Daryl Wood's Blog

Pema Chodron’s book, The Places That Scare You, has been in my library for over a decade and recently resurfaced as I reorganized my bookshelves. And there it was. The reminder of a line that has stuck with me even if only hovering in the background. “Never underestimate our inclination to bolt when we are hurt.” And I am good at bolting.

To stay with a feeling through to the end is an act of courage that we may overlook in our desire for a peaceful heart and mind. Why would we choose to sit in despair or anger or frustration? Who would want to court the harsh emotions of jealousy, fear or resentment? The positive thinkers of the world (and I can easily be one of them at times) encourage us to look away from those negative, squishy thoughts or feelings and choose something uplifting. It makes sense. Except when it doesn’t. And sometimes it doesn’t make sense to keep turning away from something that is part of the human experience.

I learned at a young age how to bolt and I think I have perfected it over the years. I’ve written about in my books and on my blogs and told the stories in workshops and retreats. I have also offered ways to slow down and ‘be with’ whatever comes up and remember clearly from my Hoffman Process my teachers saying “Whatever you are feeling is okay.” Okay wasn’t a place I wanted to be but when I felt I had no choice I realized I would survive the discomfort if I just kept breathing.

There is a line I heard from Debbie Ford at a Shadow Process training in San Diego many years ago. She said “What you don’t own, owns you.” You know when something owns you because an unsuspecting trigger comes along and the lid blows off of your well constructed box of unseeables. And so it is with the unwanted emotions that come up and wrap around me like a snake determined to wring the life out of me. When I relax (and don’t think for a minute that I’m doing this ALL the time) they become something to look at and learn from and their grip eases. Sometimes, not always, I don’t feel I need to bolt. Sometimes, and not always, they don’t seem so threatening when I look them directly in the eye and ask “Who are you and what have you come to teach me?”

Bolting has served me well since Doug died in November 2023. To endure the worst pain of my life I have leaned into whatever has softened the incredibly raw edges. I’ve eaten lots of chocolate and sugar and most things offered to me. I’ve read stacks of books, watched endless hours of inspirational videos, dove headfirst into one intriguing topic after another and searched endlessly for someone who could ‘fix’ this desperate aching in my heart. In the end, and it’s not the end yet, that means if only for today, my salvation might be realized by my willingness to slow down and accept the rise and fall of the waves of all emotions and feelings including the ones I might label as unwanted. I can recite positive affirmations until the blessed cows come home but without the fearlessness of a soul determined to show up with curiousity for life I will continue to long for a solution to what is clearly available with pure surrender in every breath I take.