Daryl Wood's Blog

On a regular Thursday night last month I was sitting on our porch swing with my laptop in front of an incredibly calm lake. And calm is how I was feeling inside along with a healthy dose of pride. It was a day that signaled another big step in my healing and what I noticed more than the decisions I made and actions I took is how I was reflecting.

I laid off my handyman who had been faithfully coming every Tuesday to help me get little and big jobs done. I decided I wanted to open my summer days to being more spontaneous and relaxed as I welcomed family and friends who have booked up my calendar. It was a hard decision and he was gracious in assuring me that he would come back anytime. I wanted to make sure we were still on good terms. Then I had a resourceful store owner repair a little power washer so I could do small clean up jobs myself. He is an excellent problem solver and I was thrilled that he would take the time to help me just as he had done for Doug in the past. I brought it home, figured out how to use the adjustable wrench to get the hose attached and then did a little spraying. It worked perfectly and I felt so good to be able to make this happen.

Right away I got on the phone and told the friend who has been guiding me through the power washing process. He was duly impressed and gave me more pointers. I then called one of my closest friends who picks me up when I stumble and she listened curiously. I texted another friend who knew I was trying to resolve this and I texted our daughter to give her some ‘good news’ for a change. And then in an effort to keep the momentum going I rode my bike to friends’ place and shared with them. Everyone acknowledged my success and confirmed that Doug would have been equally proud of me.

Riding back home I cried big tears. The truth was that I was desperate to hear Doug’s voice and words of praise and no matter how many people I told, it would never be enough. Only he would have known how much this meant to me to be able to handle something he would have taken for granted. Only he would have known what it took for me to ask for help (again) with something I felt so uncertain about.

The hard reality is that he isn’t here to give me a hug and celebrate my success with me. Somehow I would have to do it for myself. All the messages I shared in retreats about being our own champion, our own best friend, our own cheerleader, came rushing back to me. Did I mean it then? Of course. And I still do. I’m just fumbling my way from the abstract beliefs to concrete real life.

Maybe that’s what we all do. Maybe our core values and beliefs pop up at unexpected turns and we are confronted with a choice to think and act accordingly or slip into some pattern that challenges what we say is meaningful to us. Maybe this is what living consciously is all about – showing up with integrity.