Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 17, 2025

YOU DON’T JUST LOSE SOMEONE ONCE

You lose them over and over,
sometimes in the same day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.

Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.

Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.

Donna Ashworth

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | March 7, 2025

Awareness Is My Strength. And My Weakness

Awareness is my strength. And my weakness. It is my strength because it reminds me, alerts me to how I am living this life, to what I am choosing and priortizing. My awareness shows me the difference between what I am doing and what I want to do and what I think I should be doing and the gradation between my reality and my hopeful visions. I have created these ideas in my mind of how I want to live or sometimes how I think I should live and my awareness reveals the truth, the reality and not the fantasy.

Awareness is my weakness because I can’t blind myself to pain and suffering. Without this awareness I would live in whatever way I impulsively choose without reflections or discernment. Without that spark I would not question behaviours, thoughts, actions, feelings. I would move through my days and endless nights feeling sometimes oblivious to the root of my anxiety or joy and sometimes in denial of my own contribution to these states or sometimes feeling victimized by choices I have made or situations I feel have been thrust upon me.

Lack of awareness could keep me numb or judgemental of myself and others, keep me paralyzed into inaction, despair or stubborn resistance. But I have awareness. I am awake. Even when I try to hide I am eventually brought back to knowing. And with knowing I see my role in doing or not doing, showing up or hiding out, speaking up or staying silent, collapsing in great sadness of rising slowly, sometimes even strongly to attain a level of peace.

I try sometimes to counter the inner truth, to challenge it, to find fault with what is true and real in front of me only to at last surrender and see my role in creating the things I least want in my life. Awareness is my weakness because sometimes I don’t want to notice. I tell myself and occasionally others that I want a peaceful heart, body, mind and spirit. And I do some of the things that generate that for me and my wellbeing and then I don’t. I see it. I see how I contribute to what I don’t want and I say as kindly as possible that “I am human and imperfect and doing the best I can especially under the extreme circumstances that I find myself in.” And I say this with an almost timid voice because a part of me is seeing this as an excuse. There is both truth and justification in this and I know my inner voices – the loving one and the cruel one – will both argue out the real intention.

But I am awake. I am aware. I see with the loving eyes of a mother that I know the truth and will once again forgive myself for looking away and falling into a pattern of wishing and hoping for a miracle to transform me so I don’t have to do the work, the heavy lifting of planning and taking action which I know with certainty from experience will give me what I need and ultimately want.

And some days, too many days lately than I would like, it all feels like very heavy lifting. Awareness, the knowing that my mind believes that gets in the way of any movement. And yet, maybe this writing about it frees some space that has been trying to hold all that behind a closed door. Once a crack opens, maybe things will change. Maybe I will change. Maybe.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | February 3, 2025

The Commitment Conversation

It’s not what you might be thinking. Recently I’ve had a number of conversations with smart, capable people about commitments to themselves. We have talked about relationships, jobs, money, health, spirituality and general self-care. We have all acknowledged that in some areas of our lives we are so committed either from decades of habits or from something compelling us. We do so many things automatically because we have programmed ourselves to brush our teeth before going out in public or tracking our spending on a spreadsheet. These are just what we do without any conscious thought.

It’s the ‘other’ things, the promises we make to our own wellbeing, that require more consistent effort and a strong commitment that don’t seem to have the same results. We have all admitted that staying true to some commitments seems harder than it used to. We blame it on outside distractions, our age, too many options, slow results, conflicting messages, etc. Some of us feel such deep disappointment that we have essentially given up, over and over again.

This might sound like a New Years Resolution conversation but it’s not. New Years highlights what isn’t working all year round and is, for so many, a grasping at something to make us change and integrate better choices into our lives. In some ways it is the big awakening that in spite of great starts we never finished and therefore we still haven’t landed where we wanted. I am as guilty as anyone for the stands I take and then stop following through on.

When my beloved Doug was so ill in the last few months of his life I went to extraordinary lengths to provide care and comfort to him. There was no question of what I would sacrifice to love and support him in the worst time of his life. I was committed and compelled and at the end of the 10 week ordeal, I was exhausted. I believe I would have kept going but I know I would have suffered on all levels for the pace and intensity of our situation. But my commitment was immovable.

So now as I am having these conversations with my friends I wonder how I can tap into the driven energy of that time to help myself establish new routines that will serve my wellbeing. Not to the point of exhaustion of course, but if only to find a kernel of unwavering commitment that will see me through the days when meditating or making healthy meals feels like too much work. For months I’ve been trying different ways to calm my anxious mind, satisfy my body’s need for nourishment and movement, find joy and meaning in life again and most importantly, build capacity to handle changes close to home and far away. I start and stop in a dizzying succession of well meaning, well intended paths to a feeling of peace.

My friends and I all agree that we have been successful at commitments in the past and we all agree that for some reason we now seem to be missing the key ingredient to put something in place that will keep us moving into a more confident state of being. None of us are looking for perfection (although some might secretly wish for what is obviously unattainable) and all of us are looking for something ‘out there’ that will be the missing piece of the puzzle. And when we slow down and tell each other the truth, we know this is an inside job, the way to make our commitments stick is within our own minds and hearts. And, as Shakespeare would say, ‘there’s the rub’. We all nod our heads and go off into our lives in search of our inner wisdom and power to commit.

Many spiritual teachers will tell us that peace and happiness come from within. For me, using the tools of Heart Math always helps. Doing a variety of daily meditations, guided or not, helps. This I know is the most important step I can take to find my footing in my new world. And my friends and I are all sighing with a “Yup, I knew that” smile as we give in to the answer we knew all along.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 12, 2025

Seeing Things Differently

“One need not travel to distant lands, seek exotic mystical experiences, master esoteric mantras and treatises, or cultivate extraordinary states of mind in order to experience a radical change of heart and inner transformation. Spiritually speaking, everything that one wants, aspires to, and needs is ever-present, accessible here and now – for those with eyes to see. It’s the old adage all over again: You don’t need to see different things, but rather to see things differently.” Lama Surya Das

Fifty years ago I heard about Transcendental Meditation from my father who heard about it in the most unlikely of places – a boardroom on Bay Street in Toronto’s downtown business district. I watched with great curiousity to see how it impacted his life and since then have used it off and on. Twenty-eight years ago I was introduced to the world of spirituality, consciousness, self-help, personal growth, meditation, wisdom, introspection and more through the incredible people I met while attending The Hoffman Process. This way of being in the world became the pillar I built my life and career on using my hunger for learning to fuel women’s retreats and my coaching. And then my beloved Doug’s medical crisis upended my world and I lost myself. Until now.

The past year I tried hard to find my way back to the spaciousness, loving kindness, faith and hope that had sustained me through leading retreats, coaching and living as on purpose as I could. Suddenly at the end of December, and nothing ever really is sudden, I was forced into solitude and what a blessing. Suddenly and slowly, what I’d known and believed had room to draw my eye and heart away from the chaotic world around me and into the calm centre that offered peace and an understanding I hadn’t been able to fully embrace for years. And suddenly and slowly the teachings of the past and new insights filled my days. A series of Near Death Stories, a book called Signs, the Understanding Grief book and then the YouTube channel called Modern Buddhism. Reading, listening and immersing myself in the subtle reminders of what is true and resonant opened me to watching for signs and messages of hope. And lying in bed last night the name “Lama Surya Das” popped into my head. I got up and found his book “Awakening the Buddha Within” on my bookshelf. It was gifted to me 22 years ago and the dozens of sticky notes attest to how deeply it touched me then. And it has sat there idle on the shelf for all these years waiting for me to find my way back to the gifts in its pages.

I had shared the above quote often in those first few years and when I opened the book last night this quote was the first marked passage. I smiled. That’s what I’ve been doing this past week of reflection, seeing things differently. The pre-scheduled posts went out and I stayed inward, needing and appreciating a more solemn conversation with myself.

So now I wonder how this blog will change and if it will have any meaning for the handful of people who give it a glance. I am a writer so this is usually where I bring my experiences to land. As I travel deeper inward I’m not sure if I will feel the urge to keep doing that. And if I do, I will be curious to see what gets into print and what impact that will have on those who have found something in my writing to lift, support, inspire, inform or guide them. What new material comes to me is keeping me alert to the power of the Universe/God Energy/Creator/Greater Consciousness to give me what I need whether I know it or not. And when I slow down, breathe and listen I know I am guided and it is indeed what I need.

If what shows up here gives others hope and comfort, I’m grateful I have the courage and means to be of service to anyone who seeks learning from my journey. Namaste

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 10, 2025

When We Know

“Sometimes I think we are all tightrope walkers suspended on a wire two thousand feet in the air, and so long as we never look down we’re okay, but some of us lose momentum and look down for a second and are never quite the same again: we know.” Dorothy Gillman

Over and over again in my life I have been one of those people who look down. Sometimes for a second and sometimes longer. Each time, I catch my breath and a little ‘oh no’ pops into my mind. Oh no because as Dorothy says, now I know. I know that something, someone, somehow the world as I know it is different. And different can be unsettling.

Sometimes what I see is my own reflection and I don’t always like it. Sometimes it is so stark that I can’t bear to accept the reality of my own choices. Sometimes the illusion I live with that things are a certain way is suddenly and unceremoniously broken into pieces and I wonder how I could have not noticed before. Had I been sleepwalking through life and missed the signs of kindness, generosity, humanity and goodness? Had I been so drawn, like a moth to a flame, that I saw fear and anxiety and worry everywhere I looked?

In a casual remark a friend mentions something soothing and beautiful and I am struck at how startled back to the present moment I am moved. Where was I? What was so distracting that I almost missed how warm the sun was, how bright green the moss on rocks, how quiet the lake without any wind and how incredibly kind the dozens of people have been in this past year.

I am grateful. I am filled with gratitude for all the blessings in my life. I do express my appreciation. But looking down I see something more. I see how I have struggled to accept all these expressions of love because they land in a place within me that has fought for love my whole life. And this always makes me feel inadequate to ever thank or repay the compassion, empathy and consideration I have received. The one place I never doubted was with Doug. Without him I am searching for a feeling of love and belonging that is elusive. Then I ‘look down’ and right in front of me, along the country road I love, at the grocery store, in the text messages from distant companions and the calls from family, I am reminded that I am still loved.

In the rush to live a meaningful life, to do the right things, to get ahead, stay afloat, to ‘make it’ we are all at risk of missing something essential to our inner wellbeing. So don’t be afraid to ‘look down’ and see what precious gifts have always been there waiting for you to welcome them home.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 8, 2025

Self Compassion vs I Should Know Better

These past few weeks I have written until my hand aches. I’m compelled to get my thoughts into my journal and let my feelings and my story be settled somewhere. When they churn up inside of me I start to pace and eat and go from task to task trying to quiet my mind. Finally I give in and let the emotions race to be written down – sometimes in a scribbled, illegible scattering of words and sometimes in neat rows of cursive.

What I write is often repetitious of the past year. Sorrow. Longing. Confusion. Desperation. Aching Loneliness. And then there is also Gratitude, Joy, Awareness, Love and Peace.

I wanted to write something brilliant here and talk about how I turned weeks of of big disappointments into opportunities, but I’m barely there. When I started this post I was still recovering from the sadness of having to cancel happy celebrations due to winter weather. I’m still working through the growth and learning that inevitably comes from unwanted challenges. I’d like to say I’m doing what I’ve told hundreds of people in my women’s retreats and corporate workshops to do, but I’m not fully there yet.

I taught The Empowerment Dynamic. I know how to shift out of the Drama Triangle so I’m not stuck in Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer roles. I’ve heard myself say so many times “I get that you don’t like this but given that it’s your current reality how will you be with this?” And what my clients and I looked for was ways to feel grounded, peaceful, grateful, hopeful. We looked for that small baby step, that 1% difference we could make to move ourselves towards a more empowered way of being, of feeling.

And I tried. I asked for help … from a lot of people … and I tried hard. Sometimes I could feel the shift and the relief it brought. Sometimes I sobbed uncontrollably while I shovelled snow and missed my beloved Doug in his big coveralls following the snowblower around the parking lot. The worst for me was that I persecuted myself for being weak and not getting my act together. It sounded like a familiar rant “I should know how to do this. I should try harder. I should use all my tools. I should think of others and not myself. I should stop complaining. I should smarten up. I should stop bothering other people.” And on and on and on it goes. My clients know I am the loudest when I say ‘don’t should on yourself’. Should and shame are partners in crime. And so without being intentional, I shamed myself for not being grateful enough when other people were clearly suffering more. It was so hard to push back on these debilitating messages coming from a part of me that was so afraid of being wrong.

And then one day a phone call brought me back to my wise inner self. A revered colleague reminded me that self-compassion is important for all of us to manage the ebbs and flows of life. And for those of us mourning the loss of a once in a lifetime love, it is essential for our very survival.

I remembered something someone had given me months ago and rediscovered a wealth of learning. Dr. Kristen Neff is a leader in the world of Self-Compassion. Her videos and articles are inspiring and informative. They are the essence of an outstretched hand offering warmth and kindness when old patterns of thinking hijack what is surely meant to be a peaceful heart.

So each day I commit to at least one act of self-compassion to ease myself into what I hope will become a habit. At least once when the “I should” comes up I want to counter it with love. In the middle of the jagged edges of mourning there is the possibility that I will get back on my feet, however wobbly they have become, and embrace self-compassion to guide the rest of my days.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 6, 2025

Looking For A Trophy

My friends are ‘congratulating’ me and remarking on how ‘strong’ I am for getting through these past two months. I didn’t feel strong. Thinking about strong was pushing my limits in business settings, being vulnerable when leading women’s retreats, admitting mistakes, and taking hits when unfairly accused. I could see my strengths in that.

I’ve been told over and over again how strong I was for the six years that Doug endured his cancer treatments and especially the last two months of insane intensity. I didn’t think I was being strong. I was doing the ‘right’ thing. I was following my heart and living with as much integrity as I could. I was showing up, following through, staying alert, loving him no matter what.

The past year I kept going doing what I felt I needed to do, sometimes blindly handling things, selling our Sarnia ‘cottage’, his car, his ATV, his tractor. It was month after month of donating stuff, asking for help, waiting for relief, collecting joy and memories wherever I could. People said I was so strong but I didn’t think I was being strong. I was doing what I could to keep honouring his precious life and all those who helped him live long and happy. I was trying to find shape and meaning in a wilderness I had never encountered and had no map to follow. I was waiting for the miracle that would relieve my suffering.

I got through the anniversary in November with the love and support of his daughter and son-in-law and shared stories of his impact. I didn’t think I was strong. I thought I was being real.

And then December arrived and the bottom fell out of my plans. My friend calls it my ‘disaster trifecta’. Weather forced changes that left me all alone on my 70th birthday, Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. The special things arranged with friends evaporated as storms threatened bad travel for me and others. And while I could have joined kind neighbours I felt like a sorrowful intruder and couldn’t find the emotional energy to smile and engage. None of them would have turned me away but I was shrouded in disappointment. That’s what grief can do to you, hijack your mind into a dark corner where you can’t find the doorway out or if you do, it’s locked.

And now everyone is saying ‘look how strong you are for getting through that.’ I’m careful who I tell because I don’t want to be called strong. (What irony as I’m posting this online) There is no trophy, no celebration, no high fiving, no winners cup for being strong in grief. Doug is not here to carve out a sign like the one he made for my office when I finished Coach training. He is not here with a bouquet of flowers and a card with his neat little printing. And there will be no toasts, parties, laughter and medals.

All that’s left is a reminder that I am still here, that I did actually survive something I would not have thought I would. One of my grief mentors tells me that if I can get through that, I can get through anything. There’s not much comfort in knowing I have the tools to handle more hard things. I remember my doctor telling me that my being so open and vulnerable was showing people how to grieve. I didn’t want that job and I don’t want this one.

There is a quiet voice in me remembering how Doug faced the worst experiences of his life and did it with so much strength and courage. He could never understand how he was an inspiration to others but we all knew he was and told him often. And he did it without publicly complaining. That made it so much more awe inspiring. I am not made up of the same stuff as Doug but I do know that many people have done things this past year because they saw me rise up over and over again in the face of my worst nightmare.

So maybe even though I don’t feel like I’m being strong, others see it that way and use my example to live their own lives more fully and authentically. I’ve used Doug’s example and a long list of people who fought through insurmountable challenges this year as my examples. Maybe if we all keep doing our best, in the end we are doing what Ram Dass says “we are all just walking each other home.”

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | January 1, 2025

A New Year of Possibilities

By Donna Ashworth

On the stroke of midnight tonight, you can resolve to be better, if you like…
to be fitter,
to eat cleaner,
to work harder.
On the stroke of midnight tonight,
you can resolve to become a whole new you,
if you so choose.
Or, you can take a moment to acknowledge, all you already are.
Because it’s a lot.
You’re a lot.
And you deserve to be commended.
On the stroke of midnight tonight, perhaps you could congratulate yourself, for coping.
For breaking, again,
and for rebuilding, again.
For catching the stones life has thrown at you,
and using them to build your castle that little bit stronger.
You have endured, my friend.
And I don’t see the need to resolve to become a whole new you,
when you are already so very much indeed.
Happy new year.
You made it.
Now let us face another 365 day-turn, arms wide,
accepting, embracing and ‘seeing’ each other,
for all we are.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | December 24, 2024

Be The One

Today, if only for today, be the one who shows love and kindness and compassion and empathy and generosity and acceptance to everyone you meet, to everyone you think about. Be the one who shows up, no matter what, with a heart willing to be with others no matter what they bring to the table. And be the one who lifts your own heart and mind to a place of sacred expressions of all that is good in our world. Today, be the one. As best you can for as long as you can without judgement or conditions. Be the one. Namaste.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | December 19, 2024

Mourning Is Not Drama

Sometimes we know more than what is good for us. I have studied and taught TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic) for more than a decade. It’s the antidote to The Drama Triangle and I’ve talked about how I’ve tried to integrate what I know into my experience of grief. I’m on it for a bit and it all makes sense until it doesn’t. Then I start asking my peers to see if I’m missing something. That’s why I had one call with a fellow practitioner and then one with David Emerald, the founder of TED*. I just needed to really get clear on where I was sitting with the state of Victimhood. Was I stuck in it? Was I missing an exit out of feeling victimized? Were my actions screaming Victim when I showed up with whatever I was feeling? Was there possibly a check list I could go through to assess my status? Lots of questions.

The reassurances were heartfelt and authentic. I asked for blunt observations and was given the nod that I was feeling the effects of being victimized (a term used here to reflect the painful loss of my beloved Doug) but that I wasn’t using it as an excuse to forfeit being my usual loving, compassionate self. I may temporarily be unable to access that part of me but it was still there, still solidly in place patiently waiting for me to continue the slow recovery to wherever I will ultimately land in this new world.

Suddenly, this became the obvious correlation with a powerful little book by Alan Wolfelt, the founder of The Centre For Loss. He has written many books and after reading “The Wilderness of Grief” I gratefully landed on “Understanding Your Grief.” Here, in easy to read, kind passages was the message that was now being confirmed for me. I’m mourning. It’s all natural and normal.

Dr. Wolfelt explains that grief is what we feel and mourning is how we express it. Everyone who has ever attended one of my talks, workshops, trainings or just had coaching with me knows that I am very transparent. As much as possible and respectful I tell the truth and leave my thoughts and feelings on the table for anyone to see. As I mourn, some people are repelled by this kind of raw emotion. Others are judgemental and cast a wary eye at my openness. And then there are the people who take a deep breath and hold the space for me to literally pour out my heart until the pain eases. I’ve come to realize how precious these people are and how much I want to learn to be one of them because grief and mourning will take over every person’s life someday if it hasn’t already. I know I didn’t have a clue how heart wrenching some losses can be. We are all going to need a companion willing to wait out the rounds of aching loss so we can return to laughter and joy and silliness and celebration. And that’s the reward for the people who have found a way to hold their breath through my despair. They get to share stories that make us laugh out loud and embrace the life we are all still living.

Reading the chapter on “You’re Not Crazy” helped me see that so many things I have and am experiencing are signs of mourning and not to be misunderstood. I can’t always remember things or I repeat myself or I break down in the produce aisle or I change my mind a dozen times. It’s not drama. I’m not crazy. I’m mourning.

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