Reading the email from my friend I was a bit startled by her abruptness. We hadn’t talked or seen each other for a while and I felt a swelling of judgement that she wasn’t her usual open, funny, jolly, warm self. My instincts went to withdrawal and censure until I took a breath, paused and got curious. There were SO many reasons why her message could be blunt and direct and the current stress of a pandemic was just one of them. I reminded myself that this was someone I really cared about and someone I knew cared about me. Communication is complicated enough without it often being done electronically which, in spite of dozens of ordinary and occasional really weird emojis, still doesn’t always convey our feelings. The Empowerment Dynamic* work teaches us to Assume Innocent Intent. To do otherwise can be both unfair and irresponsible. So I assumed she wrote with good intentions and then, I let it go. I took what I needed from her message and sent a kind response. No drama.
Within days, as if by some divine synchronicity, I received a message from a colleague in follow up to an email that I had sent. I read his kind words and scrolled down to my original message. That’s when the ICK showed up. What I’d written was a hasty, curt and somewhat cold message. Not my typical style … except when it is! (Thank you Dr. Seuss for brilliantly providing a framework for paradoxes). Shame set in like a damp, rolling fog nearly smothering me. As I began badgering myself it suddenly occurred to me that while I had been willing to show empathy and kindness to my friend for her email I wasn’t offering anything close to that for myself. Time for change.
What was super clear to me was that I expected perfection from myself. So .. I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and spoke loving thoughts to myself. The simple act of connecting with my inner world and all the characters that take up space in my head, is a sure way to pull myself away from self-negating.
I don’t always get it ‘right’ and I am willing to do my best to treat myself as well as I treat others.
Daryl Wood's Blog 
So true! Lifelong perfectionist trying to unlearn the negative self-talk.
I made a “big” mistake today and was beating myself over it. My colleague noticed that I was looking down and offered some kind words to myself. She also reminded me that I did the same thing to her a few weeks ago, reassuring her that she is awesome at what she does and mistakes happen to the best of us.
We really are our worst critics. After taking a breather, I felt reassured and then took time to find out what I wanted to do next – coming from an outcome orientation.
By: Jennifer Tran on June 22, 2021
at 8:21 pm
What a great reflection Jenn. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing with us.
By: Daryl Wood on June 22, 2021
at 9:10 pm