Daryl Wood's Blog

Written April 11, 2011 and just as relevant today:

As you start your day, notice if there is someone that you are dependent on for approval or validation; someone who you hope will call, will thank you, will recognize you, will praise you; someone who will give you a nod in some way that will help you relax and feel good about yourself? Is there someone, even on some basic subtle level you are hoping will acknowledge the good in you?

It can be hard to turn off this need to have an external source value us if that’s what we know. And in the world we have created, that’s what most of us know. In the days of monasteries, religious people turned to God for proof of their worth. But for them, God was as much “out there” as “inside” so they understood that there wasn’t a human being on the planet who could determine how they measured up but rather a divine source both within and all around them.

For most of us, unless we are taught otherwise, our sense of self and our value as a person starts with the messages we receive in childhood and are built upon as we progress through school, recreational activities, clubs, groups and eventually the interactions we have as adults, both young and old. Sometimes we get so used to others reflecting back to us that we forget to make our own decisions about our merit. Sometimes we adopt these beliefs about ourselves and frequently can’t even remember where they came from. It happened to me yesterday as I took my daily walk and tried to figure out exactly who it was that told me that I’d never do anything that really mattered. I’d had that notion racing around in my mind after bumping into some resistance on a project. So I did what works – I went for a walk and talked to myself. I tried to pinpoint a time when I wanted to do things and got “shut down”. There were some spotty early memories along with the realization that I was always trying something new, something bold, something adventurous. I wasn’t afraid to reinvent or launch into things and I’m still not. But all this bravado is fuel for my inner critic who has been quietly (well, not always) piling up evidence of my shortcomings.

When I ask people why they don’t follow their dreams or even just their impulses there is always some belief about themselves that they can reference and of course it is limiting. There is always some past failure or admonishment from someone that they immediately retrieve from their internal library.  I love solving mysteries so I was really intent on reaching back into my past to figure this one out. What I learned yesterday was that while it is deeply empowering to be able to dissect the root cause, I was spending a lot of time digging up the past while the present moment was slipping away. And what I know about myself NOW matters most. I know that some things I do or try, will work. Some won’t. I know that sometimes I push through resistance no matter what anyone (including my inner saboteur) says and sometimes I stop when I’m doubted. I know that sometimes I am like a dog with a bone who refuses to stop when everyone else has given up and sometimes I’m the first to throw in the towel. And I know that sometimes, I do things that really, really matter.

It’s all part of growing into myself, accepting myself and facing forward.

“The time to show up fully for life is right now, whatever the circumstances.” Marianne Williamson

This is a quote from long ago and is as relevant this morning as anything I have ever read. Life is marching on and days and weeks fly by. Showing up for me today isn’t about facing into the wind and fiercely championing my intentions. Showing up today is standing on the shoreline in the early hours watching the micro movements of ice on Lake Huron and the changing colours of the sunrise.

It means being present, awake and alive. How will you show up today?

In Louise Hay’s groundbreaking movie “You Can Heal Your Life” there is a segment with Cheryl Richardson reminds us to choose our source of learning and support wisely. Cheryl’s reference to not go to the hardware store for milk was completely aligned with what I’ve painfully experienced in my own search for comfort. It has taken me literally two decades to fully understand that there are some people in my life, although we love each other dearly, are not the right people for me to share some of my angst or woe with. Even if I really, really want to tell them what I’m feeling!

A wise teacher once told me not to ask things of people that they don’t have the capacity to give me. At first, I was taken aback and felt that I would be unfairly judging someone. What I realized with time was that my own life’s journey made me an ideal person to ‘hold space’ for some people needing empathy and compassion. The key word is ‘some’ people. Not everyone. I’m just not the best fit. Period. And the same applies to others. For example, sometimes I can’t help myself and I start giving advice or relating a similar story. It happens in a flash and when it does, I’m done. I’m in my Rescuer role which never serves either of us.

Whether we are biologically connected or best friends, there are times when what we need is only available from someone else; someone who can really be with us through a challenge without the glare of history or preconceived ideas. It needs to be said that I am blessed with lots of coaches who are friends and even they don’t always fit the bill. Sometimes, just like me, they want to fix when ‘being with’ is all I need.

The big lesson for me is to be kind to those who don’t ‘hear’ me and lovingly accept them for where they are. No judgement. No animosity. No shaming. No regrets. Love them for what they do bring into my life and don’t make the relationship messy by going to them with things they aren’t able to handle.