Daryl Wood's Blog

Even when I don’t think I have expectations, clearly I do. They are subtle and not always at the forefront of my thoughts but make no mistake: they are there. When I texted a close friend about how I was struggling with an ongoing issue her reply felt vague. She didn’t seem to understand that I had only brought this up because I was feeling sensitive and overwhelmed. Of course I didn’t spell that out in my message. I ‘expected’ that after decades of close friendship she would recognize my actions as a call for help. Or at least some empathy. Even an all out ‘you poor thing wailing’ might have felt better than the ‘better luck next time’ approach.

As I began to spiral into judgement I stopped myself. (That’s what we TED* coaches do). What was obvious was that I was disappointed because she hadn’t met my expectations. I’ve learned over the years that expectations set us up for disappointment; especially my old habit of expecting things of people who did not have the capacity to meet my needs.

Again, like a revolving door that never, ever seems to stop, I remembered that my feelings were directly as a result of my expectations and there was no one, outside of perhaps myself, to blame. And blaming myself was useless because this journey of learning is all about bumping into stuff and starting over. Or at least starting fresh when there’s nowhere else to go.

What is equally important to me is to give others grace when what I say or do triggers them. A recent quick message to an old friend sent off a firestorm of accusations. I couldn’t have known that our previous casual banter would now be seen as insensitive. Expectations and disappointments. We can put in the effort to resolve misunderstandings wherever we can and when it matters recognizing that others may not be in a place of longing for connection. Some people will let us go. We will let some go. Sometimes, we will find a way to love each other through our unmet expectations and resulting disappointments.