Daryl Wood's Blog

Many years ago a friend remarked that ‘faith and fear cannot co-exist’. I thought that was brilliant. If I had enough faith that whatever I was dealing with would somehow work out then it would not seem so scary. If I had faith that things where ‘meant to be’ and they were all ‘opportunities for growth and learning’ then I wouldn’t be so afraid to try new things. If I had faith that I could handle situations than I wouldn’t be so worried about facing difficult challenges. If I had faith, deep committed faith, then I could live with more inner peace. I believed these words, shared them with others and watched how they positively impacted my life.

Until today. In my anguish at once again facing the reality that my much loved husband Doug really did die in November I picked up a book on grieving to seek some solace to what felt like impossible odds. How would I ever survive the days and weeks and years ahead if I knew that I would have these hours, days and maybe even weeks of deep sobbing and despair? Where would I ever feel so loved and safe without his devotion to me? And why would I even want to choose to live when at a moment’s notice I could be suspended in a void of emptiness that held no meaning for me?

Somewhere in the midst of reading something surprising came over me. As the author (Megan Devine) talked about our culture of avoidance of feelings I realized that there was actually room for all feelings at the same time. That you/I could feel faith and fear at the same time. Just as we can be brave and afraid, anxious and calm, excited and disappointed, angry and grateful, etc.

We/I could have tremendous faith that we are held whole and fully by the Universe, a loving god, the spirit world, etc. and also be fearful that the grief we are carrying will paralyze us at any turn. I taught Shadow Work for decades and have witnessed the rolling continuum of the light and shadow to every thought, word and action. I know that there is a positive and negative energy to every feeling and emotion. I can see that clearly but I couldn’t see that having faith and fear simultaneously was even possible.

A Christmas card from my grandparents when I was very young had a verse by Helen Steiner Rice that said in part “Faith in things we cannot see requires a child’s simplicity.” The idea that without any evidence we simply have faith is appealing. No explanations needed. We just believe that somehow, someway we know. I do believe we have a built in system of faith when we are born and it only gets eroded through the influence of others.

And based on evidence so far, I have faith that I will be loved and supported through the process even though some days I don’t have the willingness to even reach out for help. And I can be solid in this faith and still be afraid of the darkness when it descends on me like a crushing wave.

So I am still learning whether I like it or not. I told my retreat women that as long as we are alive, we are learning even if it isn’t apparent or we don’t acknowledge it. That seems true for me as I hold both faith and fear in the cup of my hands.