Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 7, 2024

Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power

Over two decades ago I walked my country roads with an old fashioned Walkman, listening to Caroline Myss talk about Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power. I loved it. It made sense. But, oh what a challenge to think about living in those principles. The idea that we could cultivate within ourselves the ability to hold onto our centre of gravity no matter what. That we could believe in our inner wisdom enough that we could be unshakable in what we do in our lives, how we relate to others and the way we fulfill our purpose and destiny in this lifetime.

I picked up what I could and ran with it. I did my best in the midst of punishing, negative self-beliefs that I had carried my whole life. It was a hard ship to turn around and having my beloved Doug at my side made it easier. He reflected back to me all the things I said I had learned but seemed to forget in daily life. I taught elements of this work in my Women’s Wisdom Retreats and periodically pulled out the cds to listen again for inspiration. And that’s what has happened as I’ve done long drives these past few weeks. Thankfully my car is old enough to still have a cd player!

Something that has stood out for me this time around has been how so much of our lives are driven by what we believe about ourselves. That’s not surprising to most of us but because I live and breathe this stuff I began taking a closer look at how my Self-Esteem was impacting my life. In particular I looked at the relationship fallout of my dear Doug’s death. I think I will scream at unrecognizable decibels if one more person says to me “everyone grieves differently”. If so, how can there be over 50,000 books on grief available to purchase? Yes, we all have our distinct characteristics around the grief experience because we are all human and carry our own baggage from our lives. Therefore, we won’t all act with the same empathy, compassion, consciousness, etc. that might be helpful or even respectful in grief situations. And for sure, there are undeniable similarities. But, I wondered, how is grief response connected to Self-Esteem. That’s where Caroline’s message took me.

Listening to Caroline I paused to think about a close relationship in my life that completely hijacks my Self-Esteem pretty much every single time. I might not have decided to explore this any further except that a dear friend has barraged me lately (with my permission) with her anger and frustration with a relative. The more I listened, the more I heard so much negative judgement. I teach Shadow Work so I turned the mirror on myself and voila. After all, right now I am looking at myself – my thoughts, actions and behaviours – with bewilderment as I walk through something I’ve never encountered before to this degree.

I’m judging, resentful, sad and disappointed with one (okay maybe a few) relationships that fell apart when Doug died. It ‘suddenly’ connected directly to my Self-Esteem. There are people who can say anything to me and I am not affected one iota. There are people who judge me and I get a little miffed and then give them the benefit of the doubt and accept that their perception is different than mine. And then there is this one person who shatters my self-worth by actions/non actions, words/no words. Even though I know without hesitation that I am a good person, doing my best, living with as much authenticity as possible, all of that evaporates. While I am in acute grief, I am way more sensitive than even my highly sensitive self can understand.

And my wanting it to be different doesn’t make it so. This morning I decided to get curious instead of reactive. I’ve tried in the past to run from this emotional drama but since it shows up repeatedly I know in my heart that there is an important lesson/opportunity for me. And when I took a deeper look, it came back to my Self-Esteem. It came back to me giving up my ‘fundamental power’ because of what I believed about myself based on what this person said and did. So why would I do that? Why would this person (and yes, a few others with less intensity) be eligible for the power I keep giving them/the relationship?

In so many ways, all the work I have ever done is related. In this case, my focus keeps going back to what I believe I did/said wrong, what I’ve been told I did/said wrong, what I know I did/say wrong. My focus is on my failures or perceived failures. In the TED* work I am my own Persecutor. The pathway forward is clear if I choose to take it on. As a Creator, shifting my focus back to what I know is my truth – that I am doing my best with what I have physically, emotionally, spiritually – will build my Self-Esteem.

The most significant lesson from Caroline’s work from my first introduction is as true today as it ever was. “You build Self-Esteem by honouring the commitments you make to yourself.” Whew. Just listen to your inner guidance and follow through. It’s that simple. And it’s easier than we think and still, I catch myself doing/saying something because I’m consciously or unconsciously afraid of the outcome. In TED* we know that holding a vision for what we want without attachment to the outcome keeps us moving in the direction we want to go. So If I want to build strong Self-Esteem to be able to hold my ground when I start losing my power to this person the time to start is not when the trigger comes, but now. Now when my level of awareness is at its peak.

Today, I’m honouring more of the commitments I’ve made to myself. I wonder what would happen if we all did that.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 3, 2024

The Man In The Arena

Speech at the Sorbonne
Paris, France
April 23, 1910
by Theodore Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Exactly what I needed to re-read today. Vulnerability is the pathway to connection. Thank you to Roosevelt and Brené Brown for reminding me of my voice.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 1, 2024

The TED* Rescuer Role. Again.

Today’s Blog on The Empowerment Dynamic* (TED*) website prompted me to jump in with my perspective on Rescuing. As a practitioner of the 3VQ/TED* program I teach people about the Rescuer role all the time. I know it well because I’ve worn that label my entire life. I’m SO much better at managing my impulse to Rescue because I’ve lived and breathed this work for over ten years.

In my corporate training programs when we talk about the Rescuer (and the other roles on the DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle) I can’t help including my experience with Shadow Work. I explain that there is a ‘light’ and ‘shadow’ side to everything. Therefore, there is a light side to being a Rescuer. What, I ask, is ‘What is the light side of being a Rescuer?” “When is it a ‘good’ thing?” I use the example that if someone falls in the parking lot I would hope that all the Rescuers would move into action to help. I wouldn’t want them pausing to check inside and question their motives. I wouldn’t want them worrying that they may be judged as a Rescuer overstepping their boundaries. What they do after they assess the situation is when they can move away from Rescuing into a more supportive role such as Coach, Creator or Challenger.

As grief came knocking on my door when my beloved Doug passed away in November I was absolutely in need of a Rescuer. The sudden sense of Victimization took my breath away and in spite of all I knew I became seriously helpless. We all feel like a Victim at times and it could be said that there are the ‘legitimate’ victims and then there are those clinging to what gets them the most power. For me, I have always been aware that my own default to the Victim role from my upbringing could put me at risk of succumbing to codependency. Without the cognitive skills that were overridden in grief I wasn’t capable of accessing this wisdom.

Besides feeling desperate for emotional, psychological and spiritual support I wanted/needed someone to take care of me. I couldn’t figure out how to plan or prepare meals, organize paperwork, get to appointments and do basic housekeeping. I was lucky. My sister has the same Rescuer genes and arrived within 24 hours. She spent two weeks handling all the details, rarely questioning my decisions or mindset. I will forever be grateful for her presence and full on ‘saving’ me from my own self-destruction and wellbeing.

But eventually, as in all Rescue situations, it was time to change the interaction before it became toxic. We had become very comfortable in our roles and even though the shifting away from the DDT was obviously needed and recognized by both of us, we still felt the resistance. She got a little more controlling and bossy with lots of advice and a hint of resentment. I cried more and avoided her and felt a hint of resentment. The patterns were obvious results of the Rescuer/Victim relationship with each becoming a Persecutor of the other. The DDT roles are seductive and there is a lot of currency in all three roles.

She left on good terms with me wondering how I would survive and her worried I wouldn’t. We have continued to work through the ups and downs of my new reality with many more weeks of support. We talked about the importance of being open and honest so we didn’t get trapped in the DDT. We are not perfect at this because, after all, I rescued her over and over again in our youth and later in life. We have a history, but we also have a deep commitment to authenticity and vulnerability in our relationship. Without the TED* guidelines we might never have known what was going on and might never have had the chance to recover from the drama we co-create.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 29, 2024

Thank You Lynda Carter aka Wonder Woman

Today, this article in People magazine showed up in my online scanning. No surprise since grief seems to be my focus at the moment. Just reading the headline made me sit up and take notice. Three years? She is still grieving her husband after three years? Yes, thank you. This is what I needed to hear even though I long for the days when grief isn’t on my mind off and on during every waking hour. It was an awkward kind of comfort to know that my being so sad and lost was not unusual at this early juncture.

While the article talked mostly about the new song she wrote for her husband, I was stuck on the words that fully captured my own experience of ‘I think of him every day.”

If only for the purpose of highlighting for others the potential for years of grieving and, accepting that it may be a long journey, what I wanted to do was to copy this link and send it out. I wanted to send it to all the people (friends, family, acquaintances) who stare at me with disbelief or frustration that here I am almost 16 weeks in (and yes, I’m counting) and I’m still having crater sized sobbing sessions and irrational thinking. I wanted to send it to the people who are kindheartedly telling me what I should be doing to ‘move on’. I wanted to send it to the people who unknowingly are shaming me when they say things like “you owe it to Doug to be happy”. I wanted to send it to the friends who desperately want to help me by offering endless distractions with trips and projects and complaints about whatever or whoever is bugging them at the moment. I wanted to send it to the well meaning folks who tell me their own stories of loss (which by the way if they aren’t about a beloved spouse they aren’t the same thing … and even if they are … they aren’t the same thing.) I wanted to send it to the person who keeps reminding me that I have lots of good memories and all I need to do is shift my thinking to feel better. And I really wanted to send it to those who not so subtly point out how much luckier I am than those who have seriously big challenges to go along with their grief.

I didn’t send out the link. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or make them angry or to sound ungrateful for the generosity of spirit that keeps them coming back to watch out for me. But I wanted them to see through these words and ultimately through my eyes and heart and mind that it is possible for someone to be engulfed in periods of misery for a long time even when they may also be capable of having calmer, even happy moments.

So instead of what I wanted to do, I wrote this blog. And maybe it hits home for some people because of how hard my friends and family try to ease my despair and support and comfort me. I tell myself that eventually no one will read this because it will be too depressing. Grief is not a comfortable dinner companion. I don’t know that I could keep being swallowed up by someone else’s painful journey. There is more than enough sad news to go around without opting in. But I have to write. That’s how I process and I trust that in my ‘coach speak’ everyone is capable, resourceful and whole. When they’ve had enough, they’ll move on and I will still be writing.

Finally, more than anything, I wanted to read over and over the few sentences in the article that spoke to the heartbreak that cannot be healed and cannot be ignored. “The soul of the song is about how you miss a person so much, because they’re such a presence in your life that it’s almost impossible to imagine that you won’t physically see them again in this life,” she explains. “You wonder, ‘How can I communicate with you? Where are you? You didn’t just die — there’s too much of you left on this earth, too many people that love you.” I wanted to read over and over that someone else knew how hard it is to go on every day searching for their lost love and praying for a normal that looks remotely like the normal that once filled me with such joy.

And I cried. I cried tears of gratitude that somewhere in the world, and probably a lot of places in the world, someone else gets what I’m going through. They know how folded socks, misplaced hammers, empty beds, jeans on a hook, batteries on charge, favourite pictures, scraps of paper with neat printing, a well used tool bag, a stunning sunrise, otters racing across the icy lake, a car sitting idle, unfinished bird houses, green rubber boots, carpenters pencils, a worn out cushion, the kindling bin, a windy day, the eerie silence as evening falls and so much more can be the catalyst for unrelenting sorrow.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 28, 2024

Small Talk, Big Talk, No Talk

My phone buzzed at the grocery check out this morning and when I glanced at it, there was the beautiful smiling face of my nephew’s two month old daughter. I was the only customer and I knew the cashier (small towns are like that) so I quickly held up my phone to her. We ooohed and aaahed over the baby’s cuteness and then chattered a bit before I left the store.

Driving home I wondered if that was what would be called Small Talk. It has been common for me to engage with people in all sorts of brief conversations about life and whatever is in front of us. A lot of this could easily be identified as Small Talk, just bits of information passed back and forth without any real ‘weight’ or even significance. I believe it connects us with each other and is a way to say “I see you” even if there is an element of superficiality to it.

I know people, and sometimes I am one of them, that abhors that kind of Small Talk. My introverted friends cringe when they are with me and I inquire about someone’s family member or check in for an update with someone I pass on my walk. Lately I’ve held back a lot more as I keep my thoughts and feelings inside.

So I let my mind wander as I thought about this morning’s conversation. It may look like Small Talk on the surface but in that moment it was actually Big Talk. The only way I can define Big Talk is when whatever it is touches deep into my heart. I’ve had a closer connection with this nephew for a few years now and since Doug’s passing, he has been consistent at reaching out to support me. We live many miles apart so seeing each other is not an option. Through the miracle of text messaging and occasional phone calls he brings me great joy, comfort and love. When I hear from him, I am uplifted and reminded that since we have a history, our roots are stronger than even the kindest of strangers.

So on days like today when I don’t want to talk to or talk at or any form of talk, this Small Talk became a very Big Talk for me. Just like the Grinch, my heart grew bigger and melted into a puddle of gratitude. And that’s what Big Talk does for me.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 27, 2024

Knowing Better Doesn’t Guarantee Doing Better

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou

I’ve heard this quote many times in a slightly different way. I decided to write this post because what I remembered was “When we know better, we do better.” and I was prepared to defend my argument against that. After all, knowing better doesn’t guarantee any of us will actually do better. There is plenty of evidence of us knowing better in all matters of life – health, education, relationships, business, politics, etc. – and sometimes we keep making the same poor choices over and over.

So because I’m a bit of a stickler for accuracy I looked up the quote and realized I’d been saying it wrong all these years (my apologies to my retreat women).

What I am certain of is that I know better on an intellectual level but my heart and emotions are loudly contradicting me. I know (and have been reminded often by well meaning friends and family) that there is so much for me to be grateful for and so many things have gone well for me since that sad day when my sweetheart Doug died. That’s obvious from the circling of family in the immediate aftermath, the quick sale of our beloved Sarnia getaway, the means to manage financially, the many people who have given of their time and energy, food and friendship to help me through these past few weeks (did I mention it has been 15 weeks?) and even the good weather making the six times I had to travel smoother.

And I know for sure that there are things I could be doing to make life easier – better nutrition, yoga/stretching, meditation, guided visualizations, more therapy/grief support, etc. I know these things and would recommend them to anyone else in a state of acute grief. At least, I think I would have in the past. Now I’m not so sure.

I told myself I would accept invitations so that I’m not spending time alone. Today I declined a visit with a beautiful young couple who desperately want to support me. There was no other reason than I was too consumed with my grief and stuck in self focus to believe it would be a pleasant experience for any of us. Even though I counsel people not to say no for others, I made the decision that it would not be fair to them. What I know in my head is that we would likely have had some conversation about my feelings and eventually switched to my getting much anticipated updates about their lives.

But even though I knew better I was hijacked by grief and the suffocating feeling that doing anything other than sobbing and feeling deep in despair was out of the question.

So to say that when we know better, we do better is to assume that all systems are aligned – body, mind, emotions and spirit. I’d like to think that’s what Ms. Angelou meant. That when we know better in a ‘whole person’ way, it is ‘natural’ that we do better. I’ve been astonished at how deep grief messes with me on every level and in raging ups and downs. The key of course is that we quiet the inner Saboteur and check our self-limiting baggage at the door.

Every single one of us has a myriad of opportunities every single day to make a choice to ‘do better’. It might be in how you speak about another person, what you leave unfinished, who you give your generosity to and when you pause. Your soul/spirit knows best so if the only thing you do today is to check in, that may be enough to sway your final decision.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 26, 2024

When You Can’t Look Away

Over the years I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive, that I can sympathize with the plight of others too easily. That may be true as I often see past human ‘misbehaviours’ to the fragile underlying in all of us that is a defense to a scary world. But I still feel the initial bruising of my spirit when an injustice is played out on the world stage or in my own circle of connection. It can be super hard not to feel empathy or compassion when there is SO much trauma and despair wherever we look. And it’s hard to look away when big events like war, criminal activity, pandemics and assaults on humanity surround us.

So many times I have read about or seen images or met someone suffering and told myself that I am the lucky one who can look away. I can be fully immersed in a documentary or news report and feel such sadness for the people whose lives have been upended in the most tragic circumstances. And then, I can look away. I don’t have to live with the crushing loss or imminent danger that is on display through every form of media. I can turn off the sources and go about my daily routine giving a little to each of the causes that strike at my heart or filling up my life with whatever is in front of me.

Close to home I see and hear the anguish of friends who have lost an adult child, relatives tormented by infertility, people barely able to pay for food and others oppressed by loneliness. I do the best I can to love and support them but I know what I do is unsustainable. I can no more be a full time reservoir of hope and championship to them than anyone can be that for me in these days of my acute grief.

Perhaps it is safer this way so that I and others like me don’t crumble under the weight of compassion fatigue. Burnout from witnessing so much hurt is unhealthy at the very least. So I remind myself that those who love me have and will step in to offer what they can but ultimately they will need to look away to replenish their own wellbeing. Even I, in the tiniest of ways can look away when someone in the grocery store tells me a deer hit their car and totalled it. For that brief time they tell me what happened I have looked away from my own grief.

It may not be for long because I will never be able to completely look away. My sweet Doug has his fingerprints all over my life. There are people everyone … you included … who may be grappling with severe or even life altering conditions that simply can’t be looked away from. So when you meet someone who is clearly grieving take a few extra minutes to listen and hold sacred space for them. That might be all they need to get them through until to the next time they can look away.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 25, 2024

The Day I Gave My Power Over to Little White Crew Socks

It hadn’t been such a bad morning. Even though I was a little overwhelmed by the disorganization of my home I was intent on making the most of my time. I sent a thank you text to friends I’d visited the day before, sent another text to a friend struggling with her husband’s treatment plan, mailed a thank you card to a widow ‘buddy’ and dropped off a sympathy card to someone who lost a loved one. A great start to the day. I arrived at the grocery store when it opened and before I finished my quick shopping I’d had two conversations that involved me listening carefully to someone’s current life challenge. Still felt good and home to start a project.

The project? Moving my socks to their place in another dresser drawer. I have too many socks so I began setting them up in categories and that’s when it happened. Under the pile of thick, black winter socks was a small stack of little white crew socks. I caught my breath. They were folded neatly in the signature way that my husband Doug folded socks (he had a unique way for all laundry). I could barely touch them knowing that he had folded them and would have set them aside for me to put in the drawer. The tears were instant and the next few hours became a test of my will to grieve and function. I sent a note to my buddy wondering how three pairs of little white crew socks could have so much power over me. Her reply “that’s grief for ya” confirmed what I knew but didn’t give me an answer to how to cope. And then I realized that I didn’t need to cope. I just needed to ‘be with’ the feelings.

As if I needed to be reminded that we live at a time when feeling anything ‘bad’ is a call to arms for solutions – and the sooner the better. We have access to a myriad of ways to overcome discomfort when most of the time being with the discomfort is what is needed most. It allows the feelings to process through our bodies, minds and spirits just as joy and elation need space to ignite our systems. It is true that what we resist, persists. By being ‘with’ our feelings we get to witness our capacity to feel a full range of emotions without dying from the happiness OR anguish. We get to feel the healing, learn from the triggers, assess our strengths and weaknesses. How would we ever know this about ourselves if we were never tested? And grief offers one of life’s biggest examinations. One I sincerely wish I didn’t have to face. But in the end, we all do.

And so I walked. A lot. Not to hide from or avoid the feelings but to talk out loud in the frigid air and brilliant sunshine. I wanted to hear myself say out loud what hurt so bad. I’ve always processed better out loud and Doug was often my witness. Today the only witnesses were random wildlife and the ongoing conversations I have with my patient husband in his spirit form.

What was clear was that there’s no need to take my power back from the little white crew socks. In fact, they are safely stored in a corner of the drawer where I can look at them once in a while and cry or smile, neither being the right or wrong way to react. Allowing ourselves to feel all of our feelings is only an abstract idea until we make it an act of intention. And everyone has little white crew socks somewhere in their life.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 24, 2024

A New Way of Looking at Faith and Fear

Many years ago a friend remarked that ‘faith and fear cannot co-exist’. I thought that was brilliant. If I had enough faith that whatever I was dealing with would somehow work out then it would not seem so scary. If I had faith that things where ‘meant to be’ and they were all ‘opportunities for growth and learning’ then I wouldn’t be so afraid to try new things. If I had faith that I could handle situations than I wouldn’t be so worried about facing difficult challenges. If I had faith, deep committed faith, then I could live with more inner peace. I believed these words, shared them with others and watched how they positively impacted my life.

Until today. In my anguish at once again facing the reality that my much loved husband Doug really did die in November I picked up a book on grieving to seek some solace to what felt like impossible odds. How would I ever survive the days and weeks and years ahead if I knew that I would have these hours, days and maybe even weeks of deep sobbing and despair? Where would I ever feel so loved and safe without his devotion to me? And why would I even want to choose to live when at a moment’s notice I could be suspended in a void of emptiness that held no meaning for me?

Somewhere in the midst of reading something surprising came over me. As the author (Megan Devine) talked about our culture of avoidance of feelings I realized that there was actually room for all feelings at the same time. That you/I could feel faith and fear at the same time. Just as we can be brave and afraid, anxious and calm, excited and disappointed, angry and grateful, etc.

We/I could have tremendous faith that we are held whole and fully by the Universe, a loving god, the spirit world, etc. and also be fearful that the grief we are carrying will paralyze us at any turn. I taught Shadow Work for decades and have witnessed the rolling continuum of the light and shadow to every thought, word and action. I know that there is a positive and negative energy to every feeling and emotion. I can see that clearly but I couldn’t see that having faith and fear simultaneously was even possible.

A Christmas card from my grandparents when I was very young had a verse by Helen Steiner Rice that said in part “Faith in things we cannot see requires a child’s simplicity.” The idea that without any evidence we simply have faith is appealing. No explanations needed. We just believe that somehow, someway we know. I do believe we have a built in system of faith when we are born and it only gets eroded through the influence of others.

And based on evidence so far, I have faith that I will be loved and supported through the process even though some days I don’t have the willingness to even reach out for help. And I can be solid in this faith and still be afraid of the darkness when it descends on me like a crushing wave.

So I am still learning whether I like it or not. I told my retreat women that as long as we are alive, we are learning even if it isn’t apparent or we don’t acknowledge it. That seems true for me as I hold both faith and fear in the cup of my hands.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 13, 2024

When Empathy Took Over

Every other day or so I take a quick look at the local obituaries. We are a small town and I want to know if someone goes missing from our community. I would never do this in a city but pretty much every listing has a familiar ring to it. Saturday morning was particularly surprising.

Two weeks ago I met an acquaintance in town and we had not seen each other since my sweet Doug died in November. Of course I sobbed out loud in the grocery store (they are used to that) and she hugged me with great compassion. We talked about Doug and I caught up on her husband’s failing health. We agreed I would drop in for a visit in the future.

Saturday morning I read that her husband had died suddenly at home two days earlier. It was jolting and I knew what I needed to do. After finishing some tasks I went to town and bought flowers and cookies and drove to her home. She was alone with her son and grandson in the back room busy and when she laid eyes on me she said “I’ve been thinking about you ever since this happened.” We had a long tearful embrace and then settled into chairs to talk.

And then it happened. My heart opened to my instinct to care and all my training as a coach to listen came to the forefront. I’ve been so immersed in my own grief that I haven’t had much room to be ‘with’ other people in celebration or despair. Saturday morning it was effortless. I listened as she shared the experience of finding him and the history of their 63 year marriage and back to the trauma of his passing and then to happy events. She jumped around their lives together and laughed and cried through the telling and retellling of her loss. And I listened. I listened because I knew she needed that more than anything I could have said. We both knew I was a few steps further down the path from her and she referenced that off and on. And I knew that this was her path and it might/would look very different from mine. Without hesitation I gave her the opportunity to say and do whatever she needed in that moment and that included hugs and listening without judgement. I think of something I told the women at my retreats when we first gathered together and I paraphrased Parker Palmer: “No fixing, no saving, no advising, no setting straight”. Just be a vessel of loving kindness to hold space for others.

I came away giving in to my own sobs of grief but also cried for the courage and strength I’d had to give her what she needed. It feels like a step forward and also reminds me of something Sheryl Sandberg mentions in her book Option B about the death of her husband. It was a way that I ‘took back’ something from my life before widowhood, something I was proud of being able to do for others.

I’m realistic enough to know that I won’t always be able to do this and now I have evidence that in the midst of my own suffering I can give to others with genuine love and empathy.

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