Daryl Wood's Blog

What if the meaning and purpose and reason for living is waiting for the right moment to be revealed? What if all the wondering why I am still here is unnecessary? Can I embrace what I’ve said many times to others that the magic, the miracle is coming? Be patient. Stay awake.

And Caroline Myss would say ‘give up your need to know’. But I am hungry for knowing. I want to know with all my heart why I am still waking up and going through my days and doing things I need to do and procrastinating on things I can shrug off because there is no one holding me accountable. I serve a purpose to others by hosting family and acknowledging struggles and having visits and keeping the free library tidy, etc. etc.

But what about serving a purpose for my soul, my longing to feel a deep sense of ‘this is why I am on this planet at this time in my life.’ I hate that I don’t know and can’t feel a reason to keep going. But I also know, and I hate this too, that I may be doing more to serve myself and others than I know because I’m so distracted by grieving Doug and struggling to keep the raw, painful emotions from taking over every conversation or visit with kind and caring friends. And I’m not looking for a grandiose way to make a difference. Doug would tell me, and still does in a spiritual way, to slow down. Slow Down! I am a teacher of ‘take a pause, breathe, listen, be still’. And I have never in my life had to work so hard at slowing down and pausing.

It is exhausting to try and keep ahead of the sadness and because I rarely censor myself, I let the emotions run wild so that the tears don’t build up and rust out my insides. Maybe my greatest fear is that this way of expressing myself will never end and the beautiful souls who offer me comfort in my most desperate moments will someday say ‘enough already’.

Every now and then someone kindly points me towards gratitude as if I had never thought of it. It is always on my mind and in fact the enormous gratitude I feel for where I live, the ease of life, and the stunning amount of love and support that I get can evoke even more despair as I try desperately to let these blessings be enough.

Awake long before sunrise today I wandered the empty rooms of my home listening for Doug’s breathing or shuffling slippers or even the sound of the sports channel on his tv. I cleaned out a closet and wiped a few baseboards and finally got back into bed to watch the blazing sun climb up over the tree tops. I’ll get showered and dressed and head to the city to meet my son and daughter-in-law for lunch. I’ll do a little shopping before I return to more tidying and meditating and whatever else shows up.

And all the while I will keep my heart open as best I can to listen for the whispers from the universe. If spirit has something to say to me today I ask that you speak loud and clear so I cannot miss it. My dear friend Jennifer H. shared a prayer with me long ago: “God, lead me where you need me and speak to me in ways I can’t possibly misunderstand.” That feels like a good place to start this morning.