Daryl Wood's Blog

Because I believe in Divine Synchronicity there could be no surprise (although it was jarring) that I received a deeply meaningful acknowledgement from a former retreat participant AND a reminder of a scathing rebuke from a family member on the same weekend!

While I sat in stunned awe for a few days over the beautiful recognition of the contribution I made in this young woman’s life fourteen years ago I decided to keep it ‘sacred’ to feel the intimacy of something that had also mattered to me. I replayed the video several times in both a little disbelief and a lot of needing to remember that I have made a difference.

It has been a struggle this spring as grief keeps jumping into my life in so many ways. I was a bit fragile so getting this recorded message was a gift to my hurting heart.

What I could not have foreseen was that in a matter of days I would be directed back to very hurtful remarks that diminished my sense of self very quickly. Suddenly, I plummeted to the depths of self-loathing that have been lurking throughout my 71 years. I am smart enough and schooled enough to know that there could be no coincidence even though, at the time, I didn’t even think of this. And when I did, it almost felt like the gods, the universe, whatever were ‘putting me in my place’. As in, don’t get too big for your britches and who do you think you are. Oh boy, these were old, old admonishments from my past. And they hurt. A lot.

Long ago I remember Wayne Dyer said that after a TV interview he received hundreds of letters. In particular, two were so contrasting he couldn’t resist. He said that he sent the one full of praise to the person who had sent the scathing one and vice versa. He wrote on each one ‘you might be right’. His message was clear – there is truth in everything, don’t get attached to anything and don’t believe everything that someone says about you.

It look a few hours and a good night’s sleep for me to shake loose from the shadow of the hurt. And it also opened me up yet again to the work of Tara Brach who I admire for her positions on Radical Acceptance among other things. To be able to accept in this moment the joy that I felt from the young woman’s kind, vulnerable and authentic reflection is a measure of my willingness to see the part of me that did what I did because I really cared. To also be able to accept the sadness that I felt about a situation that is still simmering for someone holding resentment is also a realization that I cannot control the narrative for others.

Holding both of these is important to me so that I can choose to live without attachment which is a basic Buddhist teaching and one well worth considering at this time in my life. I can be joyful and I will be and I am. I can let it heal the broken places in my heart. I can also be sad and disappointed when that’s what bubbles up. I don’t need to escape either feeling because for sure something will come along in my day that will shift me from one emotion, one feeling, one perspective to another. I’ll show up and welcome whatever comes along. Namaste.