Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 27, 2025

Looking For The Barrel

On my morning kayak I slowed down to look for the barrel. A few years ago as I reentered our bay I looked down and was surprised to see a large round barrel partially buried in the silt on the bottom. Most of the bay is rocky so it was luck or misfortune that the barrel ended up here where whatever journey it was on would grind to halt as the bottom claimed a part of it. I remember circling around and taking note of the location so I could point it out to others. Debris moves around on a big lake like Huron so it would be almost impossible to know where it started it’s journey.

Going on these many years I have looked for the barrel without success and again this morning, when the water was smooth as glass, I went back and forth over the area and didn’t find the barrel. I continued into the ‘big’ water past the safety of the reef (water was still there as well) and on my way back I did another search. No barrel in sight. And then I paused. I realized that I would likely always be looking for the barrel because I’d seen it once and the memory was firmly implanted in my brain. In fact, I might never go over that same spot without thinking about the barrel. It had been significant on the cruising day and would forever be in my thoughts whether I made that a conscious decision or not.

And so it is that in spite of happy walks with friends, meals together, projects, long bike rides, conversations, adventures, accomplishments, laughter, and tears, there will always be the memories of my beloved Doug in just about everything I do, even the things he had never done with me. If I can be so amazed that a barrel on the bottom of the lake has stuck with me all these years it can’t be a leap to search for Doug around every corner in every area of my life. He was, for 25 years, enmeshed with my own being in a way that suited us both in the face of joy and sadness. We were, as Mary-Frances O’Connor details in The Grieving Brain, connected on a much more physical level than even we knew.

Perhaps today you will notice what remnants of your own past have secured themselves in a way that brings comfort or at least a jolt to awaken awareness.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 12, 2025

Adrian Hayes, My Inspiration

I’ve been waiting to hear from my friend Adrian Hayes knowing he is on yet another monumental expedition. We met in 2008 at a Leadership Program and have enjoyed a sporadic friendship including when he had a week stay at my home in Tobermory, Ontario. We share a special bond that has taken turns of lifting each other at difficult times. Weeks after my beloved Doug died, Adrian phoned me from his home in the U.K. to talk about Doug and reflect on how he cared about him and me.

Fast forward to last night and I got a call that he is being slowly rope carried down the side of Mount Kanchenjunga in Nepal suffering an illness that has put him in grave danger. They hope to get him to Base Camp 3 so he can be airlifted to a hospital. Apparently helicopters can’t fly any higher so the tedious descent is up to the reliable Sherpas that Adrian has worked with for decades.

As I and so many others wait and pray for his safe return I think about the drive that has pushed him to exceed what most would think of as normal limits on accomplishments. The photo here is me wearing the jacket he had on when he earned a world record for being the first to reach The Three Poles in the shortest time (Mount Everest and the North and South Poles). And he didn’t stop there. Adrian inspires so many looking for personal and professional empowerment to surpass the roadblocks they put on their way to success. He does this with his physical endeavours and the Leadership programs he offers worldwide. And this morning, he is inspiring me.

I have no desire or intention of the kind of physical extremes that Adrian would tackle. But honestly, the emotional and psychological challenges I face feel as daunting as an 8,586 m (28,169 ft) mountaintop. I can hear Adrian telling me to ‘press on’, ‘don’t give up’, ‘focus’, ‘believe in myself’. We have both grown in our fearless quests to live full on with authenticity and passion. Sometimes I still see that in myself and it’s something that keeps him striving where others, like me, might have given in to defeat.

In my search for inner peace and a willingness to find meaning again I want to be sure I don’t miss this opportunity to learn from one of my heroes. Adrian is fighting for his life and while I may be judged as dramatic for saying that I am too, there is little doubt in my heart and mind that sometimes climbing out of my despair requires the same fierce, constant attention whether it is as harsh as doing tasks that exhaust me or as soft as watching branches move slightly in the breeze. Today, mindfulness will keep me alert to the reality that is surrounding me so I am not hauled back up the mountain of grief. Today I will stay awake and when I start to slide I will gently comfort my way to self-kindness and a love for the safety and wellbeing of my friend Adrian.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 9, 2025

So Much Work

In my desperate search for comfort I read books and blogs, watch videos and podcasts, talk to people, listen to people and search headlines for something that will ease the ongoing suffering. I find tremendous solace in Quiet Wisdom, The Modern Buddhist and most recently The Grieving Brain by Mary Frances O’Connor. And friends remind me to turn grief into gratitude, to notice where I am putting my focus, to be thankful I had experienced such deep love, acknowledge how far I have come and to appreciate my comfortable, uncomplicated circumstances. And it all helps. And it all reveals a part of me that is so hard to reconcile. I am still grieving deeply after one and half years. One and half years. It’s hard to even say that out loud or write about it. I am still looking for Doug to anchor me to this world that feels so alien. How could Doug have been gone that long? How have I survived without my person?

I have started several blogs only to stop myself because it felt wrong to burden others with my pain and it they sounded disjointed. What if it comes across as pathetic or too difficult to hear? What if it further isolates me? Already I watch people slip quietly out of my life (well, sometimes with some noise) as they realize that I am ‘not getting better’, ‘not moving on’, ‘stuck in the past’, ‘not grateful enough’. I hear it in subtle comments, see it in their tired eyes and feel it in their turning away, turning off, distancing.

And for all those who have grown weary of my woe, I am the one who most resents and abhors the state I am in. It is so much work. So much work to breathe through the periods of anguish that suck the life out of everything that matters to me. So much work to make decisions around even the smallest of things that I would have the confidence to do in the past. So much work to let go of the relationships that were so special to Doug and I. So much work to show my appreciation to the kind and loving souls who still take my teary calls, offer a hug, hold space without needing to fix me. So much work to eat healthy, care for my body, nourish my heart and mind with meditation and stillness. So much work to just be.

Perhaps comparing my grief to others has made me want to hide. In a world where we celebrate courage, strength, tenacity and resilience, I am holding up a mirror that gives a failing grade. If I say it takes a lot of effort to do simple things my inner critic rolls their eyes. After all, I am frequently reminded that everyone, literally everyone, has stuff going on in their lives. My struggles are far less severe and therefore, the inference is that they should not be made out to be so horrific.

And there it is. I have so, so much to be grateful for. The lists I make fill many lined pages of thankfulness for the people and places that give me ease and sometimes great joy. The question is always how to survive when I fall over the cliff and can’t see the light. And I fall over the cliff more often than I admit to others and certainly more often than I want. How do I keep simply noticing with self-love the tyranny of grief that robs me of fully engaging with this extraordinary life I have been given? How do I honour Doug’s life and all he generously gave to me and others?

Maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to see myself as worthy of this precious life. Until then, I will keep waiting for the answers, the magic, elusive elixir that is the cure for grief and mourning. There have been plenty of little epiphanies that have kept me going and each has elevated me out of despair. I tell myself, it’s just a matter of time before another ‘ah-ha’ propels me along this journey.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | April 25, 2025

A Normal Day

When Doug and I met he was very impressed that I rose at the crack of dawn and walked for an hour almost every morning. That didn’t change and, in fact, became more inspiring for both of us when we moved to Tobermory. Walking the empty, quiet country roads the mornings all year round became my meditation and motivation. This morning I left home at 6:40 a.m. not realizing how chilly it was and that the wind was stronger than my reference said. I couldn’t resist the urge to get out on my bike and move in the early morning hours.

As I road my Ebike (and yes you still pedal and work your body) the 12 km trip to the downtown harbour I talked to Doug and told him how happy I felt this morning. I had a good night’s sleep and have been reading a very intriguing book called The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor. Along the route the Parks Canada Superintendent pulled up and we had a nice chat about the nature of things. Finally I reached the harbour and stood quietly beside Doug’s memorial bench thinking about how much he meant to so many people. It was a very cold and challenging ride home but now I have my warm lemon drink and I’m ready for the bits and pieces of my day.

This feels like a normal, typical day in someone’s life and actually, in my life. At least the life I knew before Doug’s passing and even further back to before his cancer upended our daily lives. So here I am wondering how I could start with such a normal day when the past few days I’ve been in deep mourning. Even though I have read and studied and worked hard at understanding grief it, still takes me by surprise when I descend into the darkness. Even other grievers don’t always ‘get’ how crushing this is. That’s where this new book is helping me so much. The more I accept that my way of dealing with losing the most important person in my life is unique to me, the less I will worry that I am stuck in a victim mindset.

And when I thought I was, I called on David Emerald in early January to get his take on where I was. David created The Empowerment Dynamic as an antidote to the Drama Triangle where the Victim holds court. Our conversation was so personal and comforting and I was deeply grateful to David. So when I learned that on April 16th, David suddenly and peacefully passed away, I was reminded of all the good he did and how much his lessons have and will always resonate with me.

Which brings me full circle back to this morning. David’s solution to the Victim is to be a Creator and he signed off every message with “To the Creator in you”. While I didn’t consciously think about it this morning, I was taking charge of my life and doing what would move me forward. It felt so good that now I’m going to take myself out for breakfast. Here’s to the Creator in me and you and everyone.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 26, 2025

Reading

Today is Bruce’s birthday. At least it would have been. Bruce would have been 83 today and by everyone’s account would still be working in the electronics department of Costco. He would have had the same playful interactions with younger, admiring staff, the same knowledgeable exchanges with buyers and the same cheerful “Hello, hello, hello” as he entered the door to his home. But Bruce died six weeks after my beloved Doug. He was Doug’s older brother and Doug adored him. He was with Doug the day he died because it was worth the four hour drive early in the morning to be with his brother who he felt protective of all of their lives. And then Bruce was gone and they are off together somewhere laughing and telling stories. That’s what happens in life. People live and people die. Why is that so hard to accept?

I am reading Joan Didion’s book The Year of Magical Thinking. It is the story of her life after her husband dies suddenly. I have read dozens and dozens of books this past 16 months and now I am landing here with, again, someone who has walked this path before me. I am finding myself in the pages and nodding silently as Joan constructs my own grief and mourning. And I am thinking how comforting it is to see myself somewhere safe with someone who ‘knows’.

And I am wondering how it is for other people when they read something that reflects the point they are at in their lives. Do they see their fierceness, their courage, their humour, their determination, their excuses, their hopes and dreams? Do they leave the pages with inspiration, ideas, messages, and maybe the will to follow through where they might have stalled? How can we learn and grow from those who have trudged solidly along a narrow or rugged trail that we imagined ourselves taking? Maybe others do. Maybe I always have because I have been reading my whole life. My mother once told me in a rather non-consequential way that when I started kindergarten at 4 3/4 I announced to my father who had read to me daily that I didn’t need him to do that anymore because I could now read myself!

And I have been reading ever since. I have purchased thousands of books, borrowed hundreds from libraries, given away more than I can remember, recommended so many over the years and still, I find a new book I had never heard of that keeps me from falling asleep and pulls me awake in the morning. I love the feel of a book in my hands because all I am doing is reading. I don’t have a headset on while I am driving, riding the subway, walking or doing housework. I am just reading.

As always, with a book that I love, I am feeling a bit anxious that soon it will be over. I will complete the book today because I can’t put it down. It might be before my errands or after but it will surely be today. I am hungry for the gifts of everyday experience and wisdom that I am reading. These are my stories. Non-fiction written with transparency in the shape of memories that come and go. These are my stories.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 18, 2025

Head And Neck Cancer Move-A-Thon

Why I’m raising awareness about head and neck cancer

This is the second year I am participating in the April Move-A-Thon. Once again I am partnering with Sue Lim who offered (and still offers) genuine empathy and support through the Head And Neck Cancer Alliance (HNCA) since my beloved husband Doug Dailey passed away November 12, 2023. Doug endured six long years of treatment and for the five years on a feeding tube he sat through so many meals with family and friends sipping on coffee because he couldn’t eat, sharing funny stories and being kind to everyone. I am so proud to be his wife and this is my chance to be strong and resilient in his memory.

So many ‘what ifs’. If we had detected it sooner, understood the risks, had more support for treatment options, asked more questions, etc. etc. HNCA offers so much to educate and guide people. This can be a debilitating and life threatening illness. Maybe my efforts will help save someone else from the ravages of head and neck cancer.

Now, more than ever, the Cross Border Connection with my friend Sue from Seattle to my home in Tobermory, Ontario, Canada is so important. I also donate to a local Head and Neck Cancer fundraiser and am hoping I can show my support for both these organizations.

I’m ready to MOVE through April to honour my Doug and Sue’s loving husband Carl. Help me show the courage it takes to be the spouse of these much loved men who fought hard to keep living through unimaginable circumstances.

Your gift will help further the Alliance’s mission to provide hope and support to individuals impacted by head and neck cancer, raise awareness about prevention and early detection, and advocate for improved patient outcomes. Doug also had a mentor and attended Webinars to support his journey.

Thanks for your support, Love Daryl

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 17, 2025

YOU DON’T JUST LOSE SOMEONE ONCE

You lose them over and over,
sometimes in the same day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.

Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.

Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.

Donna Ashworth

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 7, 2025

Awareness Is My Strength. And My Weakness

Awareness is my strength. And my weakness. It is my strength because it reminds me, alerts me to how I am living this life, to what I am choosing and priortizing. My awareness shows me the difference between what I am doing and what I want to do and what I think I should be doing and the gradation between my reality and my hopeful visions. I have created these ideas in my mind of how I want to live or sometimes how I think I should live and my awareness reveals the truth, the reality and not the fantasy.

Awareness is my weakness because I can’t blind myself to pain and suffering. Without this awareness I would live in whatever way I impulsively choose without reflections or discernment. Without that spark I would not question behaviours, thoughts, actions, feelings. I would move through my days and endless nights feeling sometimes oblivious to the root of my anxiety or joy and sometimes in denial of my own contribution to these states or sometimes feeling victimized by choices I have made or situations I feel have been thrust upon me.

Lack of awareness could keep me numb or judgemental of myself and others, keep me paralyzed into inaction, despair or stubborn resistance. But I have awareness. I am awake. Even when I try to hide I am eventually brought back to knowing. And with knowing I see my role in doing or not doing, showing up or hiding out, speaking up or staying silent, collapsing in great sadness of rising slowly, sometimes even strongly to attain a level of peace.

I try sometimes to counter the inner truth, to challenge it, to find fault with what is true and real in front of me only to at last surrender and see my role in creating the things I least want in my life. Awareness is my weakness because sometimes I don’t want to notice. I tell myself and occasionally others that I want a peaceful heart, body, mind and spirit. And I do some of the things that generate that for me and my wellbeing and then I don’t. I see it. I see how I contribute to what I don’t want and I say as kindly as possible that “I am human and imperfect and doing the best I can especially under the extreme circumstances that I find myself in.” And I say this with an almost timid voice because a part of me is seeing this as an excuse. There is both truth and justification in this and I know my inner voices – the loving one and the cruel one – will both argue out the real intention.

But I am awake. I am aware. I see with the loving eyes of a mother that I know the truth and will once again forgive myself for looking away and falling into a pattern of wishing and hoping for a miracle to transform me so I don’t have to do the work, the heavy lifting of planning and taking action which I know with certainty from experience will give me what I need and ultimately want.

And some days, too many days lately than I would like, it all feels like very heavy lifting. Awareness, the knowing that my mind believes that gets in the way of any movement. And yet, maybe this writing about it frees some space that has been trying to hold all that behind a closed door. Once a crack opens, maybe things will change. Maybe I will change. Maybe.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 3, 2025

The Commitment Conversation

It’s not what you might be thinking. Recently I’ve had a number of conversations with smart, capable people about commitments to themselves. We have talked about relationships, jobs, money, health, spirituality and general self-care. We have all acknowledged that in some areas of our lives we are so committed either from decades of habits or from something compelling us. We do so many things automatically because we have programmed ourselves to brush our teeth before going out in public or tracking our spending on a spreadsheet. These are just what we do without any conscious thought.

It’s the ‘other’ things, the promises we make to our own wellbeing, that require more consistent effort and a strong commitment that don’t seem to have the same results. We have all admitted that staying true to some commitments seems harder than it used to. We blame it on outside distractions, our age, too many options, slow results, conflicting messages, etc. Some of us feel such deep disappointment that we have essentially given up, over and over again.

This might sound like a New Years Resolution conversation but it’s not. New Years highlights what isn’t working all year round and is, for so many, a grasping at something to make us change and integrate better choices into our lives. In some ways it is the big awakening that in spite of great starts we never finished and therefore we still haven’t landed where we wanted. I am as guilty as anyone for the stands I take and then stop following through on.

When my beloved Doug was so ill in the last few months of his life I went to extraordinary lengths to provide care and comfort to him. There was no question of what I would sacrifice to love and support him in the worst time of his life. I was committed and compelled and at the end of the 10 week ordeal, I was exhausted. I believe I would have kept going but I know I would have suffered on all levels for the pace and intensity of our situation. But my commitment was immovable.

So now as I am having these conversations with my friends I wonder how I can tap into the driven energy of that time to help myself establish new routines that will serve my wellbeing. Not to the point of exhaustion of course, but if only to find a kernel of unwavering commitment that will see me through the days when meditating or making healthy meals feels like too much work. For months I’ve been trying different ways to calm my anxious mind, satisfy my body’s need for nourishment and movement, find joy and meaning in life again and most importantly, build capacity to handle changes close to home and far away. I start and stop in a dizzying succession of well meaning, well intended paths to a feeling of peace.

My friends and I all agree that we have been successful at commitments in the past and we all agree that for some reason we now seem to be missing the key ingredient to put something in place that will keep us moving into a more confident state of being. None of us are looking for perfection (although some might secretly wish for what is obviously unattainable) and all of us are looking for something ‘out there’ that will be the missing piece of the puzzle. And when we slow down and tell each other the truth, we know this is an inside job, the way to make our commitments stick is within our own minds and hearts. And, as Shakespeare would say, ‘there’s the rub’. We all nod our heads and go off into our lives in search of our inner wisdom and power to commit.

Many spiritual teachers will tell us that peace and happiness come from within. For me, using the tools of Heart Math always helps. Doing a variety of daily meditations, guided or not, helps. This I know is the most important step I can take to find my footing in my new world. And my friends and I are all sighing with a “Yup, I knew that” smile as we give in to the answer we knew all along.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 12, 2025

Seeing Things Differently

“One need not travel to distant lands, seek exotic mystical experiences, master esoteric mantras and treatises, or cultivate extraordinary states of mind in order to experience a radical change of heart and inner transformation. Spiritually speaking, everything that one wants, aspires to, and needs is ever-present, accessible here and now – for those with eyes to see. It’s the old adage all over again: You don’t need to see different things, but rather to see things differently.” Lama Surya Das

Fifty years ago I heard about Transcendental Meditation from my father who heard about it in the most unlikely of places – a boardroom on Bay Street in Toronto’s downtown business district. I watched with great curiousity to see how it impacted his life and since then have used it off and on. Twenty-eight years ago I was introduced to the world of spirituality, consciousness, self-help, personal growth, meditation, wisdom, introspection and more through the incredible people I met while attending The Hoffman Process. This way of being in the world became the pillar I built my life and career on using my hunger for learning to fuel women’s retreats and my coaching. And then my beloved Doug’s medical crisis upended my world and I lost myself. Until now.

The past year I tried hard to find my way back to the spaciousness, loving kindness, faith and hope that had sustained me through leading retreats, coaching and living as on purpose as I could. Suddenly at the end of December, and nothing ever really is sudden, I was forced into solitude and what a blessing. Suddenly and slowly, what I’d known and believed had room to draw my eye and heart away from the chaotic world around me and into the calm centre that offered peace and an understanding I hadn’t been able to fully embrace for years. And suddenly and slowly the teachings of the past and new insights filled my days. A series of Near Death Stories, a book called Signs, the Understanding Grief book and then the YouTube channel called Modern Buddhism. Reading, listening and immersing myself in the subtle reminders of what is true and resonant opened me to watching for signs and messages of hope. And lying in bed last night the name “Lama Surya Das” popped into my head. I got up and found his book “Awakening the Buddha Within” on my bookshelf. It was gifted to me 22 years ago and the dozens of sticky notes attest to how deeply it touched me then. And it has sat there idle on the shelf for all these years waiting for me to find my way back to the gifts in its pages.

I had shared the above quote often in those first few years and when I opened the book last night this quote was the first marked passage. I smiled. That’s what I’ve been doing this past week of reflection, seeing things differently. The pre-scheduled posts went out and I stayed inward, needing and appreciating a more solemn conversation with myself.

So now I wonder how this blog will change and if it will have any meaning for the handful of people who give it a glance. I am a writer so this is usually where I bring my experiences to land. As I travel deeper inward I’m not sure if I will feel the urge to keep doing that. And if I do, I will be curious to see what gets into print and what impact that will have on those who have found something in my writing to lift, support, inspire, inform or guide them. What new material comes to me is keeping me alert to the power of the Universe/God Energy/Creator/Greater Consciousness to give me what I need whether I know it or not. And when I slow down, breathe and listen I know I am guided and it is indeed what I need.

If what shows up here gives others hope and comfort, I’m grateful I have the courage and means to be of service to anyone who seeks learning from my journey. Namaste

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