Daryl Wood's Blog

Sometimes we know more than what is good for us. I have studied and taught TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic) for more than a decade. It’s the antidote to The Drama Triangle and I’ve talked about how I’ve tried to integrate what I know into my experience of grief. I’m on it for a bit and it all makes sense until it doesn’t. Then I start asking my peers to see if I’m missing something. That’s why I had one call with a fellow practitioner and then one with David Emerald, the founder of TED*. I just needed to really get clear on where I was sitting with the state of Victimhood. Was I stuck in it? Was I missing an exit out of feeling victimized? Were my actions screaming Victim when I showed up with whatever I was feeling? Was there possibly a check list I could go through to assess my status? Lots of questions.

The reassurances were heartfelt and authentic. I asked for blunt observations and was given the nod that I was feeling the effects of being victimized (a term used here to reflect the painful loss of my beloved Doug) but that I wasn’t using it as an excuse to forfeit being my usual loving, compassionate self. I may temporarily be unable to access that part of me but it was still there, still solidly in place patiently waiting for me to continue the slow recovery to wherever I will ultimately land in this new world.

Suddenly, this became the obvious correlation with a powerful little book by Alan Wolfelt, the founder of The Centre For Loss. He has written many books and after reading “The Wilderness of Grief” I gratefully landed on “Understanding Your Grief.” Here, in easy to read, kind passages was the message that was now being confirmed for me. I’m mourning. It’s all natural and normal.

Dr. Wolfelt explains that grief is what we feel and mourning is how we express it. Everyone who has ever attended one of my talks, workshops, trainings or just had coaching with me knows that I am very transparent. As much as possible and respectful I tell the truth and leave my thoughts and feelings on the table for anyone to see. As I mourn, some people are repelled by this kind of raw emotion. Others are judgemental and cast a wary eye at my openness. And then there are the people who take a deep breath and hold the space for me to literally pour out my heart until the pain eases. I’ve come to realize how precious these people are and how much I want to learn to be one of them because grief and mourning will take over every person’s life someday if it hasn’t already. I know I didn’t have a clue how heart wrenching some losses can be. We are all going to need a companion willing to wait out the rounds of aching loss so we can return to laughter and joy and silliness and celebration. And that’s the reward for the people who have found a way to hold their breath through my despair. They get to share stories that make us laugh out loud and embrace the life we are all still living.

Reading the chapter on “You’re Not Crazy” helped me see that so many things I have and am experiencing are signs of mourning and not to be misunderstood. I can’t always remember things or I repeat myself or I break down in the produce aisle or I change my mind a dozen times. It’s not drama. I’m not crazy. I’m mourning.