Daryl Wood's Blog

I wrote my last post and ventured into the kitchen to make my breakfast. Coming back to my cosy spot with my cup of lemon and bowl of yogurt I began to cry. I miss Doug being here. I’m longing to hear his slippers scuffing along the floor and the smell of his much loved coffee and his voice saying good morning to me. I miss his energy and his physical presence so much. And then the chiding began.

“You are so lucky to live here and not have to go to work somewhere today and why don’t you clean the windows and you should be taking better care of the property and you need to vacuum this great room and clean the bathroom and go online to apply for he dental benefit and finish crocheting that baby blanket and make the appointment with the investment consultant when are you going to finally clean the carpets and don’t write another blog because you just published one and that’s not how you do it.”

And on and on and on the tirade goes. Finish what you started. Get busy. Do things. Get things done. The bitter, accusatory voice in my head is familiar and shows such disdain for my lack of motivation even when I am talking about the value of a pause. I was willing to drop everything yesterday to ride my bike 35 km and explore incredible rock faces on the Niagara Escarpment that moved my soul in the most profound ways but I can’t find the ambition to pick up a vacuum. What’s wrong with me?

There is an old message about perfection here and I am acutely aware of how it can override my rational thinking and steal my moments of joy. I was ‘in’ the monarch experience as I wrote about it. I could feel her little feet walking around my palm. I smiled remembering her short flight from my hand. And there are no words to describe the beauty of what I saw yesterday walking into the forest under the soaring, sheer cliffs of rock.

So a door was left ajar and in walked shame. wagging her ‘you’re not good enough’ finger. I am hearing her ranting and reminding her that I am the most perfect, imperfect version of me that there has ever been and ever will be. The biggest blessing is how much I know I am loved for being just that. Amen and thank you inner critic for nudging me to pause and remember that!