Daryl Wood's Blog

A long time friend surprised me with a visit when she drove up from the city for lunch. I was happy to see her even though I felt some anxiety as I often do these days when I don’t know how I’ll feel and what might trigger me. By the time we parted, I was in tears from being so annoyed with her that I hoped I wouldn’t see her again. It took a day for me to unravel what had happened.

I’m a master at reframing and feeling empathetic, accepting and compassionate towards others. It usually happens so quickly I hardly notice. I’ve worked on this for 30 years and believe in my heart that kindness isn’t just a physical act but a spiritual way to live. I strive for that in my daily life. Since Doug died in November I have been blessed with enormous kindness from others and my gratitude for the generous acts from family, friends and strangers touches me deeply. But I have noticed that it’s not as easy for me to be as magnanimous as before.

So here I was after my friend’s lunch visit judging her for how she showed up. She has recently adopted a new health and fitness routine that she loves and expanded on with a lot of detail. At one point she was so arrogant about her knowledge and ability that I couldn’t speak. She had all the answers to every problem and even though she was not acting on them, she was insistent that she knew exactly what to do. When she finally left I was exhausted and dismayed that I had endured what felt like a tirade. Ugh.

But even in my acute grief it didn’t take long for me to remind myself of the basic principles of Shadow Work: “Whatever you admire or despise in others is also within you. What you don’t own, owns you.” Ugh, ugh, ugh. And more tears. I knew that I had done the same thing as my friend over and over again when I was passionate about something and couldn’t contain or control my enthusiasm. I knew I had overridden other people’s opinions, suggestions and feedback when I had a strong sense of being right. I knew that, but I seemed to have forgotten it when I sat in unfair judgement of my friend. Ugh again. What happens when we do this is we stop listening to the other person and get into our own head. That’s what a Persecutor looks like on the DDT (Dreaded Drama Triangle) in the TED* work I teach.

Some of my closest grief supporters have told me often that while grieving I have a ‘pass’ because grief hijacks our sensibilities and thought processes so that we think and behave in ways that are unnatural to us. I agree and I know it is absolutely necessary to give myself a pass when I might otherwise jump to self-criticism. And lots of times those of us who are grieving deeply don’t care how we show up. We are doing the best we can to get out of our pajamas and brush our hair.

But I am too rooted in personal growth/conscious learning to not hear the whispers of reflection. At least I am now. Several weeks ago I doubt I had the capacity to let this awareness be heard. The reality is that I know too much and when you know, you are called from that inner wisdom to pay attention.

So, I’m paying attention and realizing that yes, I might have a pass, but I don’t want to let myself entirely off the hook to indulge in destructive, negative behaviour for the sake of my own wellbeing and the relationships I’m working to rebuild after months of living on the edge. I want to cling to that element of wisdom so I don’t completely lose myself in the wreckage of grief. I want it for me and for every one of the thoughtful people who walk with me even if only for a short time over lunch. They deserve the best I can give and while that best definitely looks different from hour to hour I remind myself that learning doesn’t stop even if grief hacks into my precious, grounded, wise operating system.

It’s too easy these days to blame someone or something for our discontent. That’s one of the first conversations Doug and I ever had and it rings true today for me. The Victim Role on the Drama Triangle is built on blaming and complaining. I have been victimized but I am also a survivor (a Creator in the TED* language).

At 18 weeks in I am grateful that my years of hard work learning and growing have caught me on this loop before I lose myself in Victimhood. At least this time I saw it and hopefully I will again and again. I’m thankful for Shadow Work and Coach Training and The Empowerment Dynamic. And so is my friend.