For many people a lack of courage is the single barrier between where they are now and where they want to be. What do you think of when you hear the word courage? Extreme sports; risky business decisions; serious health crisis; winter driving; speaking in public? These are probably obvious and there’s a whole lot more you could likely add to this list.
Now think about it – what’s the scariest thing you’ve been asked to do in the past week? Eat an apple a day? Write down what you “catch” yourself doing right? Be truthful about what you want? Spend time doing the thing you love most? Accept the belief that you matter and are meant to be here?
These may not sound that scary to you but over the past several months these requests from my own coach have both visibly and inwardly terrified me. In every instance … even the apple … I have had to face something that I have been resisting for a very long time. Add to this my compelling belief that I “should know better”, “should be able to handle this” and “should be setting an example.” In spite of all my coach training and all my years of personal growth work, I have, until now been fully committed to keeping myself from the life I say I want and that I know is available to me. No matter how accomplished I am there is still a tape playing in my head that says I’m not good enough and unworthy of real joy and success.
As my clients, colleagues, friends and casual observers, you may have missed this aspect of me. In fact, some of you might be thinking this just doesn’t fit with the BIG personality that shows up at workshops or talking tough on a call. The reality is that when I coach and support others I feel free to offer them what I haven’t been able to give myself. Why not? It’s simple. I have lacked the courage to do what I know is right for me and give myself what I deserve.
Today, as I hung up from a call with my coach, feeling somewhat resentful and a bit angry I realized the feelings had been building for several weeks. I’d even secretly been hoping she would give up and end our coaching relationship because I just wasn’t “getting it.” Today my mind was telling me “she doesn’t really understand my situation”, “she talks like she knows so much more about me than I do” and “she’s not being compassionate”. Frustrated, and knowing I was going to have to complete the daily exercises or face more accountability issues, I decided to try something different. I began coaching myself and asking why her probing questions and challenging of my statements were so hard to accept. Letting go of the judgements I allowed myself to get curious about what was touching off such strong emotion. After all, I really like her and admire her work. I feel a kinship as we share personal experiences and compare life and career notes. I knew the problem had to be with the sensitivity of what she was trying so hard to show me.
It didn’t take that long to realize that she was doing with me exactly what I did over and over again with my clients – encouraged, nudged, pushed, cajoled, insisted, persuaded, urged and demanded that they see themselves as incredible whole beings without the limitation of their stories. I felt a bit queasy. My years of coaching flashed before me and I recognized the way some of my clients had reacted to my clearly showing them how stuck they were. For me, it was now painfully obvious that my fear of having to give up my story and be all that I have ever imagined for myself was making me angry and defensive. I was desperate for a really good justification and my coach wasn’t buying it. For weeks I’d pulled out all kinds of excuses and even complained that the multitude of physical symptoms I’d manifested just had to be the reason I couldn’t go on. Honestly, I was running out of dramatic responses. Sitting quietly with my thoughts I was overcome with the sincerest of respect and appreciation for how brave my own clients were to stop, listen and just consider that what I was saying might be the truth.
To say this shifted my world is an understatement. I decided to write this article for several reasons. First, I am a writer and it is always a cathartic experience for me to put on paper what I’m feeling. I needed to be able to read it more than once to reinforce what I was feeling. And I wanted something to give my coach to acknowledge her role in my latest adventure.
Next I wanted to honour my clients who I have always believed have shown enormous courage and inspire me to be more fearless in my own life. It is their willingness to keep moving forward that feeds our coaching relationship and us as individuals. Those who have long since moved on are still sources of energy for me as I recount the times when they surrendered to their own brilliance and we celebrated together at the threshold of their success. I can only guess how many other people have been affected by the way these people have embraced their lives.
Another reason for writing is to set the record straight. I’m human. I’m wildly successful at many things, profoundly knowledgeable in some areas and a complete failure at lots of things. I’ve learned so much and cherish the wisdom that has come from study and age. In fact, I believe I’m at a heightened stage of awakening right now. And I’m not there yet. In fact, I won’t likely be there until my last breath when I intend to declare “I did my best.” Until then, and just like everyone else on the planet I’m still learning.
Finally, I wanted to speak directly to those people who are desperate for change, longing to take risks, wishing things could be different … and are too afraid of what it might require of them.
The past few months I’ve come face to face with over one hundred individuals in my workshops. I’ve watched their enthusiasm and optimism build as they see what is possible for themselves. Their eyes light up, their hearts race a bit, they shout out their determination, they speak publicly about their new ways of being … and they laugh and talk all the way out the door. These people leave with commitments to new behaviours and attitudes and self-generated promises to contact me. I believe in that moment that they really do want to make changes and feel I can help them do it. Then they get away from the momentum and something happens. Suddenly … they are scared. They know from the powerful words I use that working with me will ask more of them than they might be prepared to give – even if it brings them all that they say they want. They realize that their life will change and change is scary. I know … it has kept me at a standstill in some areas of my life for many, many years. At least until my brave coach called my bluff.
To all those people who got a glimpse of what they might have or be, and all those who are just getting an insight right now, please hear me when I say … I understand. I am just like you … afraid to let go and afraid to stay the same. One thing I know for absolute certain is that without a coach I would probably find a very good reason not to do the things that will bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment. Without my coach I doubt I’d have the courage to face the big fat lie that is my “story”. And the truth is … all I really need is courage.
What I know about fear is that most people are frightened as they come up against the hard thing they need to do in their lives. Once it’s done, it’s not so scary any more. The difference is that sometimes people (me included) use that fear to back away from what they want. Others (me included) find the courage to break through and experience life on the other side. Having someone believe in me when I am the most afraid has been an enormous gift. I’m learning to do that for myself and with each success I achieve, I am reminded of the people who have shared this journey. Some were long term clients, some short term and some just a few minutes of real conversation that invited them to be courageous with either thoughts or actions.
In closing I want to acknowledge some of the bravery I’ve witnessed since becoming a coach. All my clients are not represented here because it would take too long. This is a snapshot of the ones that are standing out for me today. May they inspire you as they have me.
My courage awards:
To my client who said I can’t visualize my future because I don’t want to be disappointed … and then went right out and created a vision to change the world.
To my client who fiercely resisted giving up alcohol in business settings … and then demonstrated how easy and satisfying it was to do just that.
To my client who justified blaming their spouse for their divorce … and then took full ownership for how they contributed to the ending of their marriage.
To my client who refused to be involved in a child’s self-destructive life … and then sent them a heartfelt letter revealing the many reasons why they were so loved and admired.
To my client who imagined fulfilling artistic dreams … and then bravely followed through with a public exhibition and commissioned work.
To my client who felt trapped by a career choice … and then discovered changing employers brought relief and allowed them to fulfill their personal passion.
To my client who allowed their partner to diminish their self-worth … and then showed how capable they were of building their own self-esteem and modelling joy for their children.
Now, it’s my turn. Even as the ink is fresh on these pages I am facing new opportunities to be brave. In a world so infused with fear, there has never been a better time for each of us to find courage in the simple things … and the big things in our lives. If I do nothing else today, may I find the courage to do what I know is right for me. What about you?
How might your life be different if you had the courage to change?
