Daryl Wood's Blog

Almost two years. How is that possible? How could Doug have been physically out of my life for two whole years? I am still listening for his footsteps and looking for him around corners. I am still waiting for his funny greetings morning, noon and night. I am still staring at his picture and straining to remember what he looked like in front of me. I am still hoping for his wise guidance and calming presence. I am still aching to curl up with him and talk and talk for hours about our lives, our dreams, our adventures, our love for each other. I am still longing for what we had for so many years unencumbered by illness. And I am still here.

I have been wondering what I will do on November 12th to mark two years since my beloved Doug took his last breath holding my hand and looking out on the lake in the home he loved. I kept thinking up ideas to help with my sadness and disbelief that I am still here after two long years that sometimes feels so short. And then I let my thoughts go to see if I could be gently guided to what and where I would be most ‘held’ and supported. I wasn’t even sure I would need that on the day because typically the days and sometimes weeks leading up are much harder. It’s the feeling of wanting to do it right, to honour the memory of my sweetie, to give myself as much comfort as possible. I have had two ‘messages’ from Doug telling me to have fun which is a strange concept but so in line with what he would want for me. In the end, I have a plan that feels good to be with special friends.

Once that was settled I thought about this blog. What can I say that I haven’t said over and over again: living without him is often too painful to imagine and my life is still going on. I remember saying about the first year that I desperately wanted to be with Doug and thought out ways of making that happen. Honestly, there are still times when I have those wishes but I’m still here. And that’s what is remarkable to me. I am still here.

If not for the genuine love from my community, friends and family, I would be long gone. Until now they have got me through the worst days of my life and even now as I am building my own new foundation they still stand in readiness to give me what I need. So it feels like gratitude … that poor little tired overworked word … is the best place to land. When I wake up in the morning, which can sometimes be very early in the morning, I send my first thoughts to being grateful for my comfy bed, good pillow, cool breeze on my face from the outside, a quiet neighbourhood and anything else that might be present. It’s an easy leap then to be grateful for the life I have now. Would I trade it for more time with my big, strong, healthy, funny, charming, capable, loving Doug? In a heartbeat.

So I won’t be writing a blog on the day. I will stay in the moment and see what feelings arise for me and whatever they are, I’ll welcome them, be with them, celebrate them and be grateful I had 25 years with the love of my life who loved me so unconditionally. Wherever I am and whatever I’m doing on November 12th I will place my hand on my heart and be enormously thankful that I had the experience of being loved by Doug and loving him back.