Daryl Wood's Blog

People have such big hearts and care so deeply. They mean what they say when they pledge “I’ll be there for you no matter what” or “Whatever you need, just ask” or “Call me anytime, day or night”. And they really do mean it. They are as sincere as they have ever been in the face of someone’s (in this case my) grief. They are almost desperate to help in any way they can. But they, and I, don’t know what that looks like so we are blindfolded going into this partnership of grieving and support. Me not knowing what to ask for and how to ask. They, thinking they could handle whatever I wanted or needed.

I fault no one for their reactions. It’s an understatement to say that I’ve had a wealth of support and offers continue from loving hearts. How could I or anyone around me ever know what these promises that we make will mean as the days and weeks drag on? Who could expect themselves to be able to hold that space for someone who seems to be in and out of a downward spiral of pain?

My gratitude is wide and everlasting for those who plunged into the fray and made these commitments without knowing what it would require of them. They got me here … the ten week mark. Now comes the time of reckoning. The collateral damage of grief is not just the people who disappeared early in the game but those who have now run out of capacity to fulfill the promises they made. I am being as gentle with them as I can in my own panic that I am once again feeling a loss. And it is another loss when I realize I’ve shared the most intimate details of my journey with someone who now has to look away for their own wellbeing. Boundaries can be a very hard line for the griever and caregiver. If we remember to do our own self-care we will be far more willing and able to love others through their heartache. How many times have we heard that said and yet it can’t be said enough when you are supporting someone in acute grief.

I’ve had many, many life lessons in my 69 years and this one is certainly the most intense and profoundly life altering. Life altering is a phrase we sometimes throw around until we face it and realize the depth and breadth of such a statement. Not much in my life looks the same and even when it does, there is a different energy and shape to the world I lived in before losing my Doug.

So what would I say to someone on the edge of a promise to a loved friend or relative? I don’t have all the answers because I’m far from an expert on this. Something that has been so helpful has been to know that I’m being thought of so when I heard from people, I knew I wasn’t alone. A heart emoji, xoxoxo in an email, a card in the mail were all ways I knew someone in the world was holding a light in the dark for me.

And for the promises we feel compelled to make, it might be easier on everyone to simply offer “I’ll do what I can when I think you need me or when you ask.” If the opportunity is there to bolster these words we can add, “I hope you will know that if I have to say no sometimes it is not a reflection on how much I love you. It’s me doing the best I can and that will look different at times.” This is a far better way to communicate than to abruptly withdraw once a promise has become a burden.