Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 27, 2024

Knowing Better Doesn’t Guarantee Doing Better

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou

I’ve heard this quote many times in a slightly different way. I decided to write this post because what I remembered was “When we know better, we do better.” and I was prepared to defend my argument against that. After all, knowing better doesn’t guarantee any of us will actually do better. There is plenty of evidence of us knowing better in all matters of life – health, education, relationships, business, politics, etc. – and sometimes we keep making the same poor choices over and over.

So because I’m a bit of a stickler for accuracy I looked up the quote and realized I’d been saying it wrong all these years (my apologies to my retreat women).

What I am certain of is that I know better on an intellectual level but my heart and emotions are loudly contradicting me. I know (and have been reminded often by well meaning friends and family) that there is so much for me to be grateful for and so many things have gone well for me since that sad day when my sweetheart Doug died. That’s obvious from the circling of family in the immediate aftermath, the quick sale of our beloved Sarnia getaway, the means to manage financially, the many people who have given of their time and energy, food and friendship to help me through these past few weeks (did I mention it has been 15 weeks?) and even the good weather making the six times I had to travel smoother.

And I know for sure that there are things I could be doing to make life easier – better nutrition, yoga/stretching, meditation, guided visualizations, more therapy/grief support, etc. I know these things and would recommend them to anyone else in a state of acute grief. At least, I think I would have in the past. Now I’m not so sure.

I told myself I would accept invitations so that I’m not spending time alone. Today I declined a visit with a beautiful young couple who desperately want to support me. There was no other reason than I was too consumed with my grief and stuck in self focus to believe it would be a pleasant experience for any of us. Even though I counsel people not to say no for others, I made the decision that it would not be fair to them. What I know in my head is that we would likely have had some conversation about my feelings and eventually switched to my getting much anticipated updates about their lives.

But even though I knew better I was hijacked by grief and the suffocating feeling that doing anything other than sobbing and feeling deep in despair was out of the question.

So to say that when we know better, we do better is to assume that all systems are aligned – body, mind, emotions and spirit. I’d like to think that’s what Ms. Angelou meant. That when we know better in a ‘whole person’ way, it is ‘natural’ that we do better. I’ve been astonished at how deep grief messes with me on every level and in raging ups and downs. The key of course is that we quiet the inner Saboteur and check our self-limiting baggage at the door.

Every single one of us has a myriad of opportunities every single day to make a choice to ‘do better’. It might be in how you speak about another person, what you leave unfinished, who you give your generosity to and when you pause. Your soul/spirit knows best so if the only thing you do today is to check in, that may be enough to sway your final decision.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 26, 2024

When You Can’t Look Away

Over the years I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive, that I can sympathize with the plight of others too easily. That may be true as I often see past human ‘misbehaviours’ to the fragile underlying in all of us that is a defense to a scary world. But I still feel the initial bruising of my spirit when an injustice is played out on the world stage or in my own circle of connection. It can be super hard not to feel empathy or compassion when there is SO much trauma and despair wherever we look. And it’s hard to look away when big events like war, criminal activity, pandemics and assaults on humanity surround us.

So many times I have read about or seen images or met someone suffering and told myself that I am the lucky one who can look away. I can be fully immersed in a documentary or news report and feel such sadness for the people whose lives have been upended in the most tragic circumstances. And then, I can look away. I don’t have to live with the crushing loss or imminent danger that is on display through every form of media. I can turn off the sources and go about my daily routine giving a little to each of the causes that strike at my heart or filling up my life with whatever is in front of me.

Close to home I see and hear the anguish of friends who have lost an adult child, relatives tormented by infertility, people barely able to pay for food and others oppressed by loneliness. I do the best I can to love and support them but I know what I do is unsustainable. I can no more be a full time reservoir of hope and championship to them than anyone can be that for me in these days of my acute grief.

Perhaps it is safer this way so that I and others like me don’t crumble under the weight of compassion fatigue. Burnout from witnessing so much hurt is unhealthy at the very least. So I remind myself that those who love me have and will step in to offer what they can but ultimately they will need to look away to replenish their own wellbeing. Even I, in the tiniest of ways can look away when someone in the grocery store tells me a deer hit their car and totalled it. For that brief time they tell me what happened I have looked away from my own grief.

It may not be for long because I will never be able to completely look away. My sweet Doug has his fingerprints all over my life. There are people everyone … you included … who may be grappling with severe or even life altering conditions that simply can’t be looked away from. So when you meet someone who is clearly grieving take a few extra minutes to listen and hold sacred space for them. That might be all they need to get them through until to the next time they can look away.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 25, 2024

The Day I Gave My Power Over to Little White Crew Socks

It hadn’t been such a bad morning. Even though I was a little overwhelmed by the disorganization of my home I was intent on making the most of my time. I sent a thank you text to friends I’d visited the day before, sent another text to a friend struggling with her husband’s treatment plan, mailed a thank you card to a widow ‘buddy’ and dropped off a sympathy card to someone who lost a loved one. A great start to the day. I arrived at the grocery store when it opened and before I finished my quick shopping I’d had two conversations that involved me listening carefully to someone’s current life challenge. Still felt good and home to start a project.

The project? Moving my socks to their place in another dresser drawer. I have too many socks so I began setting them up in categories and that’s when it happened. Under the pile of thick, black winter socks was a small stack of little white crew socks. I caught my breath. They were folded neatly in the signature way that my husband Doug folded socks (he had a unique way for all laundry). I could barely touch them knowing that he had folded them and would have set them aside for me to put in the drawer. The tears were instant and the next few hours became a test of my will to grieve and function. I sent a note to my buddy wondering how three pairs of little white crew socks could have so much power over me. Her reply “that’s grief for ya” confirmed what I knew but didn’t give me an answer to how to cope. And then I realized that I didn’t need to cope. I just needed to ‘be with’ the feelings.

As if I needed to be reminded that we live at a time when feeling anything ‘bad’ is a call to arms for solutions – and the sooner the better. We have access to a myriad of ways to overcome discomfort when most of the time being with the discomfort is what is needed most. It allows the feelings to process through our bodies, minds and spirits just as joy and elation need space to ignite our systems. It is true that what we resist, persists. By being ‘with’ our feelings we get to witness our capacity to feel a full range of emotions without dying from the happiness OR anguish. We get to feel the healing, learn from the triggers, assess our strengths and weaknesses. How would we ever know this about ourselves if we were never tested? And grief offers one of life’s biggest examinations. One I sincerely wish I didn’t have to face. But in the end, we all do.

And so I walked. A lot. Not to hide from or avoid the feelings but to talk out loud in the frigid air and brilliant sunshine. I wanted to hear myself say out loud what hurt so bad. I’ve always processed better out loud and Doug was often my witness. Today the only witnesses were random wildlife and the ongoing conversations I have with my patient husband in his spirit form.

What was clear was that there’s no need to take my power back from the little white crew socks. In fact, they are safely stored in a corner of the drawer where I can look at them once in a while and cry or smile, neither being the right or wrong way to react. Allowing ourselves to feel all of our feelings is only an abstract idea until we make it an act of intention. And everyone has little white crew socks somewhere in their life.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 24, 2024

A New Way of Looking at Faith and Fear

Many years ago a friend remarked that ‘faith and fear cannot co-exist’. I thought that was brilliant. If I had enough faith that whatever I was dealing with would somehow work out then it would not seem so scary. If I had faith that things where ‘meant to be’ and they were all ‘opportunities for growth and learning’ then I wouldn’t be so afraid to try new things. If I had faith that I could handle situations than I wouldn’t be so worried about facing difficult challenges. If I had faith, deep committed faith, then I could live with more inner peace. I believed these words, shared them with others and watched how they positively impacted my life.

Until today. In my anguish at once again facing the reality that my much loved husband Doug really did die in November I picked up a book on grieving to seek some solace to what felt like impossible odds. How would I ever survive the days and weeks and years ahead if I knew that I would have these hours, days and maybe even weeks of deep sobbing and despair? Where would I ever feel so loved and safe without his devotion to me? And why would I even want to choose to live when at a moment’s notice I could be suspended in a void of emptiness that held no meaning for me?

Somewhere in the midst of reading something surprising came over me. As the author (Megan Devine) talked about our culture of avoidance of feelings I realized that there was actually room for all feelings at the same time. That you/I could feel faith and fear at the same time. Just as we can be brave and afraid, anxious and calm, excited and disappointed, angry and grateful, etc.

We/I could have tremendous faith that we are held whole and fully by the Universe, a loving god, the spirit world, etc. and also be fearful that the grief we are carrying will paralyze us at any turn. I taught Shadow Work for decades and have witnessed the rolling continuum of the light and shadow to every thought, word and action. I know that there is a positive and negative energy to every feeling and emotion. I can see that clearly but I couldn’t see that having faith and fear simultaneously was even possible.

A Christmas card from my grandparents when I was very young had a verse by Helen Steiner Rice that said in part “Faith in things we cannot see requires a child’s simplicity.” The idea that without any evidence we simply have faith is appealing. No explanations needed. We just believe that somehow, someway we know. I do believe we have a built in system of faith when we are born and it only gets eroded through the influence of others.

And based on evidence so far, I have faith that I will be loved and supported through the process even though some days I don’t have the willingness to even reach out for help. And I can be solid in this faith and still be afraid of the darkness when it descends on me like a crushing wave.

So I am still learning whether I like it or not. I told my retreat women that as long as we are alive, we are learning even if it isn’t apparent or we don’t acknowledge it. That seems true for me as I hold both faith and fear in the cup of my hands.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 13, 2024

When Empathy Took Over

Every other day or so I take a quick look at the local obituaries. We are a small town and I want to know if someone goes missing from our community. I would never do this in a city but pretty much every listing has a familiar ring to it. Saturday morning was particularly surprising.

Two weeks ago I met an acquaintance in town and we had not seen each other since my sweet Doug died in November. Of course I sobbed out loud in the grocery store (they are used to that) and she hugged me with great compassion. We talked about Doug and I caught up on her husband’s failing health. We agreed I would drop in for a visit in the future.

Saturday morning I read that her husband had died suddenly at home two days earlier. It was jolting and I knew what I needed to do. After finishing some tasks I went to town and bought flowers and cookies and drove to her home. She was alone with her son and grandson in the back room busy and when she laid eyes on me she said “I’ve been thinking about you ever since this happened.” We had a long tearful embrace and then settled into chairs to talk.

And then it happened. My heart opened to my instinct to care and all my training as a coach to listen came to the forefront. I’ve been so immersed in my own grief that I haven’t had much room to be ‘with’ other people in celebration or despair. Saturday morning it was effortless. I listened as she shared the experience of finding him and the history of their 63 year marriage and back to the trauma of his passing and then to happy events. She jumped around their lives together and laughed and cried through the telling and retellling of her loss. And I listened. I listened because I knew she needed that more than anything I could have said. We both knew I was a few steps further down the path from her and she referenced that off and on. And I knew that this was her path and it might/would look very different from mine. Without hesitation I gave her the opportunity to say and do whatever she needed in that moment and that included hugs and listening without judgement. I think of something I told the women at my retreats when we first gathered together and I paraphrased Parker Palmer: “No fixing, no saving, no advising, no setting straight”. Just be a vessel of loving kindness to hold space for others.

I came away giving in to my own sobs of grief but also cried for the courage and strength I’d had to give her what she needed. It feels like a step forward and also reminds me of something Sheryl Sandberg mentions in her book Option B about the death of her husband. It was a way that I ‘took back’ something from my life before widowhood, something I was proud of being able to do for others.

I’m realistic enough to know that I won’t always be able to do this and now I have evidence that in the midst of my own suffering I can give to others with genuine love and empathy.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 12, 2024

No Second Shift

When Doug and I would tackle projects and I resisted he would say ‘There’s no second shift. We have to get it done.’ For him, that was the bottom line. There was no point in waiting for someone to come along and finish the job. This came from his years managing a team in a factory. Sometimes a job would be thought to take too long so they would leave it for the ‘second shift’. The second shift came in and got it done. But when he retired and there was no longer a second shift, he got things done himself.

I’m facing that now as I realize how many times I ‘left’ things for him to do or finish. We had a good working relationship of knowing how to make the best use of our strengths and work interdependently. And still, he was my ‘second shift’ in so many ways. I I have been reminded by many single friends that they have not had a ‘second shift’ for sometimes decades if ever. They are a little baffled because I’ve always seemed so capable and resourceful. Well, I still am. I just didn’t have to take responsibility for everything which is pretty common in a partnership.

I teach The Empowerment Dynamic* *TED*) and the similarities are eerie. When we feel victimized … and oh boy can a grieving widow like me ever feel more victimized than when they lose the love of their life … we pray for a Rescuer to save us from the terrible circumstances we face. And how many jobs that we would never have given a thought to do we now have to handle by ourselves?

How many times have I had to pick myself up and do something I didn’t want to because my ‘second shift’ was gone? And more importantly, how many times in the past did I push something off to my willing husband when I could have easily taken responsibility and finished something?

I am still in an acute state of grieving so I am being very compassionate towards myself as I sit back in amazement at how much learning I gave up because someone else was willing to do things for me. Not that Doug was always rescuing me. We both have the Rescuer gene so it played out at various times. What I’m learning now is that the strength of the Creator Role in TED* has already helped me prove myself capable of doing things I wouldn’t have thought about. Things like changing the trickle charger on the batteries stored for winter, splitting wood for kindling, learning to hook up the utility trailer, and putting salt in the water softener.

Rather than ask helpful neighbours to do lots of little jobs for me I’m pretty sure Doug is pleased that I’m taking on his ‘second shift’ role. And I kinda am too.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 12, 2024

I Shall Not Pass This Way Again

“I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” Stephen Grellet, Quaker Missionary

March 25, 1995 I was in Victoria B.C. with my first mother-in-law to celebrate her mother’s 100th birthday. It was a grand occasion and Grama Wardle loved the attention. As the party wound down I was tasked with taking her back to her room in the senior’s residence. She caught my arm and said “Wait. I have to thank everyone.” I gently reminded her that she had already done that and referenced some of the people she had particularly mentioned. Without skipping a beat, she recited the above verse. It was a holy moment.

Grama still had all of her faculties even though she was a bit forgetful. To be able to speak so eloquently in the excitement of the day really touched me. And what was more significant was the message. I came home, researched it, printed it and it has hung on my office all ever since.

The idea that we might live our lives doing one good thing or showing a kindness to any creature is such a statement of service in a world longing for love to spread. I’ve walked past that frame so many times and not given it a glance. Today was different.

Today I was remembering the abundant kindness that has been extended to me since the loss of my beloved husband Doug. Family and friends and complete strangers have offered compassion and comfort. I suspect that many of them don’t know what a lasting impact they had on me since our interactions were brief. But I remember.

The security guard at the hospital who pushed Doug in a wheelchair around the caution tape so that I could park the car. The receptionist at our clinic who lightly patted my shoulder as I walked past. The Canadian Tire employee who offered a warm hug when I entered in tears. And the lab technician who took time to answer Doug’s questions in the middle of a busy day. The list is long and I may never have the chance to thank each person directly. They didn’t give for reward. They followed their heart. They may not have even considered ‘deferring or neglecting’ but no matter what the future brings we will never pass that way again.

If you don’t already know what you are capable of when you meet/pass a complete stranger please think of the gratitude that is in my heart and do what you can. Someone, somewhere is going to carry a memory of your willingness to be kind.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 11, 2024

Waiting Without Anxiety

Many years ago I purchased the book A Course In Miracles (ACIM). I’d heard about it from many friends and read Marianne Williamson’s summary in A Return To Love. I only got through 25 pages when I realized this was a tougher read requiring more focus. What was a blessing is that I started hearing quotes from the book in other material. (That’s the law of attraction and confirmation bias at work!)

Wayne Dyer quoted from ACIM “Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait, and to wait without anxiety.” I loved that because I have a worn out childhood story about waiting and have forever told people I am not a good waiter. As is the case with all life lessons, the more I said it, the more times I was forced to wait. In the TED* work, we call this the space of Dynamic Tension. My training had taught me that taking small Baby Steps while I focused on my desired outcome I would keep building my resilience and move closer to my vision. Unfortunately, I had a historical habit of feeling the discomfort and sometimes painful emotions of waiting and would jump wildly around trying to either fix, eliminate or build on the negativity. That never worked out well for me or the others around me who had to endure my angst.

During my beloved Doug’s medical treatments I faced a mountain of waiting. It felt like being in our small boat under the looming rock of the Niagara Escarpment on Georgian Bay. How would I ever scale that rugged coastline? How would I ever endure hours of hospital and clinic waiting rooms? How would I wait for test results, next appointments and most importantly good results?

I’ve heard it said that it’s what you do while you wait that is the key. And that, my friends, is exactly what ACIM is saying and what I knew with certainty from my TED* training. Waiting without anxiety.

I am such a lover of quotes (my own and from others) and on this topic people hear me saying “Everything works out. Everything. Maybe not the way you want it to but everything does eventually work out.” And one of my friends’ favourites “Well, if worrying about it would help I’ll come right over and worry with you.”

Thankfully I am much better at waiting because I use the tools I have to navigate. I do breathing exercises, change my thoughts, journal, walk, sing, do some chore that’s quick and satisfying, etc. I’m not perfect at this. For example, as I wait for a much anticipated call later this morning I am doing most of the things I know help me. Yes, I did send off a brief text to my sister so now she can be engaged in the dance of worry with me if she chooses. That’s my one concession this morning to the old way of dealing with waiting and ‘outing’ myself here is the best way to remember to use the wisdom I have instead of having a fear response.

Am I certain of the outcome? No, not at all. What I am certain of is that no matter what the outcome is, I can and will handle it. Now that is empowerment!

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 7, 2024

WWDD

Years ago my niece wore a bracelet with the letters WWJD. It was a reminder when she was making decisions to ask “What Would Jesus Do?” I was impressed that she wanted to keep herself in a mindset that fit here beliefs and gave her a way to hold herself accountable.

Every person I meet tells me what a nice guy Doug was. No one believed he was 80 years old. All through his head/neck cancer journey he kept going, on to the next thing, pushing through, doing what he could. Since his passing I have thought about his legacy and how I would honour him. Well, on my long walk in the sunshine on the quiet country road today as I pondered a big decision I heard myself say out loud, “What Would Doug Do?”

The answer is easy because I watched him face adversity over the years with an attitude of resolve. And the past six years only slowed him down but didn’t stop him. The last six weeks of his life were nearly unbearable but until the end, he got up and went for treatment until his body said no. In the early days he would have radiation and chemo and sleep it off or rest. Then I’d find him in the backyard with a chop saw cutting wood for trim.

The day after finding out his blood was in trouble he put on a face mask and dove 8 feet to the lake bottom to repair a mooring anchor. He just kept picking himself back up and taking on the next thing.

I’m being gentle with myself as I reflect on the raw and limiting grief I have endured and how I have handled it. And I also realize that I have been in some small way doing what Doug did. I am getting things done. Paperwork. Appointments. All the stuff that needs to be taken care of. Just like Doug did. I imagine I learned this by watching him. Every day from the beginning of his treatments he got up, showered, dressed fully for the day. He could have lounged in pajamas and no one would have judged that as wrong. But it mattered to him so he kept up his routine.

Tomorrow I have a long dental appointment that I’ve been dreading. Now I’m asking myself what did Doug do in the days leading up to his four throat surgeries. He did what he had to do and showed up usually with a little joke for the nursing staff or a teasing comment to me.

What set him apart was that he rarely complained. He didn’t think it would help so why bother. I’m not chastising myself for the frequent outbursts of sobs or wailing that I do. This is big grief and as long as I am gradually taking steps forward I will remember that when I’m stuck, asking What Would Doug Do is probably the best thing for me to help me find my way through.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 7, 2024

When Grief and TED* Collide

For over ten years I have shared TED* with my coaching clients and the women who came to my retreats. It has been and still is such powerful work for helping people to see themselves and their world in a new and meaningful way. And it blended beautifully with the Shadow Work and Perspectives Program I was already teaching.

Over the years I lived more and more into the principles of TED* and put the effort in to become a TED*/3VQ practitioner. Soon I found myself in corporate settings giving organizations the opportunity to shift their culture in positive ways. It was gratifying work both corporately and with individual clients.

While it wasn’t always easy, I consciously used these skills as my husband Doug navigated a difficult journey with head/neck cancer in 2017. After the initial feelings of being Victimized, we knew we had to find a way to not just survive but to thrive. We managed relationships, our own and with others, and tested our resilience through the medical system for six years. We both leaned into being Creators as we approached the challenges. I had to wrestle with my inherent need to Rescue. Persecutors popped up everywhere and we found a way to hold ourselves as capable and resourceful no matter what.

And then after celebrating a special anniversary with loved family on August 31st 2023 we got news that Doug had MDS leukemia. The prognosis was grim, and we knew we would face this with the same determination and ingenuity that we had in the past. What we didn’t know was that this was a formidable foe that would tear apart our lives. We tried hard until there was no trying left. Doug passed away November 12th. His two months of suffering were over and mine began.

Every time I had taught TED* I reinforced with people that there is a grieving process after every encounter with the Victim Role. It may be a few seconds when you drop a plate; or a few days when you have to rearrange flights; or even a few weeks when you have to adjust to a job change. There is always a time, whether we acknowledge it or not, that we mourn what we have lost. And so it was that I fell deeply into grieving and stayed there for weeks. And who could blame me? We had a once-in-a-lifetime love and were so bound by the 25 years of devotion. The people around me had never seen me so weak and vulnerable. I said and did things that seemed irrational and was blessed with loving support from family and friends.

And every now and then I wondered how I could be so helpless when I had the best tools ever to recover? TED* and 3VQ had been a centering force for getting through the ups and downs of life. In the suffocating weeks after his death, I barely thought of TED*. Trying to keep breathing and doing what needed to be done was all I could manage.

And when I did start to have space in my life for anything else I remembered the dozens of times I had sat with someone at a retreat and asked them “What do you know about yourself now that you couldn’t have known if this had never happened?” And the best TED* question I ever ask (or some version of it) is “Given that this is your current reality and I know you don’t like it and since we can’t change it, how will you be with this?”

How will I be with this? Good question.

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