Daryl Wood's Blog

Should. Have. Already. Mastered. Everything.

Anne Lamott is one of the people I listen to and read with great reverence. She makes things so real. Listening to her say this in an interview with Kate Bowler I paused. Is that true? Is that what I feel? Is there resonance?

The answer was yup. And maybe not everything but for sure the things that I don’t feel I have mastered or done well. The myth of perfectionism looms around me. I hear it in the language people use about ‘trying’, ‘getting there’, ‘working on it’, ‘making progress’, and my favourite (which I use all the time) ‘learning and growing’. It all sounds like we are striving for something, some kind of end goal or some imagined finish line where we can take a deep breath and relax. Did it! Done it! Got there! Over! Hurrah! Success!

And what if so much of what we are doing is really just living. Being present to what unfolds in our daily life. Noticing. Accepting. Next.

In my humble opinion there is nothing wrong with striving to learn or grow or achieve. It’s only when we shame ourselves for not getting there soon enough, fast enough or capably enough. And who is in charge of determining what mastery is anyway? Whose standards am I trying so hard to meet?

Shame has followed me throughout my life and my efforts to silence the inner critic have been broad and wide. Brene Brown was a champion to me in my quest to uncover and face my shaming behaviours. I’ve been at it for over thirty years and I’m still so surprised by how pervasive it can be. This is where I shame myself for not knowing how to deal with the shaming voice in my head. Does that make any sense? And if I use specific tools I can see that the inner critic is, in some strange way, trying to alert me to possible danger but what it mostly does it keep me afraid. Afraid of more shaming.

I haven’t already mastered everything. I have figured out how to mange grocery shopping, banking, wood stacking, yoga class, diamond art and appreciating the incredible views out my window every day. And I’ve mastered a lot more than that. Yesterday I told my wellness coach that I’m going to journal the question (rephrased after our call) ‘How might my life be different if I wasn’t so afraid?” This morning it feels like my inner critic is fuelling my fear with the threat of shame.

Time for a reset.