Daryl Wood's Blog

Over two decades ago I walked my country roads with an old fashioned Walkman, listening to Caroline Myss talk about Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power. I loved it. It made sense. But, oh what a challenge to think about living in those principles. The idea that we could cultivate within ourselves the ability to hold onto our centre of gravity no matter what. That we could believe in our inner wisdom enough that we could be unshakable in what we do in our lives, how we relate to others and the way we fulfill our purpose and destiny in this lifetime.

I picked up what I could and ran with it. I did my best in the midst of punishing, negative self-beliefs that I had carried my whole life. It was a hard ship to turn around and having my beloved Doug at my side made it easier. He reflected back to me all the things I said I had learned but seemed to forget in daily life. I taught elements of this work in my Women’s Wisdom Retreats and periodically pulled out the cds to listen again for inspiration. And that’s what has happened as I’ve done long drives these past few weeks. Thankfully my car is old enough to still have a cd player!

Something that has stood out for me this time around has been how so much of our lives are driven by what we believe about ourselves. That’s not surprising to most of us but because I live and breathe this stuff I began taking a closer look at how my Self-Esteem was impacting my life. In particular I looked at the relationship fallout of my dear Doug’s death. I think I will scream at unrecognizable decibels if one more person says to me “everyone grieves differently”. If so, how can there be over 50,000 books on grief available to purchase? Yes, we all have our distinct characteristics around the grief experience because we are all human and carry our own baggage from our lives. Therefore, we won’t all act with the same empathy, compassion, consciousness, etc. that might be helpful or even respectful in grief situations. And for sure, there are undeniable similarities. But, I wondered, how is grief response connected to Self-Esteem. That’s where Caroline’s message took me.

Listening to Caroline I paused to think about a close relationship in my life that completely hijacks my Self-Esteem pretty much every single time. I might not have decided to explore this any further except that a dear friend has barraged me lately (with my permission) with her anger and frustration with a relative. The more I listened, the more I heard so much negative judgement. I teach Shadow Work so I turned the mirror on myself and voila. After all, right now I am looking at myself – my thoughts, actions and behaviours – with bewilderment as I walk through something I’ve never encountered before to this degree.

I’m judging, resentful, sad and disappointed with one (okay maybe a few) relationships that fell apart when Doug died. It ‘suddenly’ connected directly to my Self-Esteem. There are people who can say anything to me and I am not affected one iota. There are people who judge me and I get a little miffed and then give them the benefit of the doubt and accept that their perception is different than mine. And then there is this one person who shatters my self-worth by actions/non actions, words/no words. Even though I know without hesitation that I am a good person, doing my best, living with as much authenticity as possible, all of that evaporates. While I am in acute grief, I am way more sensitive than even my highly sensitive self can understand.

And my wanting it to be different doesn’t make it so. This morning I decided to get curious instead of reactive. I’ve tried in the past to run from this emotional drama but since it shows up repeatedly I know in my heart that there is an important lesson/opportunity for me. And when I took a deeper look, it came back to my Self-Esteem. It came back to me giving up my ‘fundamental power’ because of what I believed about myself based on what this person said and did. So why would I do that? Why would this person (and yes, a few others with less intensity) be eligible for the power I keep giving them/the relationship?

In so many ways, all the work I have ever done is related. In this case, my focus keeps going back to what I believe I did/said wrong, what I’ve been told I did/said wrong, what I know I did/say wrong. My focus is on my failures or perceived failures. In the TED* work I am my own Persecutor. The pathway forward is clear if I choose to take it on. As a Creator, shifting my focus back to what I know is my truth – that I am doing my best with what I have physically, emotionally, spiritually – will build my Self-Esteem.

The most significant lesson from Caroline’s work from my first introduction is as true today as it ever was. “You build Self-Esteem by honouring the commitments you make to yourself.” Whew. Just listen to your inner guidance and follow through. It’s that simple. And it’s easier than we think and still, I catch myself doing/saying something because I’m consciously or unconsciously afraid of the outcome. In TED* we know that holding a vision for what we want without attachment to the outcome keeps us moving in the direction we want to go. So If I want to build strong Self-Esteem to be able to hold my ground when I start losing my power to this person the time to start is not when the trigger comes, but now. Now when my level of awareness is at its peak.

Today, I’m honouring more of the commitments I’ve made to myself. I wonder what would happen if we all did that.