Daryl Wood's Blog

Decades ago when I trudged up and down Eagle Road in the early morning hours I listened to one of my favourite ‘teachers’ Caroline Myss’ audio series ‘Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power’. I still pop it into my car to periodically hear a message that is always timely. And one of the lines I remember so well has come to settle into my mind these past few days. That is, “You build self-esteem by honouring the commitments you make to yourself.’ Oh boy.

If I was as thorough at honouring the commitments I make to myself as I was at the ones I make to others I am guessing I’d be more accomplished in the areas of my life where I feel somewhat lacking in focus. And yes, grieving the loss of my beloved Doug probably has something to do with my inability to follow through on my personal commitments. But I know that the truth is, I wasn’t great at it before so no surprise here.

AND I led dozens of Women’s Wisdom Retreats and coached even dozens more women (and the occasional brave man) to believe in themselves enough that they would honour themselves with actions as simple as doing for themselves what they said they would. I believed it was possible and I did it. I’ve never been good at teaching what I don’t live. I have too much integrity to live by a ‘do what I say, not what I do’ mindset.

But there are areas of my life that I know I need to keep recommitting to in order to not only make changes but to also build back up the self-esteem that has been badly bruised in this period of deep mourning. In the early days, if I got my bed made and fed myself it was considered a triumph and I gave myself the requisite acknowledgements for just surviving. Now, all these months later (I can’t believe I’m saying months) I see where it requires more than just a few simple tasks to pull me up to my full height.

What is showing up for me in my meditations and journalling is how I make commitments to myself over and over again and then ignore them. It feels a bit like letting myself off the hook or making excuses. And I can be very persuasive in showing how I ‘did something else that was good’ or offering up pretty solid evidence of why something I committed to didn’t happen.

The contrast I see and have shared with a trusted friend is that if I had made a commitment that supported Doug … and there were so many of those over the six years of his cancer journey and especially in his final weeks of suffering … it was immovable. It happened regardless of sleepless nights, grueling schedules, lack of resources, etc. I simply would not allow myself to not do what I committed to except in the most extreme cases where I did everything humanly possible.

So here I sit heading to my evening journalling with a mind overrun with things I did today that don’t fall within the container of commitments I have made over and over again to myself. What happened? What ‘legitimate’ reason do I have for treating myself with less regard than my dear Doug? And what is the impact on my self-esteem of being let down again?

The harsh reality I face is that in the past, Doug would give me a boost with his ever present love and acceptance. Now, as much as I wish it were different, I am left to do that for myself. This is new territory. I have loads of examples where I have indeed honoured the commitments I’ve made to myself. Perhaps in the days ahead I will find a way to add just one more of those old commitments to my to-do list and actually get it done. We’ll see.