Daryl Wood's Blog

How did I get here? How have I done this? As I journal these days and count down to the upcoming anniversary of my beloved Doug’s passing I shake my head at how I got here. 11 1/2 months in it seems surreal that I am still here. Still here when Doug is not. Still here, in the home he helped build on the beautiful waterfront he loved. Still here moving his things around in the garage, sorting clothes to finally donate and today, with sun warming me through the windows, making decisions about what photographs to keep and what can be let go.

I kept asking myself these past few days how I got here because there were so many days when I wanted out. I had plans to leave this suffering behind and reunite with the love of my life, my person, the person who adored me. How did I not give in and give up? It seems like such a long unimaginable length of time since I held his hand for the last time that it must really have only been days.

In the middle of the wondering came the awareness that was undeniably true. I am still here because I have been loved and supported beyond anything I could have ever imagined. From the first day I was surrounded by family and friends who kept watch and cared for me. Day after day people showed up to do things for me and to listen. And when the initial shock morphed into weeks of learning to live alone without the responsibility of Doug’s care and with no direction for myself, they still stood by me.

I’ve heard so many people talk about being paralyzed with grief that they didn’t accomplish anything for months and years. Others wept as they shared the depth of loneliness when they had no one to comfort them. Even though there were painful days when I was alone and felt an emptiness that was truly unbearable I still found someone I could call or text or email. It didn’t always come as quickly or as strongly as I would have liked but there was no denying that I was only an ‘ask’ away from help. And that’s why I got things done and that’s how I got here.

People tell me I’m doing so well and they are inspired by my courage and determination. They say this even though they know at any moment I could collapse under the sadness of missing my Doug. They have seen me cry through an entire grocery shopping outing, at the post office, at family dinners, riding my bike or walking along the road Doug and I loved. They say this whether or not they know that I am ‘doing so well’ because I have unlimited resources in the people who are ready to give me what I need.

11 1/2 months later these kind and generous souls celebrate with me when I am happy and funny and asking about their lives. They hold me when a memory brings tears to my eyes. They are chatty and carefree with me when we greet each other and they are quiet and solemn on what has become rare occasions when I have hit a bump.

That is unmistakably how I have made it this far. Doug would be so proud of us all for what we have done together to navigate this unwanted path. My gratitude is sincere and reaches the corners of my thoughtful community to people and places in far away lands. Oh, to be so loved that even the most suffocating of grief could be managed is a gift I will cherish the rest of my life. Thank you.