Daryl Wood's Blog

That’s the First Vital Question in The Empowerment Dynamic work that I loved and taught for ten years. The principle is so simple. Really. Just notice if you are focusing on problems, inconveniences, disappointments, difficulties, annoyances, and drama – big drama and little drama. Just notice. The first step in changing our behaviour is recognizing it and the second step is an honest acknowledgement of the facts as we know them. If what we are focused on makes us anxious, angry, sad, frustrated or numb then we can decide if that’s what we want to focus on. And even those of us who know this have sometimes had a hard time taking back our power by simply telling ourselves the truth. It all sounds a little like magical thinking in a world where distractions are at what feels like an all time high. But that too is a focus that limits our ability for hope.

And somewhere between noticing and acknowledging there is space, if we choose, for a pause. Space for breathing and ‘being with’ whatever rises from within. I feel this when I suddenly realize my beloved Doug is no more on the physical earth. He doesn’t live in my house as he once did and some people in my life will never know his funny, kind ways. When the noticing comes, I feel emotions racing to the surface and sometimes, when I can, I pause. I pause long enough to feel what this is like for me before I reluctantly sigh and acknowledge the truth. Even in those few moments there is time for a pause. After the acknowledgement I can quietly decide where I will put my focus.

I’ve been told repeatedly by well-meaning, loving supporters that if I focus on the blessings of my life with Doug and the blessings I have now, I will feel more ease. 18 long months in, I know, and really have known all along, they are right. Until now, it has been an almost impossible task to see anything but the void that his passing has left in my life. I say almost because with the kindness of my friends and colleagues I have dipped my toe into shifting my perspective off and on. None of us is perfect at anything and I give myself and others credit for the times we override our impulses to bring ourselves more peace.

And I am committed to feeling my feelings so I know that noticing and acknowledging don’t guarantee I will want to move out of grief. Sometimes it seems to keep me close to my much loved Doug and I am not ready to ‘give up’ that connection. And when I am ready, I stand by the lake or in woods or the grocery store or wherever I am and breathe into a place that lifts my spirits knowing I am humbled to have had such a devoted partner and years of heartfelt memories.

Where I put my focus is a powerful tool I’ve taught others. For these many months of mourning I have been ambushed so often I rarely had the capacity to change where I put my focus. I’m doing it now, as best I can, as I ease into my new life.