space for others to walk with me. And books, oh yes, my books. I have loved so many books that I held onto for years believing having them on my shelf was necessary until there was no room for the new, more intriguing books to land.
What I have thought would be forever in life has not always been and this recent loss is a painful reminder. Could I have been better prepared if I had studied impermanence as they do in some cultures? Perhaps. “Good” change has been celebrated while “not so good” change has been allocated to the side. But all change has changed me in some way and I am better for having survived what may have seemed impossible at the time.
The paradox is that his passing is the permanence that is frequently referred to in the grief healing process. Yes, he is gone FOREVER from this physical world. That’s a fact. And no, the feelings I have right now will not always be as acute as they are right now. Sheryl Sandberg addresses this beautifully in her book Option B with Adam Grant. I’ve given the book to other widows and found inspiration in it myself as I was widowed. Even my love for him has changed since we said goodbye. I am adjusting to the realization that our relationship continues in a much different way but what we had in this physical world is no longer possible.
So this morning I am sitting on the edge of something I can’t quite put my finger on. It feels comforting and inspiring and hopeful. I wish this feeling could last forever but I know that the grief will find its way into my world at some point and I’ll surrender to the ache again because … nothing lasts forever.
Daryl Wood's Blog 
A friend who is ill with cancer recently said (with humour), “I knew dying happened. But I thought it was just other people.”
By: hazellyder on January 24, 2024
at 4:07 pm
Yup.
By: Ms. Daryl Wood on January 24, 2024
at 4:56 pm
Almost 4 years on, my relationship with Craig continues and evolves. I feel his support when I might otherwise feel lost and alone, sometimes. It’s been a period of building anew and experimenting. What really works for me now? Sometimes, I want to hurry this along. Other times. I understand this is my meaningful time, a committed renewal, a deeper self knowing. And, it’s likely different for all of us.
I recall the ‘realness’ and constant intense depth of presence and skewing of time that first occurred for me when Craig died.
In Buddhism, impermanence is studied as a preliminary understanding as to the true nature of things. It is also studied in Stoicism. Even so, grief seems to be something of its own teacher with a visceral, very real impact.
So, we do prepare in the ways that we can. And we still feel the loss. Sometimes, it’s been compounded loss, for not having been impacted so deeply or having had the time and space before. I have welcomed, as best I can, what that is and how it transforms me. Joyous, beautiful, heartbreaking, all of the above. A broken open heart feels love too. Perhaps larger. Perhaps different.
In Japanese culture, Kintsugi is a practice of mending cracks with gold. Seeing the beauty in the cracks that might occur in pottery. They are part of the experience, the story. So the experience can be appreciated and the piece now has a newfound value. Things that I ponder sometimes…
May the gifts of wisdom that you have developed continue to be your guide and provide comfort and perspective, alongside the good and dear friends in your life and the people that continue to arrive.
I heard once (and love the idea) that some cultures meet loss of a loved one with a large gathering, where people may pray, cry and wail for weeks. Then, they part. And they join together again months later with new perspective and also to honor the change that has occurred to their community.
This is a lot to share. Like my Polonius moment, ne it foolish or wise or any of those. I just intend to send love and support for you. I respect your inner knowing of what is right for you. ❤️
So, if it has value. I am grateful. If it doesn’t resonate with you. I honor that too.
By: Felice on January 30, 2024
at 3:51 pm
My dear Felice, As always, you have touched me deeply with your thoughtful response. I know you face life full on and am so glad our paths crossed those many years ago. The wisdom you have shared with me will reach many others who are searching for answers and comfort. Your love for yourself and others is clearly evident in how you have framed this beautiful message. In appreciation, Daryl xo
By: Ms. Daryl Wood on January 30, 2024
at 5:08 pm