Daryl Wood's Blog

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou

I’ve heard this quote many times in a slightly different way. I decided to write this post because what I remembered was “When we know better, we do better.” and I was prepared to defend my argument against that. After all, knowing better doesn’t guarantee any of us will actually do better. There is plenty of evidence of us knowing better in all matters of life – health, education, relationships, business, politics, etc. – and sometimes we keep making the same poor choices over and over.

So because I’m a bit of a stickler for accuracy I looked up the quote and realized I’d been saying it wrong all these years (my apologies to my retreat women).

What I am certain of is that I know better on an intellectual level but my heart and emotions are loudly contradicting me. I know (and have been reminded often by well meaning friends and family) that there is so much for me to be grateful for and so many things have gone well for me since that sad day when my sweetheart Doug died. That’s obvious from the circling of family in the immediate aftermath, the quick sale of our beloved Sarnia getaway, the means to manage financially, the many people who have given of their time and energy, food and friendship to help me through these past few weeks (did I mention it has been 15 weeks?) and even the good weather making the six times I had to travel smoother.

And I know for sure that there are things I could be doing to make life easier – better nutrition, yoga/stretching, meditation, guided visualizations, more therapy/grief support, etc. I know these things and would recommend them to anyone else in a state of acute grief. At least, I think I would have in the past. Now I’m not so sure.

I told myself I would accept invitations so that I’m not spending time alone. Today I declined a visit with a beautiful young couple who desperately want to support me. There was no other reason than I was too consumed with my grief and stuck in self focus to believe it would be a pleasant experience for any of us. Even though I counsel people not to say no for others, I made the decision that it would not be fair to them. What I know in my head is that we would likely have had some conversation about my feelings and eventually switched to my getting much anticipated updates about their lives.

But even though I knew better I was hijacked by grief and the suffocating feeling that doing anything other than sobbing and feeling deep in despair was out of the question.

So to say that when we know better, we do better is to assume that all systems are aligned – body, mind, emotions and spirit. I’d like to think that’s what Ms. Angelou meant. That when we know better in a ‘whole person’ way, it is ‘natural’ that we do better. I’ve been astonished at how deep grief messes with me on every level and in raging ups and downs. The key of course is that we quiet the inner Saboteur and check our self-limiting baggage at the door.

Every single one of us has a myriad of opportunities every single day to make a choice to ‘do better’. It might be in how you speak about another person, what you leave unfinished, who you give your generosity to and when you pause. Your soul/spirit knows best so if the only thing you do today is to check in, that may be enough to sway your final decision.