Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 26, 2024

All of a Sudden

All of a sudden in the midst of learning and growth and writing wise words and making appointments, the earth shifted, and despair consumed me yet again. How could this be? I was feeling so good. I was making plans and getting things done, replying to messages and shredding old papers when suddenly I realized I hadn’t stopped eating for two hours. Like a wild animal I pulled food from the fridge and the cupboard and tried desperately to eat away the growing rage of my emotions without consciously seeing the pattern overtake me. Until it did. And then what?

And then the tears. The deep, heaving sobs of grief that make it hard to breathe and overwhelm me with exhaustion and anguish. And after long, long minutes of wailing I lapsed back into the familiar whimpering, a soft, quiet surrendering to the emptiness in my heart.

There is something about walking along a deserted road and allowing the sometimes faint and sometimes scary loud sounds of mourning to fill the space around me. No one to hide from. No one to answer to. No one to explain the huge tears gently rolling down my cheeks. No one to hear or see the pain etched on my face and heart. This is grief. Raw and honest without the filters so many of us use to protect others from our suffocating sadness and ourselves from whatever we are afraid of hearing from those who love and care about us.

It’s hard to believe that I can live in that ache a few times a day and still laugh at a text message, delight at my nephew’s pictures of his new baby or be fully absorbed in listening to my friend on our long walks. How is it that I can be completely and painfully overcome with suffering and longing for my beloved Doug and yet still take the garbage out, do laundry, wash the dishes, get dressed and bake cookies for my neighbours? How do any of us keep going when the odds seem so strongly against us surviving in the wilderness of loss?

I can only guess that some primal urge within me beckons me to keep going. Nothing in my busy, fearful, overloaded mind can compete with the inner guidance to keep moving towards the light even when I am certain that giving up is the best and only solution to find relief. And there is a light. I can say now that there has always been a light from those first darkest of days when I searched frantically everywhere for my sweet Doug hoping that what I knew was really just a bad dream. The light came from him in the little signals that told me he was watching and listening and praying for me to find the strength to live the life he so badly would have loved to have. And that brings another round of tears knowing he would love to walk with me at another time and place when his life wasn’t plagued with the illness he fought so hard to manage.

So here it is. The unmistakable reality of my journey of grief. There are moments in the day when I find the words to inspire others and bring my decades of teaching to the world. And there are moments in the same day, sometimes in the same breath, when I sink into the most forlorn of places, that ‘other’ place where hopeless and helpless wrap tightly around my fragile self, threatening to squeeze the life out of me. And still, all of a sudden, I am here facing forwards, backwards and inwards if only to be my own witness to what this experience will do to my otherwise organized life.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 25, 2024

The Unlikely Task of Goal Setting

A few days ago while reorganizing my book shelves I picked up Reflections in the Light by the renowned author Shakti Gawain. Shakti is best known for her work with creative visualization and this book offers Daily Thoughts and Affirmations. I decided to find the day and read what I hoped was an inspirational passage. March 22 was titled “Desire, belief, and acceptance.” The short paragraph read:

“Creative visualization will work successfully for you if you have the desire for, belief in, and acceptance of your goal. You must have a strong and true desire to have or create that which you have chosen. The more you believe in your chosen goal, the more able you will be to create it. And you must be willing to accept and have that which you are seeking. Together these three elements form a clear intention to manifest your dream.”

I took a few moments to reflect and wondered why I was guided (because I do believe we are guided on some level to these intersections) to read this passage. What I knew for sure was that I am not in a mindset to be setting goals. I have not worked since September of 2023 when Doug required my 24 hour caregiving. After he died in November I found myself adrift in a sea of uncertainty which still persists in some ways. How was I going to create or manifest a goal when I simply had not idea what goal I would want to pursue? And given my new short attention span, setting a goal could be futile. And then, this reminded me of the exercise in the TED* program I teach where you focus on your vision (goals are set to move you towards your vision) describing all the aspects of it so you can keep it alive in your mind and heart. I loved teaching this work and have done it on my own over and over again. Create a vision with a desired outcome, unattach and move towards it.

But now I was annoyed that the verse I’d randomly chosen seemed inappropriate for my circumstances. Until I paused (another TED* reminder) and considered that maybe this was exactly what I needed. And if it was, what could I possibly get from this lesson? The answer came sooner than I expected. Of course I could set a goal. The day ahead was just starting and I had things I wanted to accomplish. Nothing big but things I knew would either make me feel better or at least feel useful. I knew that typically my emotions were hijacked by surprise triggers so keeping it small and manageable would work in my favour. And then a light bulb went on. “Of course … Baby Steps” We talk about Baby Steps all the time in the TED* program, highlighting the significance of slowly building on a solid foundation as you keep an eye on your vision. I’ve done that unconsciously SO many times these past 19 weeks as I’ve kept myself moving through life under new and often challenging circumstances. I did little things as best I could and I have accomplished a lot. While some things look big to others each movement started with a Baby Step: “I’ll just make that phone call” or “I’ll let them know I need help.” and “I’ll ask if they know someone who wants this.”

So perhaps Shakti’s message was what I needed to remind myself that I haven’t lost touch with the work I so loved and have lived for over a decade. It warms my heart to know I am using what I’ve learned to help myself through this difficult time. And that’s what I have watched my incredible clients do in their own quests to reach their visions.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 24, 2024

Opening My Heart This Morning

This morning: https://youtu.be/z4HVPE-TC7E

Thank you to my dear friend Rod Miller for introducing me to this sacred song many years ago.

May we all feel open and blessed today. Daryl xo

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 22, 2024

Resilience vs Adaptability

The word resilience has been part of my vocabulary for years. I’ve used it with my coaching clients, in my women’s retreats and in organizations wanting to build healthy workplaces. The emphasis has always been on regaining our footing, forging ahead, getting through the tough times. There is a pull to get back to where we were and what worked.

The Oxford dictionary defines resilience as: “the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness, the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.”

Those are excellent life skills for dealing with the inevitable challenges we all face. We strive to ‘recover quickly’ so that we can keep moving forward in our lives for the sake of our health, careers and relationships. It is vital in the workplace where ups and downs can throw schedules off and demand that we regain control of situations.

In grief, there is no springing back into shape or recovering quickly. There is no ‘there’ to get back to. And maybe there isn’t for any of us. Maybe staring at the concept of resilience right now has opened my eyes to the reality that none of us can ever go back to what was or what we were because even for a few seconds of veering off track, we have changed.

In my retreats I had a blow up Bozo clown. I would demonstrate how he bounced back when he took a hit but only if he was fully pumped up – an analogy for having a solid foundation and self-confidence. And I believe that when our self-esteem is strong and we are spiritually and emotionally grounded we have the ability to ‘withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties’. That’s what resilience looks like.

I’ve been told by those who have walked this path before me that clearly I have withstood this extraordinary difficulty and that I will recover, albeit slowly, to some aspects of who I was. But I believe what I need more than resilience right now is adaptability. And maybe that’s what we all need in this world that asks us to pivot over and over again for every imaginable reason.

Adaptability is defined as ‘the quality of being able to adjust to new conditions.’ We all need that to survive and thrive. John C. Maxwell said “Change is inevitable, growth is optional.” Without realizing it, we all face changes every day from traffic, weather, relationships, challenges, etc. I surmise that most of us are more adaptable than we think we are which is a sign of growth. And when we aren’t and we feel triggered by changes it could be said that we feel negatively affected because we don’t accept what is.

So today I plan to be as adaptable as possible given that every aspect of my life has changed dramatically in just under 19 weeks. Am I surviving? So far, yes. Am I thriving? Well, that depends on the definition of thriving. Am I adapting? Yes … sometimes kicking and screaming my way through but I am just like everyone else on the planet trying to find a way through the maze of unpredictability.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 19, 2024

Using My Pass … Or Not

A long time friend surprised me with a visit when she drove up from the city for lunch. I was happy to see her even though I felt some anxiety as I often do these days when I don’t know how I’ll feel and what might trigger me. By the time we parted, I was in tears from being so annoyed with her that I hoped I wouldn’t see her again. It took a day for me to unravel what had happened.

I’m a master at reframing and feeling empathetic, accepting and compassionate towards others. It usually happens so quickly I hardly notice. I’ve worked on this for 30 years and believe in my heart that kindness isn’t just a physical act but a spiritual way to live. I strive for that in my daily life. Since Doug died in November I have been blessed with enormous kindness from others and my gratitude for the generous acts from family, friends and strangers touches me deeply. But I have noticed that it’s not as easy for me to be as magnanimous as before.

So here I was after my friend’s lunch visit judging her for how she showed up. She has recently adopted a new health and fitness routine that she loves and expanded on with a lot of detail. At one point she was so arrogant about her knowledge and ability that I couldn’t speak. She had all the answers to every problem and even though she was not acting on them, she was insistent that she knew exactly what to do. When she finally left I was exhausted and dismayed that I had endured what felt like a tirade. Ugh.

But even in my acute grief it didn’t take long for me to remind myself of the basic principles of Shadow Work: “Whatever you admire or despise in others is also within you. What you don’t own, owns you.” Ugh, ugh, ugh. And more tears. I knew that I had done the same thing as my friend over and over again when I was passionate about something and couldn’t contain or control my enthusiasm. I knew I had overridden other people’s opinions, suggestions and feedback when I had a strong sense of being right. I knew that, but I seemed to have forgotten it when I sat in unfair judgement of my friend. Ugh again. What happens when we do this is we stop listening to the other person and get into our own head. That’s what a Persecutor looks like on the DDT (Dreaded Drama Triangle) in the TED* work I teach.

Some of my closest grief supporters have told me often that while grieving I have a ‘pass’ because grief hijacks our sensibilities and thought processes so that we think and behave in ways that are unnatural to us. I agree and I know it is absolutely necessary to give myself a pass when I might otherwise jump to self-criticism. And lots of times those of us who are grieving deeply don’t care how we show up. We are doing the best we can to get out of our pajamas and brush our hair.

But I am too rooted in personal growth/conscious learning to not hear the whispers of reflection. At least I am now. Several weeks ago I doubt I had the capacity to let this awareness be heard. The reality is that I know too much and when you know, you are called from that inner wisdom to pay attention.

So, I’m paying attention and realizing that yes, I might have a pass, but I don’t want to let myself entirely off the hook to indulge in destructive, negative behaviour for the sake of my own wellbeing and the relationships I’m working to rebuild after months of living on the edge. I want to cling to that element of wisdom so I don’t completely lose myself in the wreckage of grief. I want it for me and for every one of the thoughtful people who walk with me even if only for a short time over lunch. They deserve the best I can give and while that best definitely looks different from hour to hour I remind myself that learning doesn’t stop even if grief hacks into my precious, grounded, wise operating system.

It’s too easy these days to blame someone or something for our discontent. That’s one of the first conversations Doug and I ever had and it rings true today for me. The Victim Role on the Drama Triangle is built on blaming and complaining. I have been victimized but I am also a survivor (a Creator in the TED* language).

At 18 weeks in I am grateful that my years of hard work learning and growing have caught me on this loop before I lose myself in Victimhood. At least this time I saw it and hopefully I will again and again. I’m thankful for Shadow Work and Coach Training and The Empowerment Dynamic. And so is my friend.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 10, 2024

No Fixing? No Saving? Really?

“Are you getting grief counseling?” “Yes, I reply.” The sigh on the end of the phone is audible followed by “Oh good.” I know what that means: “Oh good, someone who knows what to do is telling you what to do so you can move on and it won’t be so hard for me to be around you.” The relief is gratitude that someone else is taking responsibility for fixing me. It has all just become too much for many of those closest to me. I don’t seem to be getting ‘better’ and even when there is noticeable progress, there is surprise and frustration when I plunge back into mournful sobs and aching despair.

I get it. It’s hard to be around me sometimes. But no amount of grief counseling can ever replace the love and comfort I crave from family and friends and more than anything from my beloved Doug. He was my North Star, my safe place. If only these people who are left with the task of propping me up knew how to be with my grief. My grief is different from any grief they have experienced. It’s different from every other grief anyone has ever endured because even in similar circumstances I bring to it my own history, biology, perspectives, experience, life circumstances, relationships (with my dearest Doug and others), etc. How could anyone who loves me be expected to know what to do with my grief? Most of the time, I don’t know what to do with it either.

First up, it’s not a competition so telling me about someone else’s grief (your own, a relative, a friend, a neighbour, a co-worker, someone you met on a street corner or read about online) diminishes what I’m feeling and sometimes hints at shaming for being so distraught when “other people have it much worse.” Someday, I sincerely hope, I am able to expand my capacity to be of service to others again. Not yet.

People often tell me I am teaching others how to be with grief. I don’t want this job. It is exhausting on every level. I am a teacher by nature but I am living this and even though my life experiences have been woven into my coaching and training programs, this one is much more complicated and confusing. I realize now that I have very limited expertise in the area of grief. I didn’t know that before November 12, 2023.

There are long lists of ‘dos and don’ts’ when supporting a grieving person. It’s beyond me to list them all here but they are easily found online. Perhaps the most important one is to listen. I trained as a Life Coach and worked hard at learning to listen without attachment. I practiced and practiced because I come from a long line of problem solvers. My family and extended family are masters of figuring out what to do when something is broken. I’m blessed with countless fixers who have jobs that require these high level, intellectually stimulating talents. They are useless skills when someone is grieving. In fact, they can be very hurtful.

In his book A Hidden Wholeness, Parker Palmer, the renowned author describes his work with the Circle of Trust. I used the group criteria in my women’s retreats to ensure a safe space for everyone to be seen and heard. I’ve tried to follow these principle (occasionally achieving success) and now see how critical they are when someone grieving reaches out for support. In fact, I shared them with a friend yesterday who, in the most gentle and caring way, began to tell me what I ‘need to do’. I stopped him and quoted “no fixing, no saving, no advising and no setting straight.” Tearfully, I thanked him for this generosity of spirit and for being so willing to offer his wisdom to save me from the pain I was enduring. He was gracious in his acceptance of my feedback.

It took an inner strength I didn’t know I had to say out loud to him what I’ve been wishing I could say to dozens of people who have reached out so compassionately these past 17 weeks. But I did it because this relationship matters to me and I desperately needed to tell the truth. I was so worn down from having to explain my sadness to people who are just trying to get on with their own lives. And as much as we are close, this friend and I have enough distance that it’s safe to be honest. I didn’t risk losing those who ‘must’ help me through this, the ones who are stuck with me biologically or through marriage and have those closed door exasperated conversations about what to do with Daryl.

I didn’t choose this path of grief and my ‘people’ didn’t choose their role in being with me. Even though many of us love and care about someone in grief we rarely have the time and energy in our lives to commit to learning how to be the best supporter. That’s why there are valuable resources for grieving people because we know that almost exclusively no one close to us can give us what we need to survive these early days. And 17 weeks is early days. 17 months and 17 years will never erase the open wound in our hearts. The most we can hope for is a handful of people close to us willing to sign on and learn and grow with us. For them, and for me, it’s the drifting closer and pulling back that keeps us fumbling through this tough place we find ourselves. With the best intentions on both sides, it’s still not easy.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 9, 2024

A Mix of Sun and Cloud

When my son asked how I was doing the first answer that popped into my head was a weather forecast analogy, “A mix of sun and cloud.” Afterwards I thought of adding “with 50% chance of rain”.

The sun is the best part. It is him checking in, walking with a friend, hugs at the grocery store, a smooth move from the Sarnia cottage, Lake Huron glistening from shore to shore, and so much more. The sun times are the reminder that the sun was always there even on the days I couldn’t see it. The sun calls for something heart soothing like a long walk or curled up with a book on a comfy couch with the rays of light pouring in. Everyone seems in a better mood when the sun is out. It feels like hope and possibility and freedom. It feels as if we can start over, renew our commitments, let go of worry.

I love Clouds. I see Doug’s messages of love in long plumes just like the ones that filled the sky when we first decided to live in Tobermory full time.

But cloudy days can feel heavy. They make things feel dark and closed in. We slow down a bit and pull back from energetic activities. And everyone talks about it. Everyone comments on what a dull day or how much they miss the sun. People don’t smile as much on cloudy days. Clouds hide the wide open space and weigh us down with their tightly wrapped shades of grey. No one seems happy and excited for clouds.

So that mix of sun and cloud is what grief feels like right now. I am bouncing from the joy of finding just the right help to move stacks of wood to the sadness of looking for pictures to sell Doug’s beloved boat. My heart is lightened by my friend’s acceptance of a dinner invitation and game night for the two of us while I struggle to find room to store all Doug’s much loved hats. That’s what a mix of sun and cloud can look like in my life and honestly, in everyone’s life. We all face that mix of sun and cloud, joy and sadness, weak and strong.

And the 50% chance of rain? Yup. The sun can bring on just as many tears of gratitude as the clouds bring on the tears of despair. Either way, we keep going, all of us, whatever the forecast.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 7, 2024

Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power

Over two decades ago I walked my country roads with an old fashioned Walkman, listening to Caroline Myss talk about Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power. I loved it. It made sense. But, oh what a challenge to think about living in those principles. The idea that we could cultivate within ourselves the ability to hold onto our centre of gravity no matter what. That we could believe in our inner wisdom enough that we could be unshakable in what we do in our lives, how we relate to others and the way we fulfill our purpose and destiny in this lifetime.

I picked up what I could and ran with it. I did my best in the midst of punishing, negative self-beliefs that I had carried my whole life. It was a hard ship to turn around and having my beloved Doug at my side made it easier. He reflected back to me all the things I said I had learned but seemed to forget in daily life. I taught elements of this work in my Women’s Wisdom Retreats and periodically pulled out the cds to listen again for inspiration. And that’s what has happened as I’ve done long drives these past few weeks. Thankfully my car is old enough to still have a cd player!

Something that has stood out for me this time around has been how so much of our lives are driven by what we believe about ourselves. That’s not surprising to most of us but because I live and breathe this stuff I began taking a closer look at how my Self-Esteem was impacting my life. In particular I looked at the relationship fallout of my dear Doug’s death. I think I will scream at unrecognizable decibels if one more person says to me “everyone grieves differently”. If so, how can there be over 50,000 books on grief available to purchase? Yes, we all have our distinct characteristics around the grief experience because we are all human and carry our own baggage from our lives. Therefore, we won’t all act with the same empathy, compassion, consciousness, etc. that might be helpful or even respectful in grief situations. And for sure, there are undeniable similarities. But, I wondered, how is grief response connected to Self-Esteem. That’s where Caroline’s message took me.

Listening to Caroline I paused to think about a close relationship in my life that completely hijacks my Self-Esteem pretty much every single time. I might not have decided to explore this any further except that a dear friend has barraged me lately (with my permission) with her anger and frustration with a relative. The more I listened, the more I heard so much negative judgement. I teach Shadow Work so I turned the mirror on myself and voila. After all, right now I am looking at myself – my thoughts, actions and behaviours – with bewilderment as I walk through something I’ve never encountered before to this degree.

I’m judging, resentful, sad and disappointed with one (okay maybe a few) relationships that fell apart when Doug died. It ‘suddenly’ connected directly to my Self-Esteem. There are people who can say anything to me and I am not affected one iota. There are people who judge me and I get a little miffed and then give them the benefit of the doubt and accept that their perception is different than mine. And then there is this one person who shatters my self-worth by actions/non actions, words/no words. Even though I know without hesitation that I am a good person, doing my best, living with as much authenticity as possible, all of that evaporates. While I am in acute grief, I am way more sensitive than even my highly sensitive self can understand.

And my wanting it to be different doesn’t make it so. This morning I decided to get curious instead of reactive. I’ve tried in the past to run from this emotional drama but since it shows up repeatedly I know in my heart that there is an important lesson/opportunity for me. And when I took a deeper look, it came back to my Self-Esteem. It came back to me giving up my ‘fundamental power’ because of what I believed about myself based on what this person said and did. So why would I do that? Why would this person (and yes, a few others with less intensity) be eligible for the power I keep giving them/the relationship?

In so many ways, all the work I have ever done is related. In this case, my focus keeps going back to what I believe I did/said wrong, what I’ve been told I did/said wrong, what I know I did/say wrong. My focus is on my failures or perceived failures. In the TED* work I am my own Persecutor. The pathway forward is clear if I choose to take it on. As a Creator, shifting my focus back to what I know is my truth – that I am doing my best with what I have physically, emotionally, spiritually – will build my Self-Esteem.

The most significant lesson from Caroline’s work from my first introduction is as true today as it ever was. “You build Self-Esteem by honouring the commitments you make to yourself.” Whew. Just listen to your inner guidance and follow through. It’s that simple. And it’s easier than we think and still, I catch myself doing/saying something because I’m consciously or unconsciously afraid of the outcome. In TED* we know that holding a vision for what we want without attachment to the outcome keeps us moving in the direction we want to go. So If I want to build strong Self-Esteem to be able to hold my ground when I start losing my power to this person the time to start is not when the trigger comes, but now. Now when my level of awareness is at its peak.

Today, I’m honouring more of the commitments I’ve made to myself. I wonder what would happen if we all did that.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 3, 2024

The Man In The Arena

Speech at the Sorbonne
Paris, France
April 23, 1910
by Theodore Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Exactly what I needed to re-read today. Vulnerability is the pathway to connection. Thank you to Roosevelt and Brené Brown for reminding me of my voice.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 1, 2024

The TED* Rescuer Role. Again.

Today’s Blog on The Empowerment Dynamic* (TED*) website prompted me to jump in with my perspective on Rescuing. As a practitioner of the 3VQ/TED* program I teach people about the Rescuer role all the time. I know it well because I’ve worn that label my entire life. I’m SO much better at managing my impulse to Rescue because I’ve lived and breathed this work for over ten years.

In my corporate training programs when we talk about the Rescuer (and the other roles on the DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle) I can’t help including my experience with Shadow Work. I explain that there is a ‘light’ and ‘shadow’ side to everything. Therefore, there is a light side to being a Rescuer. What, I ask, is ‘What is the light side of being a Rescuer?” “When is it a ‘good’ thing?” I use the example that if someone falls in the parking lot I would hope that all the Rescuers would move into action to help. I wouldn’t want them pausing to check inside and question their motives. I wouldn’t want them worrying that they may be judged as a Rescuer overstepping their boundaries. What they do after they assess the situation is when they can move away from Rescuing into a more supportive role such as Coach, Creator or Challenger.

As grief came knocking on my door when my beloved Doug passed away in November I was absolutely in need of a Rescuer. The sudden sense of Victimization took my breath away and in spite of all I knew I became seriously helpless. We all feel like a Victim at times and it could be said that there are the ‘legitimate’ victims and then there are those clinging to what gets them the most power. For me, I have always been aware that my own default to the Victim role from my upbringing could put me at risk of succumbing to codependency. Without the cognitive skills that were overridden in grief I wasn’t capable of accessing this wisdom.

Besides feeling desperate for emotional, psychological and spiritual support I wanted/needed someone to take care of me. I couldn’t figure out how to plan or prepare meals, organize paperwork, get to appointments and do basic housekeeping. I was lucky. My sister has the same Rescuer genes and arrived within 24 hours. She spent two weeks handling all the details, rarely questioning my decisions or mindset. I will forever be grateful for her presence and full on ‘saving’ me from my own self-destruction and wellbeing.

But eventually, as in all Rescue situations, it was time to change the interaction before it became toxic. We had become very comfortable in our roles and even though the shifting away from the DDT was obviously needed and recognized by both of us, we still felt the resistance. She got a little more controlling and bossy with lots of advice and a hint of resentment. I cried more and avoided her and felt a hint of resentment. The patterns were obvious results of the Rescuer/Victim relationship with each becoming a Persecutor of the other. The DDT roles are seductive and there is a lot of currency in all three roles.

She left on good terms with me wondering how I would survive and her worried I wouldn’t. We have continued to work through the ups and downs of my new reality with many more weeks of support. We talked about the importance of being open and honest so we didn’t get trapped in the DDT. We are not perfect at this because, after all, I rescued her over and over again in our youth and later in life. We have a history, but we also have a deep commitment to authenticity and vulnerability in our relationship. Without the TED* guidelines we might never have known what was going on and might never have had the chance to recover from the drama we co-create.

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