Daryl Wood's Blog

Today’s Blog on The Empowerment Dynamic* (TED*) website prompted me to jump in with my perspective on Rescuing. As a practitioner of the 3VQ/TED* program I teach people about the Rescuer role all the time. I know it well because I’ve worn that label my entire life. I’m SO much better at managing my impulse to Rescue because I’ve lived and breathed this work for over ten years.

In my corporate training programs when we talk about the Rescuer (and the other roles on the DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle) I can’t help including my experience with Shadow Work. I explain that there is a ‘light’ and ‘shadow’ side to everything. Therefore, there is a light side to being a Rescuer. What, I ask, is ‘What is the light side of being a Rescuer?” “When is it a ‘good’ thing?” I use the example that if someone falls in the parking lot I would hope that all the Rescuers would move into action to help. I wouldn’t want them pausing to check inside and question their motives. I wouldn’t want them worrying that they may be judged as a Rescuer overstepping their boundaries. What they do after they assess the situation is when they can move away from Rescuing into a more supportive role such as Coach, Creator or Challenger.

As grief came knocking on my door when my beloved Doug passed away in November I was absolutely in need of a Rescuer. The sudden sense of Victimization took my breath away and in spite of all I knew I became seriously helpless. We all feel like a Victim at times and it could be said that there are the ‘legitimate’ victims and then there are those clinging to what gets them the most power. For me, I have always been aware that my own default to the Victim role from my upbringing could put me at risk of succumbing to codependency. Without the cognitive skills that were overridden in grief I wasn’t capable of accessing this wisdom.

Besides feeling desperate for emotional, psychological and spiritual support I wanted/needed someone to take care of me. I couldn’t figure out how to plan or prepare meals, organize paperwork, get to appointments and do basic housekeeping. I was lucky. My sister has the same Rescuer genes and arrived within 24 hours. She spent two weeks handling all the details, rarely questioning my decisions or mindset. I will forever be grateful for her presence and full on ‘saving’ me from my own self-destruction and wellbeing.

But eventually, as in all Rescue situations, it was time to change the interaction before it became toxic. We had become very comfortable in our roles and even though the shifting away from the DDT was obviously needed and recognized by both of us, we still felt the resistance. She got a little more controlling and bossy with lots of advice and a hint of resentment. I cried more and avoided her and felt a hint of resentment. The patterns were obvious results of the Rescuer/Victim relationship with each becoming a Persecutor of the other. The DDT roles are seductive and there is a lot of currency in all three roles.

She left on good terms with me wondering how I would survive and her worried I wouldn’t. We have continued to work through the ups and downs of my new reality with many more weeks of support. We talked about the importance of being open and honest so we didn’t get trapped in the DDT. We are not perfect at this because, after all, I rescued her over and over again in our youth and later in life. We have a history, but we also have a deep commitment to authenticity and vulnerability in our relationship. Without the TED* guidelines we might never have known what was going on and might never have had the chance to recover from the drama we co-create.