Daryl Wood's Blog

These past few weeks I have written until my hand aches. I’m compelled to get my thoughts into my journal and let my feelings and my story be settled somewhere. When they churn up inside of me I start to pace and eat and go from task to task trying to quiet my mind. Finally I give in and let the emotions race to be written down – sometimes in a scribbled, illegible scattering of words and sometimes in neat rows of cursive.

What I write is often repetitious of the past year. Sorrow. Longing. Confusion. Desperation. Aching Loneliness. And then there is also Gratitude, Joy, Awareness, Love and Peace.

I wanted to write something brilliant here and talk about how I turned weeks of of big disappointments into opportunities, but I’m barely there. When I started this post I was still recovering from the sadness of having to cancel happy celebrations due to winter weather. I’m still working through the growth and learning that inevitably comes from unwanted challenges. I’d like to say I’m doing what I’ve told hundreds of people in my women’s retreats and corporate workshops to do, but I’m not fully there yet.

I taught The Empowerment Dynamic. I know how to shift out of the Drama Triangle so I’m not stuck in Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer roles. I’ve heard myself say so many times “I get that you don’t like this but given that it’s your current reality how will you be with this?” And what my clients and I looked for was ways to feel grounded, peaceful, grateful, hopeful. We looked for that small baby step, that 1% difference we could make to move ourselves towards a more empowered way of being, of feeling.

And I tried. I asked for help … from a lot of people … and I tried hard. Sometimes I could feel the shift and the relief it brought. Sometimes I sobbed uncontrollably while I shovelled snow and missed my beloved Doug in his big coveralls following the snowblower around the parking lot. The worst for me was that I persecuted myself for being weak and not getting my act together. It sounded like a familiar rant “I should know how to do this. I should try harder. I should use all my tools. I should think of others and not myself. I should stop complaining. I should smarten up. I should stop bothering other people.” And on and on and on it goes. My clients know I am the loudest when I say ‘don’t should on yourself’. Should and shame are partners in crime. And so without being intentional, I shamed myself for not being grateful enough when other people were clearly suffering more. It was so hard to push back on these debilitating messages coming from a part of me that was so afraid of being wrong.

And then one day a phone call brought me back to my wise inner self. A revered colleague reminded me that self-compassion is important for all of us to manage the ebbs and flows of life. And for those of us mourning the loss of a once in a lifetime love, it is essential for our very survival.

I remembered something someone had given me months ago and rediscovered a wealth of learning. Dr. Kristen Neff is a leader in the world of Self-Compassion. Her videos and articles are inspiring and informative. They are the essence of an outstretched hand offering warmth and kindness when old patterns of thinking hijack what is surely meant to be a peaceful heart.

So each day I commit to at least one act of self-compassion to ease myself into what I hope will become a habit. At least once when the “I should” comes up I want to counter it with love. In the middle of the jagged edges of mourning there is the possibility that I will get back on my feet, however wobbly they have become, and embrace self-compassion to guide the rest of my days.