Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 20, 2024

100% Successful

At a rare lunch out last week my friend remarked that so far I am 100% successful at getting through the tough days. I have said that same thing to others but when she said it to me, it felt a wee bit heavy. Heavy because I knew that some of those days felt impossible to manage at the time. And other days were still very hard with only little bits of what I think was joy in them.

What this reminded me of was how often I/we default to negative thoughts. When the forecast is for 40% chance of rain we tend to overlook the fact that it means 60% chance of NO RAIN. Whoever says that? We always talk about the 40%, 50%, 60% chance of whatever. Where I live on Lake Huron it is so unpredictable that any percentage is usually a wild guess. How might we go about our day if we focused on the positive potential instead of being dragged down by the negative ‘what ifs’?

So noticing that I have achieved a 100% mark is actually pretty phenomenal considering how many days I wanted out of this nightmare. When I look closer, besides surviving what will be 10 weeks tomorrow I have also accomplished a lot. All the leftover food boxes and medical supplies have been donated. Excess furnishings needed for support are gone. Endless streams of paperwork has been completed and new systems in place for everyday functioning. My sewing machine has been revived and I am almost adept at moving the trickle charger between batteries once a week.

Success looks so different now and small incremental movements are being celebrated. I wonder if having my world shrink so drastically has given me an opportunity to consider what success will mean to me in the future. When we are busy with our daily lives it’s easy to keep the momentum going without giving a second look at what all that busyness is about. I would much rather have had an easier pathway to pausing but this is what I got. Would I have slowed down long enough to consider the possibilities if it weren’t such a dramatic change? Would any of us?

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 18, 2024

I Almost Missed It

There was this moment in the midst of yesterday’s sobs when I picked up my journal and began to write to Doug and whoever else might be listening (including myself). As I wailed through tears about the constant, rolling memories that hurt my heart, a little message touched my mind and I almost missed it. There was no voice and it seemed more like a concept or question related to any number of teachers I’ve followed in my thirty years of consciousness and personal growth.

It felt, more than sounded, like this “What if all those little reminders of Doug are not random but rather his way of reaching out to you to remind you of his love?” I almost missed it because I was intent on pouring my pain onto the pages. But it was too intriguing to ignore. So I sat with the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could look at these instances that I call triggers and see them as gifts. Ooooooooh. (Please pause and read that again. I had to)

I’ve reread that paragraph several times. In the moment and every moment since then this feels like a truth. I am good at imagining and visualizing but what I am certain of is that I didn’t and couldn’t in my deep grief have come up with this. At least not in the middle of such angst.

Seeds have been planted for weeks by friends and resources I have tapped into. Now, they have come together to give me a new perspective, a different approach, a shift in mindset. All things I have taught through my retreats and workshops for more than two decades. Sometimes the teacher is reminded in the most impossible ways of what they teach. I am now the student (again) and noticing the impact of this new thought on my body, mind, emotions and spirit.

I wonder if it is too soon to write about this since it isn’t yet 24 hours since I had that awareness. But writing is what I do when I need to solidify something in my mind, to bring it in to my reality to be understood or analyzed or accepted or not. So here it is. Perhaps that infinitesimal light I see in the distance is love coming to greet me. Perhaps.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 16, 2024

Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue is real. I remember hearing about this years ago and understood that I was feeling that way after many consecutive retreats hearing and holding space for those revealing their pain. I don’t remember how I dealt with it but since a new group of women showed up each time I was not in long term relationships with most of my participants.

And when I consider traumas in the lives of my family and friends I know I learned how to set boundaries and for the most part take care of myself. I think I managed fairly well which is why I am so aware of what is happening to my inner circle, the people I’ve been relying on to hear my grief out loud for many weeks. And in the small community I live in where just about everyone has cried or hugged with me in the past many weeks. Having experienced my own version of compassion fatigue I am not surprised at some of the responses even if these people don’t recognize what they are doing.

Some have distanced themselves and don’t check in as often as they did. Some keep the conversations short. Some are making frequent recommendations about what I ‘should’ or ‘could’ be doing. Some want to talk about politics, the weather, their annoying neighbour or just about anything other than how I’m doing. Some have a ‘tightness’ in their voice that signals (are we still talking about this?) And some have disappeared.

I get it. It’s hard to ‘be’ with deep, woeful grief. I can barely handle it myself. These changes feel like the collateral losses that accompany grief. Since most of us are unprepared and/or unskilled at how to be with grief it’s no wonder that their compassion for me is waning. And it’s no wonder I feel the loss over again.

There is no room for judgement from me even if in my moments of despair I feel resentful. I’ve learned that the best antidote is to remember the people who have stepped up and stepped in. And there are a lot of them. From out of the country phone calls to meals delivered to the stack of cards with personalized, heartfelt messages I am being supported. And those that can do more, do more. Those that can’t, I am believing, are still holding me in their hearts even if a canyon of space now exists between us.

My hope is that they are taking care of themselves

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 14, 2024

How Did I Get Here?

It is nine weeks today since I held my sweetie as he passed from this life. Nine weeks. How did I get here? How have I survived the unbearable pain that comes with losing my ‘person’, the one who lived within and all around my heart and life, the one who witnessed my every move, the one who held me in place when the world started spinning? And the world is spinning now in ways I had never imagined.

In my innocent arrogance I am asking how it is that I keep falling into the same patterns that most grieving people do. I am told that with all I’ve learned and all my intense training I am better skilled to handle things than most others. I’ve even said it myself in my attempt to find something normal in my new abnormal life. The truth is that I am pretty much like everyone else who suffers a great loss. We struggle through our days and nights feeling abandoned by a world that either cannot help or cannot look us in the eye. And we all, every single one of us, knows that we were those people until, for a brief moment in time, the clock stopped ticking for us.

What sustains me are the small circle of loving people who set aside their own judgements and needs to just listen to me wail when wailing is what I need. And when I pick myself up … which in itself is an absolute miracle … they are ready to converse back and forth about the weather and their lives and the minutiae of life that distracts us all.

I hardly recognize myself in the mirror yet I still see a lot of me in my daily habits and conversations. I hear myself telling someone else who is grieving about the power of forgiveness. I hear the way I accept that his suffering was undeniably harsh and to know that it is over brings me peace. I watch myself mail cards and send messages of warmth and hope to those in the middle of their own difficult times. And I send birthday greetings, blessings for new babies and congratulations on achievements

Writing is my path to inner peace. I have filled journal pages with letters to my sweet Doug and used it as a place to plant thoughts and feelings that simply must be heard. I’m told I am so strong and that I will get through this. What I know for sure is that so far, up until this Sunday morning, nine weeks through this nightmare, that I am 100% successful at getting through it.

As long as I keep asking for help, I’ll keep going. There will never be a time when there isn’t someone willing to listen. Asking for help feels risky but I am a student of how vulnerability builds connection. I ask it of others and right now, for however long I need, I will take the chance and ask.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 14, 2024

The Dark Void of Grief

Written in mid-December: Not much of the hard work I’ve done over the past 30 years has fully prepared me for the depth of grief I’m facing now. Several weeks ago I said goodbye to the love of my life, my husband, best friend and the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. We were so in love even after 25 years together. We got through his cancer treatments and while our lives were compromised, we made it work. We had the best year until an abrupt, miserable two months with treatment for an incurable disease. He was very ill at the end and of course I am relieved and grateful that his long suffering is over. And now I carry the incredible pain of missing him every minute of the day asking myself over and over why I am still here. It makes no sense.

I’ve comforted many people through their losses and been as generous with my time and resources to support those grieving. Until now, I had no idea how ‘lame’ my words and actions were. And now it’s my turn. Now I am the one desperately longing to hear something, to see or feel something that will ease the ache in my heart. My body, mind and spirit are completely hijacked by grief. Every grieving person I talk to and every book I read tells me that this is a very, very long journey. And so far, it is way more than I believe I can handle. There are no highs as I was used to in the past. And the lows are so profound I am surprised that I am able to write anything at all. Maybe I am because I’ve been propped up by loving, caring family and friends tonight when I started the slide into emptiness.

And maybe I’m writing because that’s what I do. I write in my journal. I write in my head as I formulate the sentences that will somehow make this unbearable situation easier.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | August 18, 2023

Waiting For a Signier Sign

A few years ago I saw a funny quote that read “Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like ok but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.” I thought that was hilarious then and I’ve repeated it to friends many times. Tonight, it doesn’t sound so funny as I contemplate how many times I’ve gotten a signier sign over and over again. What is it that makes us doubt the messages we get?

At first I thought it might be just procrastination, an unwillingness to have to act when I don’t want to. But that doesn’t always fit because there are so many times when I do what I need to do in spite of resistance. Another thought was fear. I must be just afraid to make a move. That also doesn’t fit because if fear was enough to stop me I wouldn’t have helped rescue our boat when it broke anchor and drifted onto a shoal last week.

Two decades ago when I was immersed in reading and listening to Caroline Myss I remember her saying “give up your need to know”. The way that lands with me now is that my insisting on knowing root causes and uncovering hidden meanings can sometimes keep me from being present and, quite possibly, paying attention to the signs from the universe. I’m all for seeking answers until that becomes the obsession that stalls forward motion. A clear example is that while in the city, I went to several stores looking for a product that I wanted. After three stores that would typically carry it I stopped to wonder if I was getting a sign. (Yes, we get signs about everything if we would only pay attention.) I decided to think about what I could use instead of the options that I hadn’t so far liked and … suddenly … I knew. Of course I could easily make the little bags I wanted. I have the material, sewing machine, thread and space. And they would be so much nicer and more meaningful than anything I could have purchased. The signs were telling me to create something beautiful rather than settle for a cheap alternative.

This was a simple example and it still points to paying attention to what the universe is trying to tell me. In particular, I’ve been intentional about my health for a long time. Lately, I notice I’m ignoring the signs from my body. As I search for my favourite ice cream in three stores (there seems to be a pattern here) I wonder if I’m getting a sign to give some conscious thought to my actions instead of impulsively following an urge. That’s a game changer.

What signs have you been getting about changes in your life? What have you listened to? What have you avoided? How might your life be different if you embraced the signs and followed the wisdom of the universe as it supports you living with joy and peace?

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | August 11, 2023

DESIDERATA

Re-reading this verse today has touched my heart. A beautiful reminder of how to live simply and intentionally. May you be inspired. Daryl

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.  As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.  Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.  Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.  If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.  Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.  Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself.  Especially, do not feign affection.  Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.  Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.  But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.  Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.  Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.  And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.  Be cheerful.  Strive to be Happy.

                     Max Ehrmann (1872-1945) Copyright 1927

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | August 2, 2023

My Inspiration

The past few weeks have been a busy time preparing for my husband’s birthday party. From the initial idea of inviting a few neighbours until the 70 people showed up last Saturday we were grateful for the warm and committed responses.

And then there he was, using his speaker phone to give a little speech to thank everyone. At the end, he surprised people by announcing he would be participating in the Head and Neck Above Cancer Walk in London, Ontario on August 20th. It is a 5km walk to raise money for the clinic that has been treating him for the past six years. Did I mention that he turned 80 on his birthday (according to him it is the 41st anniversary of his 39th birthday)?

These are good facts on their own but there is more to the story. Since he has been on a feeding tube full-time for five years and still has effects from radiation, chemo and surgery, it is remarkable how his sense of humour, good nature, kindness to others and joy for life have not been compromised. So many people have said they would never function as well as he does given his circumstances. We have talked through the challenges over and over again using the TED* framework I teach. We don’t like this aspect of our current reality so we accept it and look for possibilities.

He does almost everything he wants to do except eat! And through it all his heart grows bigger every day. I am humbled to be his wife and to watch how he approaches and handles the rough patches. He is my inspiration.

So if you need a little reminder to live with joy and peace, take a look here are my Doug:

https://lhsf.donordrive.com/participant/Doug-Dailey

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | July 23, 2023

Courage (Written November 2007)

For many people a lack of courage is the single barrier between where they are now and where they want to be. What do you think of when you hear the word courage? Extreme sports; risky business decisions; serious health crisis; winter driving; speaking in public? These are probably obvious and there’s a whole lot more you could likely add to this list.

Now think about it – what’s the scariest thing you’ve been asked to do in the past week? Eat an apple a day? Write down what you “catch” yourself doing right? Be truthful about what you want? Spend time doing the thing you love most? Accept the belief that you matter and are meant to be here?

These may not sound that scary to you but over the past several months these requests from my own coach have both visibly and inwardly terrified me. In every instance … even the apple … I have had to face something that I have been resisting for a very long time. Add to this my compelling belief that I “should know better”, “should be able to handle this” and “should be setting an example.” In spite of all my coach training and all my years of personal growth work, I have, until now been fully committed to keeping myself from the life I say I want and that I know is available to me. No matter how accomplished I am there is still a tape playing in my head that says I’m not good enough and unworthy of real joy and success.

As my clients, colleagues, friends and casual observers, you may have missed this aspect of me. In fact, some of you might be thinking this just doesn’t fit with the BIG personality that shows up at workshops or talking tough on a call. The reality is that when I coach and support others I feel free to offer them what I haven’t been able to give myself. Why not? It’s simple. I have lacked the courage to do what I know is right for me and give myself what I deserve.

Today, as I hung up from a call with my coach, feeling somewhat resentful and a bit angry I realized the feelings had been building for several weeks. I’d even secretly been hoping she would give up and end our coaching relationship because I just wasn’t “getting it.” Today my mind was telling me “she doesn’t really understand my situation”, “she talks like she knows so much more about me than I do” and “she’s not being compassionate”. Frustrated, and knowing I was going to have to complete the daily exercises or face more accountability issues, I decided to try something different. I began coaching myself and asking why her probing questions and challenging of my statements were so hard to accept. Letting go of the judgements I allowed myself to get curious about what was touching off such strong emotion. After all, I really like her and admire her work. I feel a kinship as we share personal experiences and compare life and career notes. I knew the problem had to be with the sensitivity of what she was trying so hard to show me.

It didn’t take that long to realize that she was doing with me exactly what I did over and over again with my clients – encouraged, nudged, pushed, cajoled, insisted, persuaded, urged and demanded that they see themselves as incredible whole beings without the limitation of their stories. I felt a bit queasy. My years of coaching flashed before me and I recognized the way some of my clients had reacted to my clearly showing them how stuck they were. For me, it was now painfully obvious that my fear of having to give up my story and be all that I have ever imagined for myself was making me angry and defensive. I was desperate for a really good justification and my coach wasn’t buying it. For weeks I’d pulled out all kinds of excuses and even complained that the multitude of physical symptoms I’d manifested just had to be the reason I couldn’t go on. Honestly, I was running out of dramatic responses. Sitting quietly with my thoughts I was overcome with the sincerest of respect and appreciation for how brave my own clients were to stop, listen and just consider that what I was saying might be the truth.

To say this shifted my world is an understatement. I decided to write this article for several reasons. First, I am a writer and it is always a cathartic experience for me to put on paper what I’m feeling. I needed to be able to read it more than once to reinforce what I was feeling. And I wanted something to give my coach to acknowledge her role in my latest adventure.

Next I wanted to honour my clients who I have always believed have shown enormous courage and inspire me to be more fearless in my own life. It is their willingness to keep moving forward that feeds our coaching relationship and us as individuals. Those who have long since moved on are still sources of energy for me as I recount the times when they surrendered to their own brilliance and we celebrated together at the threshold of their success. I can only guess how many other people have been affected by the way these people have embraced their lives.

Another reason for writing is to set the record straight. I’m human. I’m wildly successful at many things, profoundly knowledgeable in some areas and a complete failure at lots of things. I’ve learned so much and cherish the wisdom that has come from study and age. In fact, I believe I’m at a heightened stage of awakening right now. And I’m not there yet. In fact, I won’t likely be there until my last breath when I intend to declare “I did my best.” Until then, and just like everyone else on the planet I’m still learning.

Finally, I wanted to speak directly to those people who are desperate for change, longing to take risks, wishing things could be different … and are too afraid of what it might require of them.

The past few months I’ve come face to face with over one hundred individuals in my workshops. I’ve watched their enthusiasm and optimism build as they see what is possible for themselves. Their eyes light up, their hearts race a bit, they shout out their determination, they speak publicly about their new ways of being … and they laugh and talk all the way out the door. These people leave with commitments to new behaviours and attitudes and self-generated promises to contact me. I believe in that moment that they really do want to make changes and feel I can help them do it. Then they get away from the momentum and something happens. Suddenly … they are scared. They know from the powerful words I use that working with me will ask more of them than they might be prepared to give – even if it brings them all that they say they want. They realize that their life will change and change is scary. I know … it has kept me at a standstill in some areas of my life for many, many years. At least until my brave coach called my bluff.

To all those people who got a glimpse of what they might have or be, and all those who are just getting an insight right now, please hear me when I say … I understand. I am just like you … afraid to let go and afraid to stay the same. One thing I know for absolute certain is that without a coach I would probably find a very good reason not to do the things that will bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment. Without my coach I doubt I’d have the courage to face the big fat lie that is my “story”. And the truth is … all I really need is courage.

What I know about fear is that most people are frightened as they come up against the hard thing they need to do in their lives. Once it’s done, it’s not so scary any more. The difference is that sometimes people (me included) use that fear to back away from what they want. Others (me included) find the courage to break through and experience life on the other side. Having someone believe in me when I am the most afraid has been an enormous gift. I’m learning to do that for myself and with each success I achieve, I am reminded of the people who have shared this journey. Some were long term clients, some short term and some just a few minutes of real conversation that invited them to be courageous with either thoughts or actions.

In closing I want to acknowledge some of the bravery I’ve witnessed since becoming a coach. All my clients are not represented here because it would take too long. This is a snapshot of the ones that are standing out for me today. May they inspire you as they have me.

My courage awards:

To my client who said I can’t visualize my future because I don’t want to be disappointed … and then went right out and created a vision to change the world.

To my client who fiercely resisted giving up alcohol in business settings … and then demonstrated how easy and satisfying it was to do just that.

To my client who justified blaming their spouse for their divorce … and then took full ownership for how they contributed to the ending of their marriage.

To my client who refused to be involved in a child’s self-destructive life … and then sent them a heartfelt letter revealing the many reasons why they were so loved and admired.

To my client who imagined fulfilling artistic dreams … and then bravely followed through with a public exhibition and commissioned work.

To my client who felt trapped by a career choice … and then discovered changing employers brought relief and allowed them to fulfill their personal passion.

To my client who allowed their partner to diminish their self-worth … and then showed how capable they were of building their own self-esteem and modelling joy for their children.

Now, it’s my turn. Even as the ink is fresh on these pages I am facing new opportunities to be brave. In a world so infused with fear, there has never been a better time for each of us to find courage in the simple things … and the big things in our lives. If I do nothing else today, may I find the courage to do what I know is right for me. What about you?

How might your life be different if you had the courage to change?

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | July 12, 2023

I Am Entitled

The Oxford dictionary defines ‘entitled’ as “believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.” There is lots of conversation these days about people acting entitled. Even on our quiet little back road in Tobermory there is an animated discussion about the people who have helped themselves to our collection of painted rocks. Even if they are tucked into our mailbox stand it seems that some people think they can pick them up and take them home. A lot of us are incensed that while there are areas that throughout the pandemic encouraged people to gather painted rocks, we made an effort to provide enjoyment and laughter for everyone. But some people have felt ‘entitled’ to take multiple rocks to the point that we now have very few and the summer is just beginning. The ‘main’ artist is no longer willing to create interesting pieces knowing that they’ll be scooped up by people who feel ‘entitled’. (There could be a whole new blog on how we made assumptions about how people would view this gesture of community.)

I got to thinking about how I feel entitled because, of course, when I teach Shadow Work I can’t get far from my inquiry of ‘how am I like that in my life’. In Shadow Work there is a ‘light’ side and a ‘dark’ side to everything. I’ve worked this through with women at many retreats with the intention of helping us all be more compassionate towards ourselves and others. It’s good/okay to feel entitled … except when it’s not … and sometimes it’s not.

The dark side of entitlement is when we believe we have special privileges that others don’t or that we feel deserving of things that are not ours to own. An example I recently noticed was someone who parked in front of a building entrance blocking access for people because they were ‘in a hurry’ and didn’t want to wait for a parking spot closer to the building. This inconvenienced many people but when confronted by someone, they shrugged it off.

So, I do feel entitled and I’m willing to own that from the ‘light’ side of entitlement. I feel entitled to respect, consideration, compassion, empathy, love, support, kindness, understanding, joy, safety, security, fairness and probably lots of other things. And while I do feel entitled to all of these things, I also feel that everyone on this planet is entitled to the same thing. Of course, this is rooted in my belief that no matter how someone shows up in our world, including those whose acts of entitlement harm others, they are still entitled to the basic human needs that we all deserve.

How we treat each other is often a reflection of how we treat ourselves. Living in the shadow of the dark side of entitlement doesn’t build connection. Seeing each other, all others, as deserving of kindness and civility brings us together.

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