Daryl Wood's Blog

32 Weeks. Hours of reading, therapy, listening, counselling, coaching, supporting, guiding, acknowledging, empathizing, healing treatments, kindness, celebrations of life, hugging, story telling, focused learning, searching, growing, trying and crying. Lots of trying and crying. Still. I feel the shame welling up as I follow an impulse to judge myself at this juncture. I am reminded by news and sometimes well meaning people that I am better off than most in my grieving circumstances. I know. I am awake. I see the world around me. And it doesn’t take away the cruel aching for my beloved Doug.

All the study I have done these past 30 years has shaped who I am today and still, still it hasn’t fully equipped me for the heart stopping crashes that are inevitable with grief. Today the lake is calm for the first time in days and after torrential rains it is sunny and warm. Sitting on the dock I couldn’t shake the sadness of knowing this would have been one of ‘our days’. Load the boat for a trip around Lake Huron and Georgian Bay. The preparation and anticipation and then the moment when we leave our bay and he opens up the motor into the big water. I can feel it and hear it as clearly as the last time almost a year ago. We grin at each other like little kids on a wild adventure.

I cautiously tell people I’m getting along okay. It’s obvious to my friends and neighbours as they comment on how much better I am, more engaged, less tears, getting so much done, doing hard things, more grounded, etc. And I am. Until that moment when I suddenly realize that keeping his shoes at the door, his hat and jeans on the hook, his wallet and watch on standby doesn’t change the outcome. He is not coming home. Ever. How can this be real?

So I will hang the sheets on the line, head south to my dental appointment, drop off homemade cookies to the mechanic who solved a minor problem at no charge and eventually come back home to try and make something meaningful of a day that feels empty of meaning.

I am blessed for sure with good people and generous love. I hope someday this will be enough to overcome the heavy longing in my heart.