Daryl Wood's Blog

My retreat women often heard me say ‘things always work out, always’. With almost three decades of consciousness studies, personal growth, spiritual learning I knew that inevitably things would work out and that they would work out for the highest good of everyone. Even when it didn’t at first make sense why something happened, eventually I saw the deeper meaning and the greater lessons.

And then this morning as I struggled to quiet my mind I realized that my faith was shaken to the core when Doug died. I worked tirelessly for six years to support his health and the last 12 weeks were so extreme. The physical and emotional toll was only bearable because I had strong faith that I was doing the right thing, fighting fiercely for his life. And in the end, it wasn’t enough. Things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to or the way I thought they would or should.

Now, and very pointedly today, after nearly 21 months of living this nightmare of loss I am asking myself how this could have been for my highest good. Things did work out and yet the way they have worked out continues to be so painful. I am encouraged by kind friends to find the gift of this experience. In my calmer, quiet, reflective moments I do that. Those moments are gentle and in stark contrast to the aching moments of ‘why’.

I would never want Doug to suffer the way he did in the end or during his five years on a feeding tube saddled with daily burdens.

And when I step back, I know that impermanence is real and acceptance of change is a pathway to peace.

And for all those beautiful souls who want me to find my way back to my faith and to help me heal I can only say that I live in both worlds now. One where leaning into my faith that this world is loving and purposeful and everything does work out for the highest good of all and one where crushing loss can still cast doubt on everything I believe.