Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 22, 2024

Resilience vs Adaptability

The word resilience has been part of my vocabulary for years. I’ve used it with my coaching clients, in my women’s retreats and in organizations wanting to build healthy workplaces. The emphasis has always been on regaining our footing, forging ahead, getting through the tough times. There is a pull to get back to where we were and what worked.

The Oxford dictionary defines resilience as: “the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness, the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.”

Those are excellent life skills for dealing with the inevitable challenges we all face. We strive to ‘recover quickly’ so that we can keep moving forward in our lives for the sake of our health, careers and relationships. It is vital in the workplace where ups and downs can throw schedules off and demand that we regain control of situations.

In grief, there is no springing back into shape or recovering quickly. There is no ‘there’ to get back to. And maybe there isn’t for any of us. Maybe staring at the concept of resilience right now has opened my eyes to the reality that none of us can ever go back to what was or what we were because even for a few seconds of veering off track, we have changed.

In my retreats I had a blow up Bozo clown. I would demonstrate how he bounced back when he took a hit but only if he was fully pumped up – an analogy for having a solid foundation and self-confidence. And I believe that when our self-esteem is strong and we are spiritually and emotionally grounded we have the ability to ‘withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties’. That’s what resilience looks like.

I’ve been told by those who have walked this path before me that clearly I have withstood this extraordinary difficulty and that I will recover, albeit slowly, to some aspects of who I was. But I believe what I need more than resilience right now is adaptability. And maybe that’s what we all need in this world that asks us to pivot over and over again for every imaginable reason.

Adaptability is defined as ‘the quality of being able to adjust to new conditions.’ We all need that to survive and thrive. John C. Maxwell said “Change is inevitable, growth is optional.” Without realizing it, we all face changes every day from traffic, weather, relationships, challenges, etc. I surmise that most of us are more adaptable than we think we are which is a sign of growth. And when we aren’t and we feel triggered by changes it could be said that we feel negatively affected because we don’t accept what is.

So today I plan to be as adaptable as possible given that every aspect of my life has changed dramatically in just under 19 weeks. Am I surviving? So far, yes. Am I thriving? Well, that depends on the definition of thriving. Am I adapting? Yes … sometimes kicking and screaming my way through but I am just like everyone else on the planet trying to find a way through the maze of unpredictability.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 19, 2024

Using My Pass … Or Not

A long time friend surprised me with a visit when she drove up from the city for lunch. I was happy to see her even though I felt some anxiety as I often do these days when I don’t know how I’ll feel and what might trigger me. By the time we parted, I was in tears from being so annoyed with her that I hoped I wouldn’t see her again. It took a day for me to unravel what had happened.

I’m a master at reframing and feeling empathetic, accepting and compassionate towards others. It usually happens so quickly I hardly notice. I’ve worked on this for 30 years and believe in my heart that kindness isn’t just a physical act but a spiritual way to live. I strive for that in my daily life. Since Doug died in November I have been blessed with enormous kindness from others and my gratitude for the generous acts from family, friends and strangers touches me deeply. But I have noticed that it’s not as easy for me to be as magnanimous as before.

So here I was after my friend’s lunch visit judging her for how she showed up. She has recently adopted a new health and fitness routine that she loves and expanded on with a lot of detail. At one point she was so arrogant about her knowledge and ability that I couldn’t speak. She had all the answers to every problem and even though she was not acting on them, she was insistent that she knew exactly what to do. When she finally left I was exhausted and dismayed that I had endured what felt like a tirade. Ugh.

But even in my acute grief it didn’t take long for me to remind myself of the basic principles of Shadow Work: “Whatever you admire or despise in others is also within you. What you don’t own, owns you.” Ugh, ugh, ugh. And more tears. I knew that I had done the same thing as my friend over and over again when I was passionate about something and couldn’t contain or control my enthusiasm. I knew I had overridden other people’s opinions, suggestions and feedback when I had a strong sense of being right. I knew that, but I seemed to have forgotten it when I sat in unfair judgement of my friend. Ugh again. What happens when we do this is we stop listening to the other person and get into our own head. That’s what a Persecutor looks like on the DDT (Dreaded Drama Triangle) in the TED* work I teach.

Some of my closest grief supporters have told me often that while grieving I have a ‘pass’ because grief hijacks our sensibilities and thought processes so that we think and behave in ways that are unnatural to us. I agree and I know it is absolutely necessary to give myself a pass when I might otherwise jump to self-criticism. And lots of times those of us who are grieving deeply don’t care how we show up. We are doing the best we can to get out of our pajamas and brush our hair.

But I am too rooted in personal growth/conscious learning to not hear the whispers of reflection. At least I am now. Several weeks ago I doubt I had the capacity to let this awareness be heard. The reality is that I know too much and when you know, you are called from that inner wisdom to pay attention.

So, I’m paying attention and realizing that yes, I might have a pass, but I don’t want to let myself entirely off the hook to indulge in destructive, negative behaviour for the sake of my own wellbeing and the relationships I’m working to rebuild after months of living on the edge. I want to cling to that element of wisdom so I don’t completely lose myself in the wreckage of grief. I want it for me and for every one of the thoughtful people who walk with me even if only for a short time over lunch. They deserve the best I can give and while that best definitely looks different from hour to hour I remind myself that learning doesn’t stop even if grief hacks into my precious, grounded, wise operating system.

It’s too easy these days to blame someone or something for our discontent. That’s one of the first conversations Doug and I ever had and it rings true today for me. The Victim Role on the Drama Triangle is built on blaming and complaining. I have been victimized but I am also a survivor (a Creator in the TED* language).

At 18 weeks in I am grateful that my years of hard work learning and growing have caught me on this loop before I lose myself in Victimhood. At least this time I saw it and hopefully I will again and again. I’m thankful for Shadow Work and Coach Training and The Empowerment Dynamic. And so is my friend.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 10, 2024

No Fixing? No Saving? Really?

“Are you getting grief counseling?” “Yes, I reply.” The sigh on the end of the phone is audible followed by “Oh good.” I know what that means: “Oh good, someone who knows what to do is telling you what to do so you can move on and it won’t be so hard for me to be around you.” The relief is gratitude that someone else is taking responsibility for fixing me. It has all just become too much for many of those closest to me. I don’t seem to be getting ‘better’ and even when there is noticeable progress, there is surprise and frustration when I plunge back into mournful sobs and aching despair.

I get it. It’s hard to be around me sometimes. But no amount of grief counseling can ever replace the love and comfort I crave from family and friends and more than anything from my beloved Doug. He was my North Star, my safe place. If only these people who are left with the task of propping me up knew how to be with my grief. My grief is different from any grief they have experienced. It’s different from every other grief anyone has ever endured because even in similar circumstances I bring to it my own history, biology, perspectives, experience, life circumstances, relationships (with my dearest Doug and others), etc. How could anyone who loves me be expected to know what to do with my grief? Most of the time, I don’t know what to do with it either.

First up, it’s not a competition so telling me about someone else’s grief (your own, a relative, a friend, a neighbour, a co-worker, someone you met on a street corner or read about online) diminishes what I’m feeling and sometimes hints at shaming for being so distraught when “other people have it much worse.” Someday, I sincerely hope, I am able to expand my capacity to be of service to others again. Not yet.

People often tell me I am teaching others how to be with grief. I don’t want this job. It is exhausting on every level. I am a teacher by nature but I am living this and even though my life experiences have been woven into my coaching and training programs, this one is much more complicated and confusing. I realize now that I have very limited expertise in the area of grief. I didn’t know that before November 12, 2023.

There are long lists of ‘dos and don’ts’ when supporting a grieving person. It’s beyond me to list them all here but they are easily found online. Perhaps the most important one is to listen. I trained as a Life Coach and worked hard at learning to listen without attachment. I practiced and practiced because I come from a long line of problem solvers. My family and extended family are masters of figuring out what to do when something is broken. I’m blessed with countless fixers who have jobs that require these high level, intellectually stimulating talents. They are useless skills when someone is grieving. In fact, they can be very hurtful.

In his book A Hidden Wholeness, Parker Palmer, the renowned author describes his work with the Circle of Trust. I used the group criteria in my women’s retreats to ensure a safe space for everyone to be seen and heard. I’ve tried to follow these principle (occasionally achieving success) and now see how critical they are when someone grieving reaches out for support. In fact, I shared them with a friend yesterday who, in the most gentle and caring way, began to tell me what I ‘need to do’. I stopped him and quoted “no fixing, no saving, no advising and no setting straight.” Tearfully, I thanked him for this generosity of spirit and for being so willing to offer his wisdom to save me from the pain I was enduring. He was gracious in his acceptance of my feedback.

It took an inner strength I didn’t know I had to say out loud to him what I’ve been wishing I could say to dozens of people who have reached out so compassionately these past 17 weeks. But I did it because this relationship matters to me and I desperately needed to tell the truth. I was so worn down from having to explain my sadness to people who are just trying to get on with their own lives. And as much as we are close, this friend and I have enough distance that it’s safe to be honest. I didn’t risk losing those who ‘must’ help me through this, the ones who are stuck with me biologically or through marriage and have those closed door exasperated conversations about what to do with Daryl.

I didn’t choose this path of grief and my ‘people’ didn’t choose their role in being with me. Even though many of us love and care about someone in grief we rarely have the time and energy in our lives to commit to learning how to be the best supporter. That’s why there are valuable resources for grieving people because we know that almost exclusively no one close to us can give us what we need to survive these early days. And 17 weeks is early days. 17 months and 17 years will never erase the open wound in our hearts. The most we can hope for is a handful of people close to us willing to sign on and learn and grow with us. For them, and for me, it’s the drifting closer and pulling back that keeps us fumbling through this tough place we find ourselves. With the best intentions on both sides, it’s still not easy.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 9, 2024

A Mix of Sun and Cloud

When my son asked how I was doing the first answer that popped into my head was a weather forecast analogy, “A mix of sun and cloud.” Afterwards I thought of adding “with 50% chance of rain”.

The sun is the best part. It is him checking in, walking with a friend, hugs at the grocery store, a smooth move from the Sarnia cottage, Lake Huron glistening from shore to shore, and so much more. The sun times are the reminder that the sun was always there even on the days I couldn’t see it. The sun calls for something heart soothing like a long walk or curled up with a book on a comfy couch with the rays of light pouring in. Everyone seems in a better mood when the sun is out. It feels like hope and possibility and freedom. It feels as if we can start over, renew our commitments, let go of worry.

I love Clouds. I see Doug’s messages of love in long plumes just like the ones that filled the sky when we first decided to live in Tobermory full time.

But cloudy days can feel heavy. They make things feel dark and closed in. We slow down a bit and pull back from energetic activities. And everyone talks about it. Everyone comments on what a dull day or how much they miss the sun. People don’t smile as much on cloudy days. Clouds hide the wide open space and weigh us down with their tightly wrapped shades of grey. No one seems happy and excited for clouds.

So that mix of sun and cloud is what grief feels like right now. I am bouncing from the joy of finding just the right help to move stacks of wood to the sadness of looking for pictures to sell Doug’s beloved boat. My heart is lightened by my friend’s acceptance of a dinner invitation and game night for the two of us while I struggle to find room to store all Doug’s much loved hats. That’s what a mix of sun and cloud can look like in my life and honestly, in everyone’s life. We all face that mix of sun and cloud, joy and sadness, weak and strong.

And the 50% chance of rain? Yup. The sun can bring on just as many tears of gratitude as the clouds bring on the tears of despair. Either way, we keep going, all of us, whatever the forecast.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 7, 2024

Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power

Over two decades ago I walked my country roads with an old fashioned Walkman, listening to Caroline Myss talk about Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power. I loved it. It made sense. But, oh what a challenge to think about living in those principles. The idea that we could cultivate within ourselves the ability to hold onto our centre of gravity no matter what. That we could believe in our inner wisdom enough that we could be unshakable in what we do in our lives, how we relate to others and the way we fulfill our purpose and destiny in this lifetime.

I picked up what I could and ran with it. I did my best in the midst of punishing, negative self-beliefs that I had carried my whole life. It was a hard ship to turn around and having my beloved Doug at my side made it easier. He reflected back to me all the things I said I had learned but seemed to forget in daily life. I taught elements of this work in my Women’s Wisdom Retreats and periodically pulled out the cds to listen again for inspiration. And that’s what has happened as I’ve done long drives these past few weeks. Thankfully my car is old enough to still have a cd player!

Something that has stood out for me this time around has been how so much of our lives are driven by what we believe about ourselves. That’s not surprising to most of us but because I live and breathe this stuff I began taking a closer look at how my Self-Esteem was impacting my life. In particular I looked at the relationship fallout of my dear Doug’s death. I think I will scream at unrecognizable decibels if one more person says to me “everyone grieves differently”. If so, how can there be over 50,000 books on grief available to purchase? Yes, we all have our distinct characteristics around the grief experience because we are all human and carry our own baggage from our lives. Therefore, we won’t all act with the same empathy, compassion, consciousness, etc. that might be helpful or even respectful in grief situations. And for sure, there are undeniable similarities. But, I wondered, how is grief response connected to Self-Esteem. That’s where Caroline’s message took me.

Listening to Caroline I paused to think about a close relationship in my life that completely hijacks my Self-Esteem pretty much every single time. I might not have decided to explore this any further except that a dear friend has barraged me lately (with my permission) with her anger and frustration with a relative. The more I listened, the more I heard so much negative judgement. I teach Shadow Work so I turned the mirror on myself and voila. After all, right now I am looking at myself – my thoughts, actions and behaviours – with bewilderment as I walk through something I’ve never encountered before to this degree.

I’m judging, resentful, sad and disappointed with one (okay maybe a few) relationships that fell apart when Doug died. It ‘suddenly’ connected directly to my Self-Esteem. There are people who can say anything to me and I am not affected one iota. There are people who judge me and I get a little miffed and then give them the benefit of the doubt and accept that their perception is different than mine. And then there is this one person who shatters my self-worth by actions/non actions, words/no words. Even though I know without hesitation that I am a good person, doing my best, living with as much authenticity as possible, all of that evaporates. While I am in acute grief, I am way more sensitive than even my highly sensitive self can understand.

And my wanting it to be different doesn’t make it so. This morning I decided to get curious instead of reactive. I’ve tried in the past to run from this emotional drama but since it shows up repeatedly I know in my heart that there is an important lesson/opportunity for me. And when I took a deeper look, it came back to my Self-Esteem. It came back to me giving up my ‘fundamental power’ because of what I believed about myself based on what this person said and did. So why would I do that? Why would this person (and yes, a few others with less intensity) be eligible for the power I keep giving them/the relationship?

In so many ways, all the work I have ever done is related. In this case, my focus keeps going back to what I believe I did/said wrong, what I’ve been told I did/said wrong, what I know I did/say wrong. My focus is on my failures or perceived failures. In the TED* work I am my own Persecutor. The pathway forward is clear if I choose to take it on. As a Creator, shifting my focus back to what I know is my truth – that I am doing my best with what I have physically, emotionally, spiritually – will build my Self-Esteem.

The most significant lesson from Caroline’s work from my first introduction is as true today as it ever was. “You build Self-Esteem by honouring the commitments you make to yourself.” Whew. Just listen to your inner guidance and follow through. It’s that simple. And it’s easier than we think and still, I catch myself doing/saying something because I’m consciously or unconsciously afraid of the outcome. In TED* we know that holding a vision for what we want without attachment to the outcome keeps us moving in the direction we want to go. So If I want to build strong Self-Esteem to be able to hold my ground when I start losing my power to this person the time to start is not when the trigger comes, but now. Now when my level of awareness is at its peak.

Today, I’m honouring more of the commitments I’ve made to myself. I wonder what would happen if we all did that.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 3, 2024

The Man In The Arena

Speech at the Sorbonne
Paris, France
April 23, 1910
by Theodore Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Exactly what I needed to re-read today. Vulnerability is the pathway to connection. Thank you to Roosevelt and Brené Brown for reminding me of my voice.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 1, 2024

The TED* Rescuer Role. Again.

Today’s Blog on The Empowerment Dynamic* (TED*) website prompted me to jump in with my perspective on Rescuing. As a practitioner of the 3VQ/TED* program I teach people about the Rescuer role all the time. I know it well because I’ve worn that label my entire life. I’m SO much better at managing my impulse to Rescue because I’ve lived and breathed this work for over ten years.

In my corporate training programs when we talk about the Rescuer (and the other roles on the DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle) I can’t help including my experience with Shadow Work. I explain that there is a ‘light’ and ‘shadow’ side to everything. Therefore, there is a light side to being a Rescuer. What, I ask, is ‘What is the light side of being a Rescuer?” “When is it a ‘good’ thing?” I use the example that if someone falls in the parking lot I would hope that all the Rescuers would move into action to help. I wouldn’t want them pausing to check inside and question their motives. I wouldn’t want them worrying that they may be judged as a Rescuer overstepping their boundaries. What they do after they assess the situation is when they can move away from Rescuing into a more supportive role such as Coach, Creator or Challenger.

As grief came knocking on my door when my beloved Doug passed away in November I was absolutely in need of a Rescuer. The sudden sense of Victimization took my breath away and in spite of all I knew I became seriously helpless. We all feel like a Victim at times and it could be said that there are the ‘legitimate’ victims and then there are those clinging to what gets them the most power. For me, I have always been aware that my own default to the Victim role from my upbringing could put me at risk of succumbing to codependency. Without the cognitive skills that were overridden in grief I wasn’t capable of accessing this wisdom.

Besides feeling desperate for emotional, psychological and spiritual support I wanted/needed someone to take care of me. I couldn’t figure out how to plan or prepare meals, organize paperwork, get to appointments and do basic housekeeping. I was lucky. My sister has the same Rescuer genes and arrived within 24 hours. She spent two weeks handling all the details, rarely questioning my decisions or mindset. I will forever be grateful for her presence and full on ‘saving’ me from my own self-destruction and wellbeing.

But eventually, as in all Rescue situations, it was time to change the interaction before it became toxic. We had become very comfortable in our roles and even though the shifting away from the DDT was obviously needed and recognized by both of us, we still felt the resistance. She got a little more controlling and bossy with lots of advice and a hint of resentment. I cried more and avoided her and felt a hint of resentment. The patterns were obvious results of the Rescuer/Victim relationship with each becoming a Persecutor of the other. The DDT roles are seductive and there is a lot of currency in all three roles.

She left on good terms with me wondering how I would survive and her worried I wouldn’t. We have continued to work through the ups and downs of my new reality with many more weeks of support. We talked about the importance of being open and honest so we didn’t get trapped in the DDT. We are not perfect at this because, after all, I rescued her over and over again in our youth and later in life. We have a history, but we also have a deep commitment to authenticity and vulnerability in our relationship. Without the TED* guidelines we might never have known what was going on and might never have had the chance to recover from the drama we co-create.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 29, 2024

Thank You Lynda Carter aka Wonder Woman

Today, this article in People magazine showed up in my online scanning. No surprise since grief seems to be my focus at the moment. Just reading the headline made me sit up and take notice. Three years? She is still grieving her husband after three years? Yes, thank you. This is what I needed to hear even though I long for the days when grief isn’t on my mind off and on during every waking hour. It was an awkward kind of comfort to know that my being so sad and lost was not unusual at this early juncture.

While the article talked mostly about the new song she wrote for her husband, I was stuck on the words that fully captured my own experience of ‘I think of him every day.”

If only for the purpose of highlighting for others the potential for years of grieving and, accepting that it may be a long journey, what I wanted to do was to copy this link and send it out. I wanted to send it to all the people (friends, family, acquaintances) who stare at me with disbelief or frustration that here I am almost 16 weeks in (and yes, I’m counting) and I’m still having crater sized sobbing sessions and irrational thinking. I wanted to send it to the people who are kindheartedly telling me what I should be doing to ‘move on’. I wanted to send it to the people who unknowingly are shaming me when they say things like “you owe it to Doug to be happy”. I wanted to send it to the friends who desperately want to help me by offering endless distractions with trips and projects and complaints about whatever or whoever is bugging them at the moment. I wanted to send it to the well meaning folks who tell me their own stories of loss (which by the way if they aren’t about a beloved spouse they aren’t the same thing … and even if they are … they aren’t the same thing.) I wanted to send it to the person who keeps reminding me that I have lots of good memories and all I need to do is shift my thinking to feel better. And I really wanted to send it to those who not so subtly point out how much luckier I am than those who have seriously big challenges to go along with their grief.

I didn’t send out the link. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or make them angry or to sound ungrateful for the generosity of spirit that keeps them coming back to watch out for me. But I wanted them to see through these words and ultimately through my eyes and heart and mind that it is possible for someone to be engulfed in periods of misery for a long time even when they may also be capable of having calmer, even happy moments.

So instead of what I wanted to do, I wrote this blog. And maybe it hits home for some people because of how hard my friends and family try to ease my despair and support and comfort me. I tell myself that eventually no one will read this because it will be too depressing. Grief is not a comfortable dinner companion. I don’t know that I could keep being swallowed up by someone else’s painful journey. There is more than enough sad news to go around without opting in. But I have to write. That’s how I process and I trust that in my ‘coach speak’ everyone is capable, resourceful and whole. When they’ve had enough, they’ll move on and I will still be writing.

Finally, more than anything, I wanted to read over and over the few sentences in the article that spoke to the heartbreak that cannot be healed and cannot be ignored. “The soul of the song is about how you miss a person so much, because they’re such a presence in your life that it’s almost impossible to imagine that you won’t physically see them again in this life,” she explains. “You wonder, ‘How can I communicate with you? Where are you? You didn’t just die — there’s too much of you left on this earth, too many people that love you.” I wanted to read over and over that someone else knew how hard it is to go on every day searching for their lost love and praying for a normal that looks remotely like the normal that once filled me with such joy.

And I cried. I cried tears of gratitude that somewhere in the world, and probably a lot of places in the world, someone else gets what I’m going through. They know how folded socks, misplaced hammers, empty beds, jeans on a hook, batteries on charge, favourite pictures, scraps of paper with neat printing, a well used tool bag, a stunning sunrise, otters racing across the icy lake, a car sitting idle, unfinished bird houses, green rubber boots, carpenters pencils, a worn out cushion, the kindling bin, a windy day, the eerie silence as evening falls and so much more can be the catalyst for unrelenting sorrow.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 28, 2024

Small Talk, Big Talk, No Talk

My phone buzzed at the grocery check out this morning and when I glanced at it, there was the beautiful smiling face of my nephew’s two month old daughter. I was the only customer and I knew the cashier (small towns are like that) so I quickly held up my phone to her. We ooohed and aaahed over the baby’s cuteness and then chattered a bit before I left the store.

Driving home I wondered if that was what would be called Small Talk. It has been common for me to engage with people in all sorts of brief conversations about life and whatever is in front of us. A lot of this could easily be identified as Small Talk, just bits of information passed back and forth without any real ‘weight’ or even significance. I believe it connects us with each other and is a way to say “I see you” even if there is an element of superficiality to it.

I know people, and sometimes I am one of them, that abhors that kind of Small Talk. My introverted friends cringe when they are with me and I inquire about someone’s family member or check in for an update with someone I pass on my walk. Lately I’ve held back a lot more as I keep my thoughts and feelings inside.

So I let my mind wander as I thought about this morning’s conversation. It may look like Small Talk on the surface but in that moment it was actually Big Talk. The only way I can define Big Talk is when whatever it is touches deep into my heart. I’ve had a closer connection with this nephew for a few years now and since Doug’s passing, he has been consistent at reaching out to support me. We live many miles apart so seeing each other is not an option. Through the miracle of text messaging and occasional phone calls he brings me great joy, comfort and love. When I hear from him, I am uplifted and reminded that since we have a history, our roots are stronger than even the kindest of strangers.

So on days like today when I don’t want to talk to or talk at or any form of talk, this Small Talk became a very Big Talk for me. Just like the Grinch, my heart grew bigger and melted into a puddle of gratitude. And that’s what Big Talk does for me.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 27, 2024

Knowing Better Doesn’t Guarantee Doing Better

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou

I’ve heard this quote many times in a slightly different way. I decided to write this post because what I remembered was “When we know better, we do better.” and I was prepared to defend my argument against that. After all, knowing better doesn’t guarantee any of us will actually do better. There is plenty of evidence of us knowing better in all matters of life – health, education, relationships, business, politics, etc. – and sometimes we keep making the same poor choices over and over.

So because I’m a bit of a stickler for accuracy I looked up the quote and realized I’d been saying it wrong all these years (my apologies to my retreat women).

What I am certain of is that I know better on an intellectual level but my heart and emotions are loudly contradicting me. I know (and have been reminded often by well meaning friends and family) that there is so much for me to be grateful for and so many things have gone well for me since that sad day when my sweetheart Doug died. That’s obvious from the circling of family in the immediate aftermath, the quick sale of our beloved Sarnia getaway, the means to manage financially, the many people who have given of their time and energy, food and friendship to help me through these past few weeks (did I mention it has been 15 weeks?) and even the good weather making the six times I had to travel smoother.

And I know for sure that there are things I could be doing to make life easier – better nutrition, yoga/stretching, meditation, guided visualizations, more therapy/grief support, etc. I know these things and would recommend them to anyone else in a state of acute grief. At least, I think I would have in the past. Now I’m not so sure.

I told myself I would accept invitations so that I’m not spending time alone. Today I declined a visit with a beautiful young couple who desperately want to support me. There was no other reason than I was too consumed with my grief and stuck in self focus to believe it would be a pleasant experience for any of us. Even though I counsel people not to say no for others, I made the decision that it would not be fair to them. What I know in my head is that we would likely have had some conversation about my feelings and eventually switched to my getting much anticipated updates about their lives.

But even though I knew better I was hijacked by grief and the suffocating feeling that doing anything other than sobbing and feeling deep in despair was out of the question.

So to say that when we know better, we do better is to assume that all systems are aligned – body, mind, emotions and spirit. I’d like to think that’s what Ms. Angelou meant. That when we know better in a ‘whole person’ way, it is ‘natural’ that we do better. I’ve been astonished at how deep grief messes with me on every level and in raging ups and downs. The key of course is that we quiet the inner Saboteur and check our self-limiting baggage at the door.

Every single one of us has a myriad of opportunities every single day to make a choice to ‘do better’. It might be in how you speak about another person, what you leave unfinished, who you give your generosity to and when you pause. Your soul/spirit knows best so if the only thing you do today is to check in, that may be enough to sway your final decision.

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Posted in Conscious Thought, consciousness, Grief, Inspiration, Leadership, New perspectives, Personal Growth, Wellness | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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